My grandma was always ready with a slice of home-spun advice or proverb. Unfortunately she herself forget ‘where there’s smoke, there’s fire’ and ‘where there’s fire, run’. Hope you get better, grandma.
In her honour, here’s a short list of some of the absolute pearlers she has clam-like spat out.



Sadomasochism is sex with strings attached

Absence makes the heart seem necessary

Actions speak louder then words. If that action is shouting.

All good things must come to an end, before they become SNL

All roads lead to Rome. So who needs road maps!

All's fair in love and war, but don’t get the two confused.

Glitter is not gold. Look at Mariah Cary’s film.

All for one and one for all. Or, just all for one, me.

An eye or an eye is just boredom haggling.

A watched kettle never boils, unless you’re a telekinetic.

A women’s work is never done. Maybe if she worked harder.

Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, unless your coming up for air.

Better latet then never. Again, coming up for air.

His bark is worse than his bite. I know which one I'd pick though.

Can’t see the forest for the trees. That would be the forest, numbnuts.

Cleanliness is next to godliness. Sure he can create worlds and make ever one of us smoking mind puppets if he felt half inclined but oh boy he’s clean, that’s what really makes him god-like.

Clothes don’t make the man. Willys do.

Curiosity killed the cat. Well, curiosity about the blender.

Desperate time calls for desperate measures. The official title for “oh shit, is that the time! I need to get this cake in the oven now! Sugar-pour, butter- whack, eggs-shells, beetroot-why not

Do unto others what you would have done unto you. That said, if you’re masochist, stay away from me.

Don’t cry over spilt milk. Does anybody else think these are obvious. Don’t wail over a cracked egg, don’t gnash over a bruised pear, and don’t whimper over a fatty piece of pork.

Don’t drink and drive. You can be more creative then that. Crochet and paraglide, there’s the sport.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Unless that cover says “John Grisham”.

Don’t make a mountain out of a mole hill. Nobody will be impressed when you climb to the summit.

Don’t raise more demons then you can let down. In fact, don’t raise demons at all.

Don’t shut the barn door after the horse has bolted. Unless you really want to teach it a lesson, and wait to it comes back begin underneath your window holding a boom box above its head. “13 years of companionship, and your going to throw it all away Mandy! Look, I’m sorry about the filly is Besleton, I was lonely and had too much molasses in me, I love you!

Don’t spit into the wind. There’s such thing of being too punk, you know. Just because its more powerful then you, doesn’t always mean “it’s out to get me and must be rebelled against”. Similarly, Don’t Give the bird to gravity.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man’s social life suffer.

The early bird catches the worm. The early worm can keep the worm, the late human gets the McMuffin.

The ends justify the means. Well, maybe voting in the Jew-slaughtering Nazi party so the trains run on time was a bit of a stretch. I still can’t believe

Every dog has his day, or week in its case.

Feed a cold, starve a fever, although if you over do the starving other problems arrive.

Failures are the stepping stone for those who succeeded. Ok, no ones like a sore winner, get off my head.

First come, first served. The new disability benefits slogan doesn’t bode well.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, ok enoughs enough. Fool me four times, your not funny, fool me five, six, seven, go home its late, full me eight I’m calling the police.

Fools rush in…to Meet the Spartans.

Fortune favors the brave, unfortunately gravity doesn’t.

Failure is not falling down, you fail when you don’t get back up. So That’s whay the all it heart failure. I guess gramps was just a quitter.

Go with the flow. The waterfall always looks bigger from the top.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, give a man a job, he’ll be a bit happier.

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime, if he’s a beachside dwelling hermit.

Give a man a fish; he gets out of your face. Teach a man to fish and you could be there a while

Give credit where credits due. Nobody wants broken knees at Easter.

Give, and ye shall receive. Or better yet, wait until you receive then don’t give, therefore doubling your possessions.

Give them an inch, they don’t feel a thing. Give them eight inches however, and now your talking.

Go takes care of drunks. Look at Jesus, all this water into wine business.

Good fences make good neighbors, but lousy dinner guests.

Great minds think alike, but the best minds think uniquely

Hard words break no bones. The liquidate them at low bass.

Haste makes Gas.

Have not, want not. Bull.

Who Dares Wins. Oh yes, sky jumpers would be so much better off taking more risks.

Hell have no fury like a woman scorned. I don’t know, I’m sure they can come up with something.

