It had been a long time coming but John Paul was glad that after almost a year of trying to get Craig out of his mind that he wouldn't be reminded of him everywhere he turned. As he looked out of the window of the plane he suddenly felt like he was falling and falling. This was the journey that Craig had done alone last September, but John Paul couldn't care less about how Craig felt on that day, it was one of the first times he would be away from his family for so long. He had managed to prepare himself properly once before, with the help and strength of Craig, but now he didn't need that strength, he had found his own.
Although John Paul knew that he would only be in Dublin for a short while, he was still nervous in case he did somehow bump into his old lover. However, John Paul knew that as soon as he arrived he would have 2 hours before catching the next flight to soccer camp in Atlanta, and when he thought of that he smiled.
“What's up?” “Oh, nothing, just nervous about what its going to be like.” John Paul said, still smiling, like a child in a sweet shop. “Well, you know what its going to be like,” his friend said, “We've planned this trip for months, we've done all we can, and now we are going to the States.”
At that John Paul's smile faded as he turned to see the plane moving to head for Dublin. Craig had never managed to get this far with him, when they planned a year ago to go to soccer camp, but at last John Paul had a friend who was going to put him first, a real friend.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Read my fic, its called Friends and nothing more - McDean. Member 9 of Missing McDean: Team Snowflake Member 6 of the Getting rid of McPriest club Call me Hannah, i'm not really a Evil ninja bunny!
It was a bright sunny day in late June, although Craig had never really felt warmth since 'that day' back in September. Although Craig had finished his exams a few weeks ago, he decided that he would actually be a tourist in Dublin at last and see everything that everyone else had been talking about for the past year. By the time Craig had really managed to see what he wanted, he had his usual call from Frankie, but this time he knew that it would be about making arrangements for him to come home for the summer, rather than his parents visiting him in Dublin.
Craig deep down knew that he was putting off his return for once reason- John Paul. They had barely communicated, there was a single text at Christmas, to which Craig never got a reply, but yesterday he received a text from John Paul:
Happy Birthday Craig. I know its your big 21st, and I wish you the best of luck in the future. JP.
Craig had cried all night at the message. He was so confused that JP would remember, yet his brother Jake still hadn't spoke to him since he abandoned Craig at the airport. Yes, deep down Craig knew that he was putting off his return because of John Paul, he had gotten to grips with who he really was, and was happy that Frankie had too, which made his life a little easier; but he had never gotten to grips with who he really should have been. He had destroyed John Paul and Sarah, and for that he had never forgiven himself, and would never ask for forgiveness. It wasn't until Craig had packed and arrived at the airport that he really did feel something. The sun had gone under a cloud, yet for the first time in months, Craig felt warmth, perhaps it was because he was going home, or heading back to be near John Paul, but he got the feeling that somewhere around him, John Paul was there, watching him.
**
John Paul headed to the toilet after he and his friend had checked in for their next flight of the day. They had only 2 hours to pass, which was too long for John Paul to manage. As John Paul continued to walk he pushed the door open and walked into once of the free cubicles with his newspaper. Although he didn't really need to go to the toilet, or want to read the paper, deep down he needed to have some time alone with the place he was in. Although he really was past caring about Craig Dean, he still took a moment in a rather odd spot to reflect on the fact that this city was were he could have happily called home, but that wasn't to be.
As Craig flushed the toilet he walked over and washed his hands, he had taken some quiet time from the busy airport to finally reply to John Paul's message. He was going to see him soon anyway, so Craig decided to contact him sooner rather than later. As he turned to dry his hands, silently John Paul received the message as he was sat only a door away from Craig. As Craig left the toilets, for want of not to be seen looting, John Paul shot up, flushed the toilet and walked back out of the toilets.
As he exited he got a strange feeling, one of things that could have been as he looked back down at the message, and up into the crowd of busy travelers.
Craig had made his way to gate 18, although his flight was not going to be departing for a while. Yes, he could have stayed back in Dublin for another hour, or spent his time on the computers in the airport, but instead he simply took a seat and waited. There were a few other keen travelers siting around, keen to get on the flight, no doubt it was their first time going to Liverpool. There was a business man sat across from him as well, obviously just out of one meeting and heading swiftly to another.
