In the deep recess of our mind we fight to control our demons. In this dark often troubled, but sometime touching story, we travel a path to reveal one mans struggle whose faith lost its way and another mans right to a world that doesn’t accept him. In the end both men will have learned dire lessons that will change their lives forever, binding their souls.
“Maybe its time you started.” Father Kieran stated. John Paul looked into his dark brown eyes, he wanted to say he didn’t go to church because his lifestyle would be viewed as sinful. (Extracted from part III)
'If he weren't a priest, I would have some interesting thoughts about him' (Extracted from part V)
“Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes; but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee to judgment.” Father Kieran thought of the passage he wasn’t sure why, maybe it was his slightly in pure thoughts of his Botticelli. (Extracted from part VIII)
Written by Keith and Robert
The Part of Fr. Kieran – is written by Keith
The Part of John Paul – is written by Robert
Sub edited by Maria01
A message form the writers: Anyone who is religious please do not be offended it is only a story.
author of the fic 'Craig and John Paul' pre-sequel to 'Remember Me' And Co-writer of Sins of the Father with Robert
I must confess to you its not the placement I wanted, truth be told I actually wanted to preach in a prison, but the bishop decided I was too young and inexperienced, he’s probably right I am only thirty-two after all. I wasn’t expecting a posting like this, the back end of nowhere with a flock that numbered the same ‘nowhere’ and by all accounts getting smaller by the day. What the bishop expected me to do with this place I have no idea. “A rest after Africa”, “teaching ground for middle England” he called it, more than likely was that no one else wanted the post so it went it went to the least experienced, lucky me. Still I could have been worst, I could have been the priest on the island of lost; mind you at least I would have had a captive audience. Why do they make us wear those ridiculous robes, that take us forever to get them all on, there itchy as hell ‘forgive me’ and when its summer there hotter than a sauna fully clothed. Mind you at least they keep you warm in the winter since all the churches are freezing, I mean when have you ever gone to a church and been warm, oh your ‘emotions’ with the filling of Christ and God may make you feel all warm inside but your bones still rattle.
My calling, if you can call it that since it was more of an order of my parents, started like all the others full of ideologies to further the message of Christ, to do good, to make real changes in the world. However it seems these days that all the church has done is alienate the populous and refused to change to the modern world. I know I’m a cynic, and for a priest that’s not good, but I wasn’t always one. Once I really did want to change the world. But its hard to preach the word of God and the message of Christ’s love when your in places like Africa watching thousands of people dieing of AIDS, when all the church had to do was change it stance on the use of condoms. Don’t get me wrong it is not my right nor intent to tell the Vatican to change it’s views on such issues, but since ‘condoms’ are not mentioned in the scriptures, what’s the problem in changing the stance. I know all the counter arguments such as abstaining from sex before marriage, I’ve heard them all, but tell that to child who has been born with the HIV virus when he is guilty of nothing; tell that to the child who is now parentless because they have both died of AIDS. I am a cynic but I can't help it.
Finally, I was ready at least, that’s what the reflection in the mirror tells me. The altar boys were also ready. Given the state of the flock numbers I’m surprised there are so many of them. Four in total and a choir, which judging by the practice yesterday, weren’t to bad, not amazing, but at a pinch they will do. The first hymn started and the altar boys lead the way to my first meet of the flock of Hollyoaks whatever they may be.
author of the fic 'Craig and John Paul' pre-sequel to 'Remember Me' And Co-writer of Sins of the Father with Robert
There will be more up tomorrow, an amount has already been written, so thats a guarentee! Also if you can/want you can either discuss this fic and what you think about it in the Discussion page for JP C and McDean Fics, or leave a comment on this fic.... (aka Leave single posts here, and more than one in the discussion page!)
