EXT. DAY. PRESENTER NAMED TOM IS DRESSED IN WILDLIFE ATTIRE. HE WALKS TOWARDS CAMERA.


TOM: Hi. My name is Tom Williams and I…


VOICE OFF CAMERA: No its not!


TOM: What?


VOICE: Your name is Tom Wilkinson.


TOM: Oh yeah.


TAKE 2.

TOM: Hi. My name is Tom Wi-. (LOOKS OFF CAMERA) Who said something?


TAKE 3.

TOM: My name is Tom Willig, Tom Wi, Tom…


VOICE: Tom, just say your name!!


TAKE 4.

TOM: My name is Tom Willy. No!!


TAKE 5.

TOM: Hi, my name is Tom (BEAT) and I wasn't always this rugged man of nature you see before you.


TOM DROPS TO THE GROUND CLASPING HIS LEG.


TOM: Oooh! Ow! Oh no!


CREW CROWD AROUND HIM.


CREW: Tom, what is it? What happened?


TOM IS BEGINNING TO PASS OUT.


TOM: Nettle… a nettle. Go to…. A commercial..


CUT AND COME BACK TO TOM SHAKILY STANDING IN A FIELD.


TOM: Wild cat attacks are becoming more and more common. I'm going to share with you now my 4 rules, to avoid being attacked by a wild cat.


RULE 1: Hiking.


Never hike alone. Hike with kids. The cat will attack smaller prey.


CUT TO FATHER AND 2 KIDS HIKING. 1 OF THE KIDS DISAPPEARS INTO THE TALL GRASS. THE SAME HAPPENS THE 2ND KID.

FATHER LOOKS AROUND, WIPES HIS BROW IN RELIEF AND GIVES A THUMBS-UP TO THE CAMERA.


TOM: RULE 2: All fours.


Never turn and run on all fours like an animal.


CUT TO MAN WHO SEES A WILD CAT. HE ATTEMPTS TO RUN OFF ON ALL 4'S BUT TRIPS OVER HIMSELF.

TOM: Rule 3: Deer.


Never dress up as a deer when going hiking.


MAN APPEARS FROM BELOW CAMERA CHEWING GRASS WITH ANTLER SHAPED TWIGS STRAPPED TO THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD. HE SPOTS A WILD CAT, SCREAMS AND SPRINTS AWAY.


TOM: RULE 4: Insults.


Never call the cat insulting names. This will just enrage the animal. Your only hope in this situation is to pin the blame on somebody else.


CUT TO TOM WITH ANOTHER MAN CLOSE-BY.


TOM: (shouts at cat which is off camera) Hey wild cat! You piece of crap. You watered down, sabre-tooth tiger wannabe!


CAT APPROACHES.


TOM: Aaaagh (points at other man) It was him!


OTHER MAN IS JOLTED OUT OF SHOT


TOM TURNS TO CAMERA.


TOM: You see! So happy hiking everyone and make sure it's anyone but you…or um me…


END.

Smaller prey idea is wonderful! Like this and can see it easily (apart from training the cat but I assume you'd use some kind of manky left-over butlins costume) It seems like two seperate sketches though with the out-takes thing at the beginning.

I kinda managed to film this with no cat. Just people disappearing from shot when they're being attacked. We had got a lynx but he didnt take kindly to being used as deodrant (sorry!).Cheers for the reply hedge

I agree with Hedge, the smaller prey bit had me laughing out loud but the later segments need fine tuning. The thing that sprung to my mind was the presenter advising people to carry cat food with them when hiking. Then a clip of him just lobbing unopend tins of catfood at the wild cat.

Love it!

Fantastic! Yes, very good work on hiding the cat and each 'tip' was funny. However, I (and this is just me) would shorten the information by the 4th tip. We know what is going to happen to the taunter-blamer, so it should be shorter.
The kids could also possibly his kids, and we sjut don't see them until the camera slowly zooms out. Tha way, we see eaxtly how the technique works as he explains it.

great slug line though