As Craig sat and watch the others, staring more than was necessary but without being seen, he wandered how any of the others related to him. The family there, well that was simple for him, he had been just as keen to travel here with John Paul, it was going to be an adventure, a journey that they longed to get on with.... Yet looking further still, it was the two little boys, no doubt brothers, that really caught his eye. They were playing with each other, trying to wrestle each other, so serious; yet whenever an announcement came up on the speakers they all of a sudden were stunned into excitement. Craig new that he would never have kids, he wanted to, but he knew in the end that he would only every be able to watch those young brothers play, just like he used to with Jake; he had grown old.
The businessman was so much more difficult to watch. He kept looking around him, at his watch, at the display screens and the staff at the gate, obviously keen to get going. Every now and then he would take a phone call from his 'office' and would confirm that the deal was going ahead, that he was waiting for a flight, that he would be back as soon as possible. He seemed so caught up in the little things, never taking time to just sit as Craig was and watch or think. Craig knew that that was what he used to be like, every little thing, every little secret kept his mind racing. Although there were a few times that he had managed to enjoy himself in, he had always had his eyes looking around, ruining those special times with both Sarah and John Paul.
It had taken Craig a lot to get to the place he was now in, he knew that he wasn't gay or straight now, he finally had a word he could say he was, like a name, he was bi. That was only the beginning of how Craig had begun to change, after finally being able to say that, allow himself to say it to himself, he had opened up to everyone else he knew and told them. What surprised Craig was the fact that everyone else around him had told him their secrets, the fact that many of them weren't straight; they had hidden that secret until someone else had the guts to ask, and Craig had grown for knowing that not everything is as it seems. He just sat there at the airport waiting, watching he man he used to be, and the child he had become.
**
John Paul had been by himself for a while, watching the planes going in and out of the airport, just as he had watched Craig's flight leave. He found it soothing, relaxing and thats what he needed at that moment. He looked again at the text that he had just received a while ago, still in shock. Although he had told himself that he had to text Craig on the one day in his life that John Paul should have been with him for, he didn't think it was a good idea. He expected Craig to take it as it was meant, and to leave it. He hadn't dreamt in a million years that he would actually reply. A hand on his shoulder slowly brought John Paul back to reality, it was obviously time to get the flight to the states, but as he still looked at the text it was taken off him....
Hi JP. Thanks for the message, it means more than you can imagine. I really do hope you are keeping well, and that we can meet up soon. I've finished at Trinity for the year and am heading back to Hollyoaks. I hope that we can meet up for a drink soon, like we used to. Love Craig. Xx
The two of them jumped, and started running as their names were called out as final passengers. They were leaving, they were going, and that drink would have to wait for a while, as Justin Burton switched off John Paul's phone. At the other side of the airport, Craig must have misheard what was said, he could have sworn that John Paul McQueen and Justin Burton were both flying off to Atlanta, but how could there be anyone else called that....
Craig was sat still dazzled by the shear coincidence of John Paul McQueen being read out whilst he was waiting for his flight to go back home. He never seemed to notice Justin Burton’s name being announced, most likely because just hearing the name made him fall into some strange daydream, until he was rudely waken by the announcement of the departure of his flight. What a coincidence!
Although Craig had not flown since the terrible day when he abandoned John Paul at Liverpool Airport, back in September, he seemed relatively calm about this flight. Not only because it meant going back home to Hollyoaks, but in some way it meant that the damage caused by the act could be undone. Although he knew that it was going to be difficult to see Sarah, to see John Paul, to see all those he had hurt before leaving, he knew that deep down it would be fine. He just knew that although some people would say things behind his back, those that really cared about him would be able to find a place inside them to forgive him.
The flight was only short; in fact Craig hadn’t even noticed that he had taken off, whenever they had landed after 15 minutes of being sat on the plane. And as Craig seemed to glide on without conscience thought, he had managed to pick up all his luggage and was now stood outside the arrivals section waiting for his mum to come and collect him. Not to his surprise, Frankie was already waiting for him, and he had the usual emotion felt warm welcome, a well meant kiss, and a gentle soothing hug.
Craig had not seemed to realise where he was until Jack called out “We’re here, Craig. You head on in Son, and I’ll sort out these bags.” Yet although he still didn’t feel like he could speak, or was able to, he felt like he was having a really good dream- he had arrived back in Hollyoaks, and he was sure it would only be a matter of time before John Paul came into his local for a drink.