Its been a few weeks since I last decided to write down my feelings, it was always the same then and I hoped that I could have moved on, I really hoped, but time hasn't helped. Since Craig left me he has always been with me, I just can't help myself, but to think of him. All those moments when I have nothing to do, all I do it think. I managed to talk the girls around, at least they all know the entire truth, and I don't have to let those lies eat me up anymore. Now its not the lies that hurt me, its what I did that day at the airport. Why did I not run after him? Why did I not stop when he whispered my name?
Enough of Craig, for now. I need to get to grips with my life, he has moved on, so so should I. I met up with Hannah and Nancy last night for a drink, but we weren't surprised to see Hannah not drink anything. She has been so forgiving and generous, and she keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault, but I know that it was. I still haven't forgiven myself, and I don't know if I will ever truly be able to. I know I was confused back then, but I always knew that it wasn't Hannah I was interested in. I have made some other new friends this year; Katie, Warren's sister is a laugh; Elliot, well that even shocked me, but we have a laugh anyway; more recently however there has been someone else who I've been friendly with.
After the entire saga with me and “he-who-must-not-be-named”, Jake and I have actually become friendly. I don't know if its because of Nancy, maybe she managed to get him to finally realise that not all that happened was my fault. I can honestly say that it has helped, its ok drinking in the loft or the SU bar, but now at least I don't stop dead out of shock and fear by entering the Dog. After all thats happened in the past few months I have gotten through it, learnt some lessons, and feel that I know myself a little better; and I know better than to try and fall too deep for someone, thats simply what is known as maturity in the adult world.
Part III - Narrator.
The service went as any other Sunday, Kieran preached and the sacrament was given. There were only a handful of people at the service, not surprisingly. After that Kieran decided that the next day he would make house calls, try and drum up the locals to attend church. The following morning Fr. Kieran started making those calls, he visited a few homes with various degrees of success, finally he called at the McQueen household at five in the evening. A young woman by the name, he later found out as, Mercedes answered the door, he entered the house to be greeted by a large woman, the head of the household. “Father Kieran it’s nice to meet you, your very young to be a priest.” “So they all tell me.” He replied in a soft voice with a touch of an Irish accent. “I’m Myra, this is Mercedes.” Gesturing to the woman who answered the door “This is Tina, and my youngest Michaela. The others are out at the moment.” “The others?” “There's seven of us all together.” Fr. Kieran nodded, at that moment the front door opened and though stepped a young blonde haired man. “John Paul.” Myra started. “This is the new priest, father Kieran.” “Hello.” Said Father Kieran. “Hi.” John Paul replied shyly. “John Paul is my only son, he’s attending HCU, first in the family.” Myra stated proudly. “You must be very proud Mrs. McQueen, and how is college treating you John Paul?” “Very well.” He relied. “Mrs. McQueen.” “Myra.” She corrected him. “Myra I never saw you or any of your children at mass on Sunday.” Myra’s face reddened. “To be honest father I didn’t like the old priest, and I didn’t know you had started, but I’ll be there Sunday.” She said though a smile. “And will you be there John Paul.” He wondered why he suddenly was being singled out. “I don’t really go to church father.” “I see, maybe its time you started.” Father Kieran stated. John Paul looked into his dark brown eyes, he wanted to say he didn’t go to church because his lifestyle would be viewed as sinful, but instead he simply replied. “Maybe.”
Well that wasn’t to bad a day, hopefully added a least a few more to the Sunday flock. The McQueen house was interesting so many of them. Another one that followed church rules and never used birth control. Although the young man was most interesting the double-barreled name, after the apostles or the Beatles, most likely the later. Still he was a handsome young man, slender, blonde haired and deep bright blue eyes, he reminds me of a Sandro Botticelli painting. Oh yes I appreciate beauty in all its forms, a man, a woman, the landscape of England, the art that adorns the Sistine chapel, beauty can be seen everywhere just like ugliness its all around us. I am a priest but some might call me a damaged man, not hard when you see the world for what it really is, a cruel heartless place, only my faith keeps me going but there is sometimes a rare time that something of beauty comes into my life that reminds me not everything is ugly. The village seemed nice I hear all the locals go to the pub called the ‘dog on the pond’ interesting name, strange, but interesting nevertheless, must pop in there and have a drink. It’s a good place to go, since more people these days visit them than the church, might be able to drum up more business.
