Flashbacks are in italics.
*****
As the rain crashed off the window John Paul sighed as he shifted in his seat, his eyes fixed on the TV while he wrapped his hands firmly around the cup of cocoa he had, and shivered at the drop in temperature in the small apartment. The silence was engulfing, despite his attempts to distract himself with the TV, and he found himself once more wanting nothing more than a little companionship, if only for a moment. Seeking solace in the silence had become habitual to him and holding onto his regrets did little more than remind him of the things he had lost, of the people he’d hurt in falling for the one person whose heart he could never truly have.
“It was all true; I never lied to you when I said…”
“If its true then stay, why do you have to leave? If it’s so damn true then you wouldn’t be doing this to me.”
“Because you deserve more than this, than the hurt I’ve caused you in the past few months. I’m not strong enough for this JP, I can’t be gay. My whole life I’ve been hated, I can’t spend the rest of my life knowing that feeling.”
“I don’t hate you. I love you, and if you loved me then you wouldn’t care.”
His voice faltered and as the flashing neon lights caught his attention, the small indicators showing him Craig was mere moments from walking away, he cursed the moment he’d ever fallen for him for the simple reason letting go wouldn’t have been a problem. His eyes remained connected with Craig’s for moments, salty tears slowly begin to fall as the voice over the tannoy announced what he already knew, and he shivered as Craig brushed the tears away gently with his thumb. Resting his head against his own he clung onto for what felt like ever, the panic of letting go setting in, and he cared not who was watching them.
“I love you John Paul McQueen, Someday you’ll see that. I just can’t be who you need to me.”Closing his eyes tightly for a moment he shook his head as if to chase away the memories, painful reminders of a past he was too afraid to let go of, and he settled the cup on the coffee table in front of him. In the early hours of the morning his thoughts often drifted to Craig, of their last moments together at the airport painful but moments he couldn’t forget, and he longed for the one he couldn’t hold onto. There had been no one since, his feelings the same still, and no matter how hard it was or painful it seemed he still couldn’t let go of Craig Dean.
“I heard he was dating some girl called Shannon. According to Frankie Ireland is exactly what he needs.” Nancy said cheerfully, her inebriation apparent as she waved the bottle of beer around slightly that she held in her hand.
He’d remained silent as Sarah, Nancy and Hannah had chatted amongst themselves, their friendship slowly growing once more, trust developing again after such hurt that had transpired and had left both Sarah and John Paul hurting more than they had felt possible. His eyes drifted occasionally too Spike on the decks, memories of a relationship that had been far less destructive, but still they paled in comparison to ones of Craig that he held onto so tightly in fear of forgetting someday what they had once had.
“I’m sure they’ll be happy, until he finds it too much to cope when it gets too serious.” Sarah said bitterly, her anger focused solely on Craig, and in some way she found herself with some sense of empathy for John Paul, the one who had been left behind. “I hope to god Frankie tells him I don’t miss him anymore.”
“I miss him still.”
“John Paul…”
Nancy whispered softly, her eyes gentle as she glanced to her sorrowful looking friend, and she sighed as she looked back at Sarah for a moment. It was obvious to both her and Hannah that despite what they said the hurt had not eased for both of them and wouldn’t in a long time.
“No I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry Sarah.”
“I get it John Paul; you don’t have to put on a brave face when you’re with me. I know you’re sorry, I know you miss him…he hurt us both. Good luck to Shannon, she’ll need it.”Time according to so many was a great healer. Those words had been uttered to him so often in the months that had past but they seemed unreal, as if they held no real meaning for him, and he sighed heavily as the sound of thunder roared in the background. If only for a moment it distracted him and gave him something else to focus on. Standing up he walked over to the window, watching enthralled as the lightening lit up the sky, and he rested his fingers gently against the glass.
“John Paul we’re meant to be students, living the dream, but all you ever do is sit around and look as if someone has died.”
“I’m sorry Nance’, I just... I guess I’m not as fun as I used to be.”
“I blame the weather; this damn rain always seems to make you think of him.”
It was raining once more, the weather dismal as the winter months crept in, and he sighed as Nancy settled on the couch by him and wrapped her arm around his shoulder, exhaling gently as she tried to form the right words to say. Months passed but nothing seemed to be able to heal the rift in his heart, his thoughts still focused on the man who had left him broken and longing for something he could not have.