**
As soon as Craig’s foot hit the solid ground, however, reality hit him like a block of bricks. It suddenly began to rain, and he jumped at the sound of the rumbling thunder, the sunshine beginning to the best summer of his life, was not starting as he had pictured it. Suddenly he noticed people looking at him, not with the warm smiles he had hoped for, but more with a warm curiosity of ‘Is that Craig Dean back?’ Some things never seemed to change, however Craig was not phased by any of the starting, the gossiping, or the gentle welcome homes that he got from familiar faces. Instead he took them all lightly, because he had become the child he should be, he was here to have fun, to enjoy himself and to sort things out with John Paul.
**
There had been the usual welcome home party from the Dean/Osbourne clans in the Dog, which Craig had been expecting, and hoping for. However it wasn’t until the McQueens and Sarah Barnes arrived that Craig suddenly realised that his perfect plan was not so perfect after all. How had everything changed so quickly and in such a short space of time? Yes there were many secrets to come for Craig, just to welcome him home, but more to come day by day.
“Hello love.” Myra McQueen gushed, she was glowing, obviously pleased to see Craig back. “When did you get back?” “Only early this afternoon, freshly back from Dublin.” Craig answered, and although it was his party, he had asked and pleaded to work behind the bar. “Oh good. How was Dublin? Have you spoken to many people yet?” Myra continued as Craig was preparing her order. “Dublin was fantastic, I just needed it, I know who I am now just from the experience, and the Guinness, you wouldn’t believe the difference in taste!” Craig said excitedly, since he had been to the factory only days ago. “I haven’t really seen anyone yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time,” he continued as he put the cash through the register, “I’m sure I’ll see John Paul before too long, are you expecting him this evening?”
It was at that moment that Myra picked up the drinks, obviously distracted by something, and she made her excuses and left. Although the McQueen’s stayed a few hours there, they never got served by Craig again that evening. Just after 9:30 Craig was in for a welcomed group of visitors, as Hannah, Nancy and Sarah all walked in and almost died at the sight of Craig behind the bar. It was Nancy and Hannah that moved to the bar first, as Sarah moved to grab the last table in the corner.
“Hello Craig. We weren’t expecting to see you.” Nancy said, unfortunately Craig didn’t know how to take the comment. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been out of touch.” Craig reasoned. “Yes, well whose fault was that?” Hannah decided to pitch into the conversation. “I’m not here to cause any problems.” Craig said, he hadn’t expected them to be hostile, after 9 months, he had hoped that they would have been past this.
It wasn’t until a moment later that the two girls burst out laughing; obviously they had decided to pull Craig’s legs. At that moment Frankie came up behind him with the girls drinks ready, she had obviously been in on the joke, and Craig was doomed to an evening of drinking with the girls, or so he thought.
Craig was glowing, he had his old friends back, well most of them, he was comfortable with himself; at last he was at peace. As he moved towards the table carrying the drinks he placed them down, it wasn’t until then that he had noticed Sarah. Was it just him, or was she pregnant? She couldn’t be, and even then she was he had been gone too long for it to be his.
John Paul and Justin were now both sat keenly on the plane, already on their way to the states, the land of the free. Although both lads had a lot to keep to themselves, this was the perfect time to share with someone, all that they had been feeling. Looking back a year or so, the thought that either John Paul or Justin would ever been seen drinking at the same back, never mind on the same flight seemed idiotic. However over the past few months things in both their lives had changed, especially for John Paul, and they had now moved past all the childish games they used to play to become mates. Just mates.
Although at first people had wondered whether John Paul’s new friendship in Justin was in anyway similar to how it was with Craig, which freaked John Paul out more than Justin, people had gotten used to a new John Paul, one that that name would never be mentioned to. John Paul had gone through ups and downs since Craig. He had gone on a path of self denial; he had become good friends with Elliot and Katie, through which he had become best mates with Justin, as well as a relationship with a priest and other unnamed flings. John Paul certainly had not grown up in the past year. He had become more like a spoilt teenager, although he never acted like it on the outside, just on the inside.