Why do they make the parochial house look so depressing? I’m sure they do it to keep us in check, heaven forbid that we have a radical idea that wouldn't go down well. At least they provide a housekeeper, the place is clean and tidy, the food she cooks from what I have tasted so far is a bit like the room, depressing dull. Maybe I should start cooking for myself, it might not be good, but it can’t be any worst. Maybe that’s something I can learn this year, how to cook. Being married to the church at least I can’t poison anyone else, or endure anyone to have to try it.
Now what shall I preach on Sunday? How to avoid temptation? Never really worked for me, so I think I’ll skip that one. Maybe a parable Kane and Able always a good solid one can’t go wrong with a good old K&A story. I hope that young man John Paul does come on Sunday the church needs to reach out to the youth and the young, instead of the old and sick seeking to make peace with God before they meet they maker.
Part V - John Paul
Today wasn't too bad, I had a footy match in college today, at last I managed to play a match. The girls decided to come and watch, but I suspect that its because they wanted to watch the lads instead of the game, although I think Hannah was watching me a little too much, I caught her twice, and then she just smiled. I really do hope that she has moved on, and that I can too. We won the match, so it was inevitable that we would be heading off for a drink to celebrate, it was close in the end, but nevertheless we still won!
I had quite a few pints, the lads got them in for me, well I guess its because I scored the winning goal, but I wasn't going to refuse them now, was I? We had a right laugh, Dom put on the duke box and started dancing, I almost wet myself laughing. There are a few lads I like, and that with the fact that I was getting drunker by the pint could have led to an interesting situation, particularly since none of them seem to know about me being gay.... Thats going to be a conversation and a half!
When I finally got dragged off back home by the girls, I arrived to find mum, Mercy, Tina and Mich talking to a priest. I know mum had been going on about the fact that we were finally replacing the last one, but she hadn't mentioned the fact that it was going to be someone under 30, or at least thats what he looks like anyway... He asked why we weren't at church, well I don't see that that is his business, although I suppose Fr Michael probably had us on a parish list. He seemed nice, and when he asked me if I would be going to mass on Sunday, I said maybe. I know your not supposed to lie to a priest, but I wasn't exactly going to tell him that I wasn't going because I had a footy match, I wanted to go out on Saturday night, or simply because I didn't want to.
After Fr. Kieran left, the others started going on about how nice he was and how good looking, but I had to point out that he was a priest, nothing could ever happen. Fortunately they didn't ask me what I thought, I wouldn't have been able to tell them anyway. If he weren't a priest, I would have some interesting thoughts about him, he seemed so serious, does he ever just have fun? He is beautiful though, warm green-hazel eyes, a little taller than me, defined cheek bones, short brown hair, if he weren't a priest I wouldn't say no, or so I told Nancy. She just gave me that judging look until she realised that he situation was no better. Nancy however just couldn't understand what I was going on about, she will meet him at some point I'm sure.
So far so good! Enjoying the comedy touches - the church robes that are itchy as hell 'forgive me' and as many as four choir boys - think you need some light-heartedness in what could be quite a serious subject matter. Looking forward to reading more.
McDean Sunset Ending 2008!!!!!