“It’ll get better JP, it has to. Someday you’ll wake up and see that there’s something out there for you and when you do I’ll be right by your side.”He missed him more than he thought possible, more than he was able to cope with, and he wanted nothing more to break down and cry as he realised that while Craig moved on with his life and found new meaning he was stuck with painful memories and clinging onto a past he was afraid to let go of. Running his fingers over the windows gently, scrawling his name on the misted glass caused by the condensation he jumped as he heard a knocking at the door, his thoughts distracted if only for a moment.
Grabbing his keys from the table he walked over to the door, almost apprehensive to open it, fearing who it could be or what kind of consolation they were to offer once more. His body ached and despite all the comfort that had been thrust upon him by his family and friends he wanted nothing more than to be alone, to hide from the world, and forget that he’d ever been part of such a distorted existence. More than anything he wanted to forget Craig, to erase him from memory, so that when he woke in the morning the longing wouldn’t be there anymore and he wouldn’t feel so alone any longer.
“John Paul…”
His mind raced and the words didn’t come as he looked at the person stood in front of him, his clothes clinging to his rain soaked body, and he found himself caught between saying something or simply escaping back inside to the shelter of his isolation. Holding tightly onto the door frame he was certain his knuckles had gone white and he shivered from the chill outside as the other man remained stood watching him.
“What are you doing here? It’s not exactly social visiting hours.”
“I needed to see you. I missed you; I couldn’t take it any longer.”
“I find that really hard to believe. You never needed me, why would now be any different? Because if you’re here to try and hurt me more then don’t bother, I think I’m about as broken as I’m going to get.”
“I never meant to hurt you, I swear it. I’m not strong like you JP, I’m just not. There are days when I think what I’m missing and I hate myself for what I did to you.”
He found himself lost in those eyes as he stood in the doorway, his ability to hold back the tears not what it once was, and it didn’t take long until fresh tears began to make their way down his cheeks as he stared at Craig Dean. He wanted nothing more than to hold him, to have him to himself once more and remember of how it felt to be like with him, but the voice remained, taunting him that past mistakes were hard to forgive and he knew deep down nothing had changed between them.
“I don’t know why you’re here, or whether you’re just trying to remember what it was like, but you can come in if you like. Regardless of what happened I don’t want you catching pneumonia or something.”
Ushering him indoors he closed the door gently behind him and indicated for Craig to sit, settling by him on the couch as the noise from the TV echoed in the background, the static illuminating the room slightly. As the silence remained between them he sighed as he leant in closer to his former friend and lover, his eyes seeming hollow to him since the last time they had seen one another.
“What are you here for?”
“I’m here for the weekend to see my mum, I couldn’t resist it anymore. I needed to see you.”
“I always did come second to something else. Even when you’re trying to reclaim old memories or whatever it is you’re here for I’m still your last resort.”
“You’re not, I really do miss you JP. I never stopped loving you.”
“Just not enough to stay though. I’d say it but I can’t take that kind of pain anymore.” John Paul whispered sadly, his eyes awash with a pain that wouldn’t go away. “I’m not like you Craig; I can’t move on and just forget the way you could.”
Closing his eyes briefly he jumped slightly as he felt Craig’s lips on his own, his arm snaked around his neck, and he shivered slightly at a connection he hadn’t felt in so long. Kissing him back forcefully he tried so hard to not look at him, to not feel guilt for reliving past mistakes, mistakes that always resulted in nothing more than pain and heartache for them both. Pulling back briefly he stood up from the couch then laced his fingers with Craig’s and led him into his room, words unspoken between them for fear the hurt that could be caused if they dared to say anything more.
“You’ll never get over Craig completely will you? No matter how much time passes if he comes back you’ll still forgive him, regardless of what happened.”
“I wish I could say you were wrong Nancy.”
“No you don’t, because the thought of Craig coming back, if even only for a night, is what you want. It’s what I want for you, because I’m so sick of seeing you look so sad and know there’s nothing I can do to change it.”He knew that in the morning he would be gone, that another night spent between them would become nothing more to them than a distant memory, but at that moment he didn’t care. It was only one night, but for one night Craig was his again.
I ♥ movies & getting caught in the rain, just hold back on the pina colada 
There's nothing more sexy than a time travelling glasses wearing time lord 
lol There's nothing that can't be solved with a little rock salt, a gun and Sam & Dean, oh yeah! Fanatical about Torchwood & Jack/Ianto-because stopwatches can be VERY fun!
![Picture of Alex {[They Call Me Idiot]}](http://community.channel4.com/groupee_common/platform_images/avatars/set3/23.gif "Picture of Alex {[They Call Me Idiot]}")