It had been a cold February evening when Zak had finally stolen Katie as Justin’s long time girlfriend, and John Paul’s closest friend. They had both put a lot of trust in Katie, all their secrets and feelings, emotions and problems, and although it wasn’t planned, they both realised that although she had gone to someone worse than either of them, that they could both get along better without her. It had taken Justin quite a while to move on, and John Paul no time at all.
It was on that cold February night that John Paul had asked Justin what he had asked Craig, whether or not he wanted to travel, and do the whole American Soccer camp. Justin agreed at first, just as Craig had, but John Paul noticed over a period of time that Justin didn’t hold anything back, and he was keener than John Paul had been, to his own delight. Sat their on the plane, they continued to talking.
“Did you send a reply to that Text J?” “I wanted to, but I couldn’t. There was nothing more to say.” John Paul said, looking more interested on the film starting than the meaningful heart to heart Justin was having with him. “J, I know you need to bottle some stuff up, and as you know I have no problem with that. But I get the feeling that this is the sort of thing that is going to dig and dig and dig at you, and all we want to do is have a good time… No worries.” Justin finished saying, before going along with the act of putting on his headphones to watch the film. “I know.” John Paul whispered to himself, with little more than a breath left given to thinking about that text.
**
As Justin and John Paul both arrived at the camp in Atlanta, faces glowing with both excitement and of the sunny weather they were shown to their rooms. Since they were going to be in charge of a group of children at the camp, they were going to be placed in different rooms, but since they had travelled together the camp officers decided to keep them near enough each other, so as not to disturb others too much. They had been glad of their rooms, because they were large, they had both been given large beds, internet access for both to contact home from, and lastly a tour of the entire camp. It was more than either of them could have imagined, and with the sun shining in his face, John Paul’s initial sombre mood had begun to warm. It was certainly going to be a brilliant few weeks.
Justin was sat on the grass, bathing in the sun as John Paul arrived. As he walked closer toward him, he saw the sweat beading off him, as he lay there in only his shorts and sunglasses. John Paul lay down beside him, putting his own sunglasses on, and decided to relax for a little while before they had the pleasure of starting work.
“Its amazing here ain’t it?” John Paul said, with as little energy as possible. “Yeah too true man. So do you want to talk about it yet?” Justin gently replied. “Well there is nothing to talk about.” “Other than the text.” Justin quickly replied, now sitting up to look at John Paul. “Yeah, well I didn’t reply, I’m not going to reply, and by the time we get back he’ll have left for Dublin again.” John Paul said, with a small glint of disappointment in his voice. “Yes, very well JP, but do you want to reply. There is nothing wrong with wanting to contact him you know. I know how you feel about him, and there is nothing wrong with that, just be honest with yourself.” Justin finished before lying back down. “Well, I don’t think you have a clue about it Justin. I don’t care about him anymore, he broke me, used and abused me, and left. At least Katie still speaks to you, she may have gone with him, but at least what you had was honest. I’ll see you later.” John Paul finished saying as he got up and started to walk away back to his room. “Be honest with yourself, somewhere deep down there…” Justin pointed at John Paul’s chest, “Is a part of Craig, a part of everyone who you have ever been close to.”
**
As Craig was sat there on his sixth pint, he was glad that he had regained his old friends. Other than seeing John Paul, his other worry about coming back was seeing the group of girls now sat around him, and he had done that easily, so what would it be like to see him. Craig had been telling the girls about everything that had happened in Dublin, including a list of all the people that Craig had slept with, just 3. The girls seemed to giggle at every opportunity they got. Even Sarah seemed happy, although there was something in her eyes that made Craig wander how she was really keeping.
“….and then I got dragged back by my wonderful Mum, and here I am.” Craig finished. He was glad that that was over, he hoped that someone else could speak. “So how are things with you all.” “Well, we’re all at HCC, I’m doing English and History, Sarah is doing English single honours, Hannah is going Health Studies and Sociology…” Nancy started to explain, as Craig nodded along, enjoying the moment of getting to know them all a little better. “…and John Paul is doing Music Technology and Sports Science.”
Nancy had finished that one sentence, and from then one, Craig couldn’t hear a word of the rest of the conversation as they all continued explaining how they were getting on. Hannah mentioned some bloke called Danny, Nancy talked about Charlie, and Sarah talked about a particular evening when everyone got pissed. None of the information really sank into Craig’s mind. John Paul had abandoned everything he had been working toward, a degree in English, and started to do what he really wanted.