♫ Walk on, walk on with McDean in your heart And you'll never walk alone You'll never walk alone ♫
As I sit and write my journal, something I have done since I was a child, I have always found that it has helped me, it was very useful while I was training and specially in Africa, although there were times when I wrote only to have it drive me to the point of insanity. The pages that I had written laughed back at me, taunted me at my inability to see pass my own preoccupation of faith when all around death knocked at my door. I once tried not to write at all, which only lasted a couple of days. Maybe it was my need to tell what I have seen, or maybe my need to have my little existence beguile me further. What ever it was I began writing again, the words of my own tortured mind somehow gave me comfort, it took me to dark places and allowed me to fight to find light in the darkness and deepest recess of my mind, oh I know what you are thinking crazy right? But let me ask you this, is it crazy to fight ones self in order to find light, to find the good and the happiness? We all do it whether you want to admit it or not, we all have personal demons that we fight to keep under control. For me writing this journal is my way of cleansing my soul.
So after doing some paperwork I took confession only one person today, in this world you’d think they would be lined up around the street. But now they can confess to the world via the internet and have thousands give advice all far more practical than saying 5 hail Mary’s for the forgiveness of their sins. Actually that’s not fair we are trained counselors and we do give advice where we can, but always at arms length isn’t that the point? I’m not so sure.
Today I visited the local pub interesting décor a sort of elicit mix of, of I’m not sure what the old bar mixed with bright colors a dizzying array of things, it’s the best I can describe it, its an odd place. I decided not to wear my dog collar I know the church would frown on such act of disobedience but I find that if you want to get to know people you need to do it without declaring yourself to the world, besides I find it amusing and I would miss out on the colorful profanities if I were sitting he with my collar on!
I ordered my drink and sat quietly watching the coming and goings, the students who should be at class, but was sure they preferred to be here, were merry and loud. I’ve often regretted not going to University to experience the real student life, instead putting up with the seminary. You can’t really call the priesthood knees up after all! But considering the amount Fathers drink maybe it is! As I sit there I see the young Botticelli enter the bar, he wondered over to the other side and began talking to some friends. My eyes inadvertently followed him as he steped up to the bar and ordered himself a beer, he didn’t see me that was good I didn’t want to embarrass him. He picked the glass up with his slender hands and long fingers and walked back over to his friends I smiled to myself and then reminded myself he’s only nineteen and I’m a priest, I'm his priest. I shaked my head drank my drink and promptly left.
Part VII John Paul
I finally managed to get my English essay in this morning. It seems so stupid, but it really was such a weight off my shoulders, to know that I had done my best and that I could at least get on with the student experience. After handing the essay in I decided to catch a morning coffee with Nance and Katie, Elliott was supposed to come, but he got held back after his lecture, I don't know why. I know that we all have issues, but for once I really was glad to hear other peoples, instead of my own being told. I can't believe that Jake and Nance aren't getting on at the moment, as far as I can tell Jake seemed to think that Nance was spending too much time at Uni and too little time giving him the attention he wanted.
After my elongated chat, I ran off to footy training, I finally realised that my fitness isn't quite up to what it was, and decided to finally join the gym, God knows it was due. Some of the lads were saying that it might have been the fact that I drink too much beer, and don't work it off properly afterwards, but I at least will do in future. After training, me and a few of the lads decided to head to the Dog for a few pints. I know I earned a few after the training session we had, but I know we needed it, only to find out that the match had been canceled, probably because the opposition found out that I'd be playing!!!!!!! (I wish)
When we arrived, I decided to get the pints in with Dom, and as we were bringing them over to the lads I noticed Fr Kieran. It was really weird, I didn't think Priests were supposed to drink, although I'm sure one doesn't do any harm; even more strange was the fact that he wasn't wearing his usual collar, he looked like one of the locals, except a lot younger, more like a mature student! I know I said that I would maybe attend mass on Sunday, and with the canceled match there is no excuses, but I still really don't want to go, although I'm convinced that mum is going to force us all to go. I'm going to see what I can do to make sure I don't have to go and listen to someone who is ultimately going to tell me that I'm not good enough for the church- or worse still, that I should become a priest!!!
