The scene is that of a trashy daytime chat show except set inside a Greek theatre- think ‘Jerry Springer’ but with more togas.
Crowd- (Chanting) ATHE-NA! ATHE-NA! ATHE-NA!
From the main building enters the host, Athena. The crowd goes wild in a frenzy of cheering and shouting- because a man with a plaque card saying ‘CHEER’ has walked past. With a quick wave of her hand, the audience becomes silent.
Athena- Good evening everyone and welcome to today’s ‘Athena Show’, and I’m your host, Athena! (The Crowd cheers once again.) Today’s topic- “Don’t be too hard on my daughters’, and our first guest, my father, gatherer of the cloud’s…its Zeus! (The audience cheer as Zeus enters.)
Crowd- (Chanting)- ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS! ZEUS! (As Zeus he waves at the audience in the style of a politician- all grinning and cheeriness.)
Athena- Welcome to the show!
Zeus- Thank you very much, it’s great to be here! (The audience cheer.)
Athena- So...what seems to be the problem?
Zeus- Well, Athena, the problem is that I find people are putting down my daughters quite a bit, and in my honest opinion, I think they’ve done nothing wrong. Expect you of course, darling (Whispering) Did I ever tell you that you were my favourite of all my children?
Athena- (Whispering back) Oh, I know. (Back in talk show host mode) Any incident in particular?
Zeus- Oh the whole Hippolytus incident for example…
Athena- Would you explain to the audience what happened?
Zeus- Oh well, it was nothing really, just that the foolish boy insulted my beautiful daughter, Aphrodite, and so she took her revenge.
Athena- The problem was?
Zeus- Well, my other daughter Artemis was particularly friendly with him, I can’t think why, I always thought that boy was a little strange…
Athena- And want happened to Hippolytus?
Zeus- Not much. Aphrodite just made his stepmother fall in love with him. (The audience gasp. Shouting to the audience) Oh come on! Worse has happened! Look what we did to Oedipus! (The audience begin to boo) Oh, sod off!
Athena- And then what happened?
Zeus- Hippolytus stepmother went and killed herself. Then the silly moose went and said Hippolytus had raped her! So her husband, Theseus, reads the letter and wants revenge so calls on Poseidon to kill Hippolytus! (The audience again boos at him. Athena becomes uncomfortable.)
Athena- Maybe we’ll go to the audience to ask them what they think…(Athena goes up the steps into the audience where people are putting their hands up to be picked. Athena chooses a Disgruntled Audience Member, who stands up.) What would like to say to Zeus?
Disgruntled Audience Member- Thanks. I’d just like to say that as a mother, I would never, ever let my kids go running wild. (The audience mummers with agreement.) I mean what kind of a parent would allow their own children to go and drive some poor women to suicide? (The audience all now agree with her.) I think you seriously need to reassess your self as a parent and try and solve the problem before they get any worse. (The audience members applaud her.)
Zeus- Well, I think this answers your question! (The sky turns black and a lighting bolt shoots down and strikes the Disgruntled Audience Member, who becomes a smoking pile of rags! The audience gasp in horror.)
Athena- Dad! You can’t kill my audience!
Zeus- What? Did you see that? Hubris, that was, nothing but hubris!
Athena- Erm…(Timidly) Does…anybody have a question? (Nobody in the audience dares moves a muscle.) Well, I don’t think we’ll be asking anymore question from the audience. So, let’s bring on my next guest…Aphrodite! (The goddess enters, and some of the audience have found the courage to applaud Aphrodite take a seat next to Zeus.) So, how are you?
Aphrodite- Very well, thank you.
Athena- Do you think that people are being unfair to you because of your treatment Hippolytus?
Aphrodite- Yes. Yes, I do. I feel that he did indeed insult me as a goddess; calling me worthless and useless- what else was I supposed to do? Sit back and let him get away with it?
Athena- Don’t you think you were a little harsh?
Aphrodite- Are you questioning my judgement? Are you insulting me? How dare you!
Athena- No, I didn’t mean it like that, I was just asking…
Aphrodite- There you are questioning my judgement; I can’t do right from wrong with you? (Hysterical) ‘Oh look at me! I’m Athena! Everyone loves me!’
Athena- You’re being a bit over the top…
Aphrodite- Stop making fun of me! Tell her, Dad!
Zeus- Athena, stop making fun of your sister.
Athena- But I’m…
Zeus- I don’t want to hear your excuses, just stop it.
Aphrodite- Ha, ha!
Zeus- (To Aphrodite) Did I ever tell you that you were the favourite of all my children?
