BANK: Well, i should do all sorts of silly checks, but i like the cut of your jib, the moneys yours.
MAN: Thanks.
BANK: Now youve got all that money, I imagine youll be wanting to invest some of it in meat.
MAN: Well, I was looking to put some of my money into meat . . .
BANK: Then Im your man! Ive got a vauxhall nova parked up out back with a glove box stuffed full of lamb cutlets and twenty eight pork chops sellotaped to the rear axle!
MAN: Woo-hoo! Im meat rich!!!!
If only all banks were so forthcoming with meat, what a world it would be . . .
The man, due to careful study of the meat market, now owns almost seventy three percent of the UKs available meat flesh. Hes got skips full of the stuff, just rotting away. Small children sneak towards the rancid lip of the skip, hoping to have away with a chop, or perhaps just a sliver of lamb, only to find thenself pierced on a spike that the man has had fitted to protect his unused meat. The small dead child body is then sold to rich people as dinner table centrepieces guaranteed to start the conversation flowing. Now many people in this country are so lacking in meat that their bones have turned all jammy and automatic doors refuse to open.
The meat must be liberated, the people must taste flesh, the man must be dealt with.
Oh dear hoegaarden, now youve said that youve really put me in my place, what a fool ive been. Or maybe ill just ignore insults and carry on doing what i do. If you want to be critical on this forum, at least try to do so constuctively. I know internet messageboards are well known for their annonymous nastiness, but lets try and keep the 4laughs site clear of that shall we?
I wouldnt say I was being nasty - just honest. I cant really be constructive over this, othee than to say it wasnt worth the keystrokes that went into typing it.
So your saying your not being nasty, then proceed to be nasty. Hmm, sorry son, but that seems a bit odd. Anyway, slate away, im comfortable with my work, as are the various live sketch shows in london and brighton that have used them, and radio four. But your probably right. I love you, please always slate my stuff, and if you put something up ill give it a good review just for the hell of it. Marry me and we shall do strange things in airing cupboards
Perhaps your trying to throw me off the scent and you really are the Becker in all your ginger glory. Behold the locks of the tennis wizard, i am honored to have met you
I just read the Bowie one, and again not impressed. I just dont see where it goes, you are looking for a punchline when reading it and theres nothing, a bit like this one.
I appreciate that if it was acted out on stage it maybe a whole different proposition, but even then I dont think id find it that amusing.
not all comedy needs the easy payoff of a punchline, just look at the pythons or big train, not every sketch needs a gag at the end, its the sketch itself thats important and creating a world. Im not trying to be ronnie barker. I look forward to reading something of yours with interest, its very easy to throw stones when you havent put your own neck on the line.
I appreciate that not eveything needs a punch line, but it has to be amusing with it. The situation has to be built up. Are you honestly saying that the above 'script' could be acted out, and seriously get any sort of positive reaction?
If you give me your email address, I will happily send you something of mine. I am more into writing articles though.
dont think you can post personal emails. As for the sketch, its a tiny piece of a much longer script, perhaps on its own two feet it wouldnt work as well, but i like it, it makes me laugh and I stand by it.
You've inspired me, Mvstott, so here is my meaty sketch.
SCENE - A LIBRARY. MAN GOES IN AND TAKES HIS BOOKS UP TO THE COUNTER.
LIBRARIAN - These books are two days late. That will be £1-20 in overdue fines, please.
MAN - Er, I haven't got any money on me. Can I pay it next time I come in?
LIBRARIAN - Everyone says that. You must have some change on you.
MAN GOES THROUGH HIS POCKETS.
MAN - No, sorry. I haven't. I promise I'll pay next time.
LIBRARIAN - That's not good enough...
SHE CHECKS THE COAST IS CLEAR THEN WHISPERS.
LIBRARIAN - ...but I might be able to help. Slip me two pork chops and a sausage and I'll say no more about it.
MAN - I can do you lamb chops.
LIBRARIAN - I prefer pork. Oh, go on then.
MAN PULLS PACKAGE FROM INSIDE HIS JACKET. HE TAKES OUT TWO CHOPS AND A SAUSAGE AND PUTS THEM IN A BAG FOR HER.
LIBRARIAN - Thank you sir. I,ll just cancel your fine.
MAN - Well, thank you.
THE MAN LEAVES THE LIBRARY. THE LIBRARIAN CACKLES TRIUMPHANTLY AND THEN SLIDES BACK A BOOKSHELF TO REVEAL A HUGE FRIDGE. SHE OPENS THE DOOR. IT IS NEARLY FULL - OF MEAT. SHE SMELLS THE CHOPS AND SAUSAGE, THEN PUTS THEM IN THE FRIDGE. SHE CLOSES THE DOOR, THEN SLIDES BACK THE BOOKSHELF, STILL CACKLING.