Here you go guys a few more chapters for you to enjoy
Part VII John Paul
I finally managed to get my English essay in this morning. It seems so stupid, but it really was such a weight off my shoulders, to know that I had done my best and that I could at least get on with the student experience. After handing the essay in I decided to catch a morning coffee with Nance and Katie, Elliott was supposed to come, but he got held back after his lecture, I don't know why. I know that we all have issues, but for once I really was glad to hear other peoples, instead of my own being told. I can't believe that Jake and Nance aren't getting on at the moment, as far as I can tell Jake seemed to think that Nance was spending too much time at Uni and too little time giving him the attention he wanted.
After my elongated chat, I ran off to footy training, I finally realised that my fitness isn't quite up to what it was, and decided to finally join the gym, God knows it was due. Some of the lads were saying that it might have been the fact that I drink too much beer, and don't work it off properly afterwards, but I at least will do in future. After training, me and a few of the lads decided to head to the Dog for a few pints. I know I earned a few after the training session we had, but I know we needed it, only to find out that the match had been canceled, probably because the opposition found out that I'd be playing!!!!!!! (I wish)
When we arrived, I decided to get the pints in with Dom, and as we were bringing them over to the lads I noticed Fr Kieran. It was really weird, I didn't think Priests were supposed to drink, although I'm sure one doesn't do any harm; even more strange was the fact that he wasn't wearing his usual collar, he looked like one of the locals, except a lot younger, more like a mature student! I know I said that I would maybe attend mass on Sunday, and with the canceled match there is no excuses, but I still really don't want to go, although I'm convinced that mum is going to force us all to go. I'm going to see what I can do to make sure I don't have to go and listen to someone who is ultimately going to tell me that I'm not good enough for the church- or worse still, that I should become a priest!!!
Part VIII - Kieran
“Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes; but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee to judgment.” (Ecclesiastes 11:9 KJ Version) Fr. Kieran thought of the passage he wasn’t sure why, maybe it was his slightly in pure thoughts of his Botticelli reminding myself that we all have to account for our works including our secret sins that they will all be judged by God.
.....And it would be right after all as I have said many times I may be a cynic, I maybe a damaged soul but I am still a priest. What I write in my journal is my confession and through prays I am absolved of my sins. But do I absolve myself?
Through my minds eye I see one path but my mind sees a different one. It has always been that way, never once has both agreed on the same path. I am lucky that the path my mind sees is that of the path as a priest where thine eye is as a man, as a man my path is littered with danger, but as a priest it is clear of debris and safe to walk. Therefore I walk the clear path. But still I am but a man. I feel like I am always standing at the fork of paths and one day instead of choosing the righteous path I have always chosen, I will choose the other, and then what will happen?
I often wonder if a man or woman were to read my journal what would they make of me? How would they perceive me in the real world? A man of God for resisting temptation, or a man that has failed his faith and given over to the will of man? This thought preoccupies my mind more than any other.
Part IX Narrator
Another Sunday has come to pass. Fr. Kieran was in the sacristy getting ready for the days service. He robed himself with the layers that he so disliked. The processional hymn started and as Fr. Kieran followed the boys to the altar, he immediately noticed that the church was much fuller than last weeks, then saw John Paul sitting next to his mother, he was pleased that he was there, as this would hopefully encourage more young people into the church.
The service was going smoothly enough, Fr. Kieran looked at the blond haired man more than once, then adverting them each time the younger man noticed him. His Botticelli was becoming a metaphysical distraction. The mind is stronger than thine eye Kieran reminded himself. “May the peace of Christ be always with you.” Fr. Kieran said. “And to you.” The congregation replied. Fr. Kieran walked down and shook the hand of the first person he came to, as the congregation shook each other’s hands. Fr. Kieran after shaking many hands came to that of John Paul, as he extended his hand towards him John Paul lifted his head so there eyes were fully aligned Fr. Kieran looked deeply in to his eyes as he took the young mans hand in his, he looked down as the very soft hand met with his, sending a shameful shockwave of emotions though his body. He then looked up into his Botticelli’s eyes wondering if the shock had pass though him as well. “Peace be with you Father” John Paul said quietly. “Peace be with you John Paul” Fr. Kieran replied.