Aphrodite- Hee, hee! All the time!
Athena- I think it’s time to bring on the next guest, Artemis! (Artemis enters to cheers from the audience. She suddenly stops in her tracks.)
Artemis- That man’s looking at me! (She raises her bow to shoot at the man.)
Athena- No he is not so put the bow down!
Artemis- (Lowering her bow and arrow) He better not to looking at me, or else! No man may look at me!
Athena- Please, just sit down!
Artemis- (Sitting down) Ok, ok.
Athena- So what do you think oh Hippolytus?
Artemis- Well, he was very nice towards me, and always very respectable to me. Unlike most men he didn’t have sex on the brain…
Aphrodite- And that’s bad how?
Artemis- (Ignoring her) Then she came along and wrecked it all!
Aphrodite- No I didn’t!
Artemis- (Ubër-sarcastic) Oh no, of course of didn’t! You only made his stepmother fall in love with him, which drove her to suicide and made his father take revenge on him! So, no it wasn’t your fault!
Aphrodite- Are you being sarcastic to me?
Artemis- Well take a guess!
Aphrodite- Dad! Tell her to stop it!
Athena- (Interrupting) So, Zeus, who do you side with?
Zeus- Well, now, Athena, you of all people should understand that disrespecting the gods is a terrible thing to do…
Artemis- Are you siding with her?
Zeus- (To Artemis) Did I ever tell you that you’re the favourite of all my children?
Artemis- Oh well…I do try…
Athena- Moving swiftly on, we have a surprise guest. He’s being taken out of the Underworld and has been backstage listening to the whole, ahem, debate- it’s Hippolytus! (As Hippolytus enters he is greeted with boos and cheers from the audience.) So, Hippolytus, do you think you have been badly treated?
Hippolytus- Well, yes! In case you hadn’t noticing I am kind of dead!
Artemis- (To Aphrodite) See what you’ve done to the poor boy…
Aphrodite- Me? What have I done?
Artemis- Oh, don’t start that again!
Hippolytus- Hello? Resurrected human being here! Surely my opinion is important!
Zeus- (Under his breath) Bloody mortals…
Hippolytus- What was that?
Zeus- What was what?
Hippolytus- What you said?
Zeus- You mean ‘what was what’?
Hippolytus- No, before that…
Zeus- I didn’t say anything…
Hippolytus- Yes, you did!
Zeus- No I didn’t!
Hippolytus- And I heard you call me strange earlier on?
Zeus- So?
Hippolytus- Oh I’m strange? You’re the one shacking up with young boys.
Zeus- Hey! Leave Ganymede out of this!
Hippolytus- What is he? Like, eight!
Zeus- That’s it… (The sky once again turns black, ready for another lighting strike.)
Hippolytus- Oh, that’s a good idea! Considering I’m already dead!
Zeus- Oh yeah…
Hippolytus- (Under his breath) Bloody gods…
Zeus- What did you say?
Athena- (Despairing) Not again!
Hippolytus- (To Zeus) I didn’t say anything…
Aphrodite- What about me? Have you all forgotten about me?
Artemis- (To Aphrodite) Oh, why don’t you just shut up!
Aphrodite- (To Artemis) Are you insulting me?
Zeus- (To Hippolytus) Are you committing Hubris?
Artemis- (To Aphrodite) Whine, whine, whine! That’s all you ever do!
Hippolytus- (To Zeus) Oh, shut up you sad old paedo!
Aphrodite- (To Artemis) How dare you insult me!
Zeus- (To Hippolytus) I’ve told you before- leave Ganymede out of this!
Artemis- (Standing up and raising up her bow) That man’s looking at me!
Aphrodite- Hey! What about me!
Artemis- (Still aiming her bow at an audience member) No man may look at me!
Athena- (Screaming) SHUUUUUUT UPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Everyone stops. Calmer) Thank you. Now, you come on my show, you argue, you murder and threaten to murder my audience members…
Zeus- (To Athena) Did I ever tell you you’re my favourite…
Athena- (Interrupting) Shut up! Look you’ve done nothing to be horrible to everyone- to the audience, to me and to each other!
Hippolytus- Sorry, Athena.
Artemis- (Lowering her bow) Sorry.
Zeus- Sorry, Athena.
Aphrodite- He started it. (Everyone glares at her.) I mean- sorry, Athena.
Athena- That’s better. (After a slight pause, Athena grins and returns to cheery talk show host mode) Well, what an exciting show! Tune in tomorrow we have Electra on with the topic: ‘My slag of a mother murdered my father, and I want revenge!’ Thank you for watching, and good night!