Craig just pictured John Paul’s face as he began his course, he seemed happy, but as he pictured it, all he saw was Sarah in the background. Perhaps Sarah and he had made up, or maybe the reason for the change in course was because Sarah had also decided to study English. It was then that Craig decided to try and bring John Paul into the conversation. It was about time that Craig learned some things about the man he loved and lost; as he got up to get another round of drinks and shots, Craig’s mind was clear. If he got the girls pissed, and he mentioned John Paul, he wouldn’t have to ask any questions, and getting the girls drunk was not going to be an issue, they wouldn’t take much more to be there. Craig was going to find out every little detail about John Paul before he would go and find him in the morning.
Frankie had known that Craig would be getting a few visitors this evening; she had asked the girls to come over to keep Craig company. Although she had made sure that she always served the drinks she knew that Craig would eventually catch on that Sarah hadn’t had a drop of alcohol all evening, eventually. From the sounds of what Craig was doing, he was going to get mashed, and the last thing Sarah needed in her position was to stay and hear Craig talk on and on about John Paul.
As Craig reached the table with the tray of drinks, Sarah made her excuses to head to the toilet. She knew what was coming, and she knew that she didn’t want to be around whenever Craig started to talk about and discuss John Paul. It was hard enough on her, she had enough to deal with, and after a quick word with Frankie, she made her excuses and left.
“Where are you going? We’re only just getting warmed up!” Craig said, with his killer smile plastered over his face, clearly feeling the better side of his hang-under. “I don’t feel well, must be too much of a good thing, eh! But I’ll see you soon, yeah?” Sarah said, looking at Craig more than the other two. “Are you sure you don’t want one of us to walk with you?” Hannah said nervously, but with a look of disappointment from Craig in her direction she was told to stay, and with that the party really began.
After the three had finished downing the shots, Craig downing Sarah’s for her, Craig decided to start the discussion. There was only one topic, John Paul.
“So how are you all finding your courses? I’m surprised John Paul decided against doing English.” Craig said as casually as possible, luckily the girls didn’t seem to realise. “I think we all really love it. Well me and Sarah both love English, its so much better than A-Levels, although not as challenging in the first year.” Nancy started, already Craig could feel a pull away from the real question. “Yeah and I love sociology, it really helps me understand people a little better.” Hannah replied, as both girls looked at Craig again for more questioning. “So has John Paul been doing well?” Craig said as he sipped his pint, glad that now he had asked a direct question.
As Craig asked the question, he could see the two girls looking at each other as they both drank their drinks a lot longer than they had been all evening. It was almost as if it were a competition, that the first person to finish would have to do all the explaining. Unfortunately Nancy finished first, but fortunately she was the stronger of the two, strong enough to answer awkward questions, just like now.
“Well Craig, he’s changed a bit, since you left.” Nancy said, still being more interested in her drink that Craig. “A bit?” Hannah said, outraged. ”He’s completely changed!” “What?” Craig said, shocked that it had gone from subtle to shouting match in seconds. “Well, he started to self-harm just after you left, broke down completely, until around Christmas!” Nancy continued calmly, in an undertone, since other people were watching them, including Frankie. With that Hannah took the hint. “Well then he went quiet for a bit, and it was then that we all started talking to him again, after what happened with Niall, he needed friends…” “Well, we all went out one evening, Sarah, Nancy, me, John Paul, Justin, Katie, you know the usual lot… And something happened, Sarah and John Paul had a huge row, and since we haven’t really kept in touch with him.” Hannah finished.
All three of them were certainly feeling the effects of the alcohol; at last the shots had done their job. As they all gathered their thoughts, as they started to finish their drinks, Craig’s mind was trying to process the small amount of information given to him. John Paul had self-harmed? Broken down? And who was this Niall bloke? Had John Paul moved onto other blokes after him, or was it Niall that had caused him to breakdown and self-harm? Either way Craig was still as determined to see John Paul, and to get some answers. It was a pity that it couldn’t be done in a much more friendly way as he had been hoping for before he had to ask questions.
i am loving this hope craig gets to talk to jp hope you will continue soon
------------------------------ mcdean=our meeting was more then fate,knew you were my soul mate,your timing is never wrong,now we share a bond so strong