John Paul’s hand lingered for a moment, as they released there grip there hands slid along each other until only there finger tips remained in touch with each other for what seemed a life time, Fr. Kieran clenched his hand into a fist no longer wanting to shake anymore hands he put his hands down by his side.
After the service Fr. Kieran stood at the entrance to the church shaking the hands of people as they left, could he endure another handshake from his Botticelli? As John Paul reached the exit he wondered himself what to do, ‘his hand was so soft yet strong, they were large and easily covered his, was there tension no there can’t be he’s a priest, but the look? The way he looked into my eyes, stop I’m imagining things.' John Paul decided to simply nod and say goodbye without a handshake, to which it seemed Fr. Kieran, was happy to go along with by doing the same, a nod.
author of the fic 'Craig and John Paul' pre-sequel to 'Remember Me' And Co-writer of Sins of the Father with Robert
It was a cold Tuesday night, and John Paul was stood waiting for Nancy, Sarah and Hannah. The had decided that they needed a proper night out in Chester, instead of Hollyoaks, John Paul was simply told that the girls would make the plans, and that all he needed to do was to turn up. John Paul was sat with only a blue striped white shirt on, 'It brings out the color in your eyes' Carmel had told him, but now his skin was turning a similar color as the girls were now 10 minutes late.
Just as the girls arrived, John Paul was about to send a text, but as he scrolled through his phone book, he suddenly realised that he still had Craig's number in his phone. In some way he knew he had kept it so that he could contact him if he needed to, but in all honesty he now had friends who cared about him, friends he could trust. As the girls arrived John Paul deleted Craig from his phone, he was ready to move on; Craig was in the past, all that he now needed to do was to enjoy himself, 'Young, free and single' Carmel had reminded him, 'The best way to be!'
“Hey you lot! What kept you all, I'm frozen here!” John Paul simply said, his teeth ready to chatter. As the girls approached him, the all kissed him on the cheek. “Why on earth didn't you bring a jacket?” Nancy logically asked. “Carmel told me that I couldn't be seen with this shirt on with any jacket.” John Paul said, as Sarah and Nancy laughed. “Anyway, you're here now. So where are we heading?” John Paul asked it was then that he noticed the cheeky grin between Nancy and Sarah, imitated eventually by Hannah. “We finally decided it was time that we all went to a gay club with you!” Sarah shouted out, unable to contain her excitement.
The four had been in the club for nearing 3 hours, and were now feeling the effects of it all. The last time John Paul had been to a gay club he had hated it all, but looking back he guessed that it was because he was with family, not friends; and the crowd seemed a lot better this time. He was now getting more and more drunk, especially since Sarah and Nancy seemed to keep giving him shots. They had all danced to as much cheese music as they could, but the girls seemed to want to go in search of more music, John Paul on the other hand wanted to sit down for a while.
As he sat there, he started to notice the attention he was getting from a number of the clubbers. Although it did make him uncomfortable, John Paul was somehow glad that he was able to get this attention, this attention that Craig would never have given him. It was then that he noticed one lad in particular heading in his direction, it was someone familiar, but he just couldn't picture where he recognised him. As the lad came over, John Paul suddenly realised that it was one of the other footballers; he was a sub for the team.
“Luke?” John Paul squinted, waiting for conformation of the lad’s name. “Liam actually.” Liam laughed as he realised just how drunk John Paul was, he had seen him like this before, but somehow the fact that it was a gay club seemed to change the situation completely. “Are you gay? Or just out with your friends?” Liam queried. “I'm gay and out with my friends, although I don't think a lot of the lads know. You?” John Paul said as Liam sat down beside him on the comfortable leather couch. “I'm gay too, and out with Friends, just not out with the other lads!” Liam said with a serious look on his face, before neither could contain their laughter any longer.
