A TICKET CONDUCTOR ON A TRAIN IS WALKING UP THE CARRIAGE, CLIPPING PEOPLE’S TICKETS. HE APPROACHES A MAN IN A TRENCHCOAT. HE HAS A WISPY GINGER BEARD, A HAT, AND THICK GLASSES.
CONDUCTOR: Tickets please.
THE MAN IN THE TRENCHCOAT GRINS
CONDUCTOR: Tickets please, sir.
TRENCHCOAT MAN STANDS UP, STEPS INTO THE AISLE AND SLOWLY OPENS UP HIS TRENCHCOAT. HE IS NAKED AND THE INSIDE OF HIS COAT IS LINED WITH TRAIN TICKETS, EACH STAPLED ON TO FORM A WELL TILED INNER LINING OF TRAIN TICKETS.
HE LOOKS AT THE CONDUCTOR AND CONTINUES GRINNING. PEOPLE AROUND HIM LOOK SHOCKED
THE CONDUCTOR CONSIDERS HIM FOR A MOMENT.
CONDUCTOR: Alright, which one is it sir?
THE SMILE DROPS OFF TRENCHCOAT MAN’S FACE.
TRENCHCOAT MAN <fumbling in his pocket >: Uh, this one.
CONDUCTOR: Thank… you. Tickets please…
THE CONDUCTOR PUSHES PAST TRENCHCOAT MAN, WHO COVERS HIMSELF AND SITS DOWN IN OPEN-MOUTHED DISAPPOINTMENT.
Hi. Thanks for the feedback. Just about this one, how about pushing it a bit further? It's great as it is, but when the conductor sees all the tickets, he could ask him what he's doing with all the tickets. The guy says "Uhmm." The conductor tells him "You're supposed to put the tickets through the machine at your destination station, so how do you still have all those tickets?" The conductor's offended, but not by the guy's nudity. I dunno, just a suggestion. Deadpan conductor is great.
I think this one is hilarious. I wouldn't add too much more, I think it works better as a really short number without the punchline being diluted.
If anything I'd add more the the shame of not having the ticket ready- as if thats the big shocking surprise. Maybe his ticket is expired? Maybe a mother covers her child's eyes only once realizing he doesn't have enought to pay his fare?
I retract my suggestion. I retract ALL suggestions. kellyn, apologies for my feedback re the Livery thing. I did love the sketch, but my comments were a bit like a chemical loo at Glastonbury (out of order).
I thought I was being objectively critical with my comments, but I can see now that my suggestions are being discarded like so many snotty hankies. Let me just say, gentlemen, and fiorgive the occasional typo as I hammer the keyboard through my tears, that snot hardens. And in the fullness of time, I'll have steeled myself against your barbs. But for now, the mucus dribbling in torrents down this chin of glass onto my inoffensive, non-lactating male breast containing an utterly heartbroken little organ, is very, very runny.
I thought it was good too.
