Hey All. I'm new to this board, but some of you may recognise me from the sitcom boards. Just uploading a couple of my sketches for you to comment on.
Scene 1
Ext. Chip Shop – 2p.m
A stranger stands outside a chipshop looking at a fish’n’chip van. The van has a sign on it which reads ‘For Sale’. The stranger looks at the van and then at the sign above the shop which reads Barry’s Chip’s (sic). He gives a knowing nod and then walks into the shop.
Scene 2
Int. Chip Shop – 2p.m
The stranger walks up to the unmanned counter. He looks around and then coughs. Barry emerges from out the back. He stands at the counter.
Barry: Eh up, buddy. What can I do yer for?
Stranger: Well it’s about the van outside.
Barry: (Interested) Ohhhh? Very nice van that. Very nice indeed. Can reach 38mph on a good day (BEAT) downhill
Stranger: Ah right. It’s yours I take it? Not anyone else’s?
Barry: (Proudly) No, no! That van is most certainly mine. I won that in 1987 - at The Great East Anglian Fry Up.
Strangers lip gives a noticeable twitch.
Barry: (Continues nostalgically) Aye that were a cracking day. Got to the final and beat Geoff Phipps.
Strangers lip twitches again.
Barry: That were a tight match, I can tell thee. He matched me on Cod, haddock and fishcakes, but I came through when it really mattered. (Wisely) On the saveloys! Oh yes.
Barry sighs and looks a little sad.
Barry: The day were tinged with sadness, though. Old Phippsy never did compete again after that.
Stranger: Well some people (lip twitches) take defeat pretty bad I guess.
Barry: Aye, Aye. He took it bad. He took it very bad indeed (sighs) shot himself (Shakes head). His wife had run off with a Pukka Pie salesman a few months before; he never had recovered from that.
Strangers lip twitches.
Barry: It were his two boys I felt sorry for. With no parents about they soon ended up on drugs. I heard that one of them had to have his leg amputated through drug complications. Then, the other one sold his hand to a crooked surgeon for quick cash.
Strangers lip twitches.
Barry: Can you imagine that?! One’s a peg leg and the others got a hook for a hand. Their family gatherings must be like Captain bloody Pugwash
Barry shakes his head.
Barry: (Moving on) Life goes on though.
Barry crouches down to look at some saveloys resting in his display counter. He beckons the stranger to follow suit.
Barry: These bits of highly seasoned pork opened up a whole new world for me. Suddenly, I were doing car boots, markets and even fairgrounds.
Barry stands up, as does the stranger, and looks sadly out of a side window.
Barry: (To himself) I never did get that pitch outside the Speedway stadium though.
Barry sniffs and wipes away a single tear which is trickling down his face.
Barry: It just weren’t meant to be. (Sighs) Not in this lifetime anyway.
Barry turns back to face the stranger.
Barry: Anyway, I can’t go selling me van to someone I don’t know.
Barry extends his hand towards the stranger and nods at it. The stranger holds out a hook, not a hand.
Barry: (In disbelief) No. No! Little Johnny Phipps? No? Surely not!
Stranger: (Unhinged) That’s right Barry! It’s the 20th anniversary of my father’s death today. What better person to celebrate it with than you?!
Barry: (Scared) Just calm down, Johnny! Please! Calm down. I had nowt to do with yer father’s death. It’s that Pukka Pie salesman you should be after. Not me!
Stranger starts laughing. He fishes out a pukka pie out from his coat pocket.
Stranger: He made pukka tukka!
Barry turns to run through the back of the shop, but stops at an archway. Standing there is Benny, who is Johnny’s brother. Benny starts stamping his wooden leg against the floor and howling.
Barry: Oh my bloody god.
Cut to:
Ext. Chip Shop – 2.03pm
Barry: (O.O.V) What are you doing? No, oh dear God no! No, don’t take the lid off. Not the fryer. No! I beg you, please. Take a free pickled egg. I tell you what, take the whole jar.
The sound of bubbling, spitting fat is heard. Barry starts screaming. Screen fades to black.
I like the gruesome ending - very "League of Gentlemen"! I reall like thios sketch. My only suggestion would be to make Barry more loathsome in order to justify his grizzly demise - He's too sympathetic. Have Barry give less sympathy and more scorn for Phipps, which will also give you scope for some really vicious, sarcastic humour!