He who hesitates is lost. He who doesn’t stop and ask for directions isn’t doing so well ether.

He who laughs last pushed it too far.

He who lives by the sword should learn to relax.

Help yourself and God will help you. Fat lot of good he does then.

History repeats itself. So does my granddad. Maybe because they’re both old.

History repeats itself. This just in, the Spaniards have invaded the new land!

Honesty is the best policy. Except on suicide lines.

Honey catches more flies than vinegar. Although who wants flies over honey?

Hope for the best, expect the worst. Greens , No 1 in 2010

Hope springs eternal, and they both flee for the border.

Helping Hands are better than Praying Lips. Funny thing for a mother superior to say. “God aint doing nothing, lets much in ourselves”.

Horses for courses, although even some courses are beyond a horse. Monkey bars, for instance.

If you love them, let them go. Otherwise, don’t unlock the boot.

Eat your vegetables. Before they eat you. You know its true.

Let sleeping dogs lie. Trying to make sleeping dogs herd sheep is just wasting your time.

Lightning can strike twice, but only if provoked.

Like father like son, says a horrified Prince Harry’s girlfriend.

Like water off a ducks back in a ice storm.

Little by little, in seven dwarf police line-up

Look after the pennies, and they change the currency on you.

When storing meat Cook before you Keep

Look at the sunny side of life, from your dark dismal vantage point.

Loose lips sink ships, and promotions

Live is Blind. Luckily for you.

Many a true word is spoken in jest. Peter Andre’s a knob. Kidding!

Many hands make man freak

Misery loves company. Company not so keen.

Money makes the world go around. Says mistaken scientist.

Money talks. So do the violet dogs, says bum, (formally mistaken scientist).

Money cannot buy love. It can buy cool stuff though, so horses for courses.

Money does not equal happiness. More accurately, happiness doesn’t equal money.

Monkey see, Monkey do. All sorts of problems after Planet of the Apes played at the zoo.

Necessity is the Mother of all Inventions. Unemployment is the father.

I think, therefore I am. Bad at sentence structure.

I came, I saw, I decided against it. Translated as Veni, Vidi, Vamosed.

It is better to die on one's feet than live on one's knees. I disagree, your rested and your still breathing.

Idle hands are the devil's playthings. Of all the ironies. He’s got to get a better hobby, like a good games consol.

If a job is worth doing it is worth doing well. Although how many jobs are worth doing?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Although sometimes you just have to take the hint sardine slippers are bad idea.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. Told you, slipper boy.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Unless you can charge them anyway.

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives sugar, bonus.

If life gives you lemons, tell life you asked for apples. If life gives you lemons again, tepee its house.

If something can go wrong, it will. That Murphy was a bit of a party pooper wasn’t he? Lighten up man, have some punch.

In order to get where you want to go, you first have to leave where you are. Oh for goodness sakes, shut up Murphy.

If the shoe fits, wear it and try to find a matching other. If it doesn’t fit, it makes a great secret Santa gift.

If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain. Muhammad has to go to the mountain a majority of the time.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Actually, lets be honest, they will probably trade it for food.

If you can't beat them, join them. Hear that, all you homophobes.

If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Its on fire.

If you cross your bridges before you come to them you will have to pay the toll twice. Wow, that’s some metaphysical tree in abandoned woods stuff there.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Protests will be over a lot quicker that way.

Snooze you lose. Your license.

If you want a thing done right, do it yourself. Qualifications permitting.

If you want to judge a man's character, give him power. Although it’s kinda too late if he turns out to be a bad egg.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem. On that note, I’d like to personally apologize for my apparent part in the pogroms in soviet Russia.

Ignorance is bliss. Not for that cat.

In for a penny, in for a pound. This is why prostitution is England’s booming industry.

Love laughs at locksmiths. I do too.

Knowledge is power. I would rather have actual power, though.

Laughter is the best medicine. However, when that snake bites, anti venom will be my first choice.

Love is blind. In your case, deaf too.

Never let the right hand know what the left is doing. Except, well, in any sport or activity.

Never say Die. Say Botox.

Never say Never. Alcohol’s one hell of a drug.

Never trouble trouble till trouble troubles you, bitch

Never put your doohoo in a socket. Obvious really.

No man is an island. Some are mistaken as one.

No News is A Current Affair

No Pain, No Gain. Still, No Pain.

No time like the present. Although the future’s pretty mysterious.

Not enough room to ring RSPCA (swing a cat)

Once Bitten, Double Vision. Ross River Virus.

One Mans junk is another Mans uncomfortable silence in the shower.

Might well be hung as a sheep, by your ankles.

Out of sight…I don’t remember the rest.

Only the good die young. Before they have time to change.

Patience is a Virtue. So is punctuality.

People in glass houses should have thought it through.

Practice makes Perfect. Practicing Violin makes Anger.

Pride comes before a fall. Or after, If you do a gnarly trick.

Pretension bellies The Cure.

Set a thief to catch a thief. That’s not prone to diaster at all. Just be sure they’re not friends.

Slow and steady wins the race if your opponent falls asleep.

Smile, and the world crosses the street.

Life begins after four barcadi breezers.

Sticks and stones my break my bones but trucks are more effective.

Stolen fruit is the sweetest, except watermelons because your just really tired lugging them away.

Iron strike while hot

Spare the rod, spoil the child. Call services, if your really feeling generous.

Talk is cheap, not on those sex-lines.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In theory.

The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree. Shame, says Todd Hitler.

The balls in your court. Says flasher to Judge

In my case, the biggest things have small packages.

The calm comes before the storm. Like falling asleep at the wheel.

The customer is always right, at least until they hand over the money.

The more you know, the more you know you don’t know. Ho-ho, is that so? So the blow though.

The way to man heart is through the stomach. The people they’ll allow to be surgeons.

The whole is greater than its parts. There’s no parts in a hole!

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fire.

The law is a jealous mistress when you stay with your wife of crime.

The more things change, they more they stay the same. Kevin O7 (that may be lost on the poms).

The only stupid question is the one unanswered. Did a walrus say that while shamed?

There’s no arguing with the barrel of a gun. They don’t understand wry irony at all.

There’s no business like show business. Not that my employer at KFC didn’t try with those trained seals.

To test the proof of the pudding, light it on fire.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions and rusty spikes.

The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Buy Viagra , it’s the pill you seek.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease. The squeaky child gets the slap.

The straw that broke the camels back, along with I’d warrant hundreds of kilos of laden.

The truth shall you free. The lie will keep you out of jail.

The Best is yet to come. This can only lead to disappointment.

There is no such thing as a free lunch. That sounds like a challenge.

There is no god except God. What a waste of breath.

There’s no small parts, only small actors. Just as there I no dud white goods, only dud consumers.

There’s something rotten in Denmark. We can smell it from here.

There’s method in his madness, cunningly discussed as more madness. He’s shaving that rat with a sharpened shoe for a reason.

There’s more then one way to skin a cat. Get a sharpened shoe. Surprise it. Leave it out on the sun without proper advertised safety precautions. Put in a blender and hope is stays in the middle.

There’s no accounting for taste, just as I have little taste in accounting.

No peace for the wicked. Hell is one noisy place, what with Takes That’s, Danni Minouge’s and a space reserved for Nelly’s talent. Nickleback would be there, but no talent.

No place like the home, elderly said.

No time like the present, although the future is very similar.

Time flies when having rum

To each his own, he owns two each

To err is human, to forgive devine. So why try and do gods work?

To kill two birds with one stone. Bah, pull two birds while stoned, that’s an achievement
Kill two birds with a bird, that’s good.

Trapped between a rock and a hard place. As opposed to what, a rock and a reclining chair? Being trapped underneath a rock is bad enough, anything more is overkill.

Between the devil and the deep blue sea. Gotta go with sea, the devils evil and all powerful, the sea is just deep and blue and salty

I was travelling down your lovely English highways, hungry for curry. Man, you’ve got too many Little Chefs not enough Indians.

Courtesy cost nothing. Good quality biscuits, however, is quite expensive.

I could have been a TV presenter, but my skills also lay in other areas, a trait not found the profession.

My dad always said bully’s are at there heart cowards. So first day at school, find the most cowardly guy around (they are usually small, bespectacled and three years younger then you) and beat him mercilessly. That bully will never bother you again.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, or as the courts say “copyright infringement”.

Aroma-therapy isn’t an exact science, in fact it’s not exactly a science

There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain. I don’t think so. Massage=pleasure, being gored by an elephant=pain.