*
The lads had been hidden away in the corner for half an hour, as the girls were searching for him. As they finally laid eyes on the scene, Nancy and Sarah seemed ecstatic that John Paul was managing to pull such a fit bloke. As they arrived the lads were putting away their phones, having exchanged numbers, and life stories.
“See you at training tomorrow.... No wait, that was canceled, Thursday then!” John Paul said as Liam was walking off, and the girls arrived with more drinks for John Paul. “He seemed nice. Did you get his number?” Hannah said, wanting to get the sordid details out of the way first. “Well yeah. He's actually on the footy team with me; we were just talking about the match earlier during the week. It's so good to find another Liverpool supporter. We're going to meet up next week to watch the match.” John Paul said, lying through his teeth. He had gotten his number, because it was obvious that one wanted the other just as much, but neither had decided to make the move. Yes it was good that there was another Liverpool supporter on the team, but John Paul knew that the girls wouldn't have let it go had he told them the truth.
*
The Thursday training had been cancelled, but for some reason neither Liam nor John Paul had been told, as they arrived with no one else in sight. They had both gotten changed anyway, but after waited nearly half an hour in the changing room, they were forced to accept the fact that no one else was coming. As they both started to get changed again, strangely beside each other because there was lots of space, John Paul couldn't help but realise just how attracted to Liam he was. Liam was fun, they had a great time chatting in the club, and it seemed so natural for John Paul to lean in and kiss him. As Liam responded, only half dressed John Paul suddenly realised that what he had innocently started to do was going to turn into something else.
It was then that Fr. Kieran popped into his head, which freaked John Paul out. Why was he there? Was it because he felt guilty for getting off with a lad as quickly as he was, or was it because deep down he had feelings for him? Why did John Paul care what a priest would think? It was then that John Paul realised that none of these questions mattered, he didn't want some random one-time thing. John Paul pulled away from Liam, picked up his bag and shoes and ran off leaving a half naked, panting Liam wondering what was going on.
NB: The above Narrated part was writen by Robert.
Part XI - John Paul
What the hell have I done? I turned up for training earlier, got changed, only to find that Fit Liam and I were the only ones not told that it had been canceled! I don't know what it was, but it was nice being able to talk to someone outside of my usual friends about stuff. I suppose I enjoyed the attention from another bloke, not the way I am with Elliott where he is constantly emphatic that he is straight- no nothing like that- we were able to talk about things that repressed gay blokes go through. The beatings at school. He laughed when I told him about Craig turning out that way in the end anyway! It was nice to have the individual attention where no one else was watching, and it wasn't even a date.
Although I really get on well with Liam, I don't really think of him in that way. Yes he is definitely fit, but I don't think he could really understand me. Like, when I told him about Craig he laughed, I think in someway I only laughed to not be asked awkward questions. After a while we started to get changed again, I a lot quicker than Liam, it was when I was changed that I sat down, and smelt the aftershave that he had on. It was so familiar, and I leaned in and kissed him. I don't just mean kissed him I am talking full on! What the hell have I done? It was leading somewhere, or that's what i thought until I had confirmed evidence from Liam, it was then that I freaked out.
Fr Kieran popped into my head for no reason, although it was better than my mum!!! Or Darren for that matter!!!! I don't know why, but with the imagine in my head of him, it seemed to spur me on, until I asked why. Why had I stopped? Guilt? Well that was the only answer that I have come up with. Why did I start to get off with some bloke that I just didn't like in that way? Am I turning into Mercy? Is it me becoming a 'proper' gay, leading a seedy lifestyle? God help me if it is.
Part XII – Kieran
Today didn’t go as I had planned I was pleased that John Paul and his family were there but I was totally unprepared for the onset of emotions that came with it. When I touched his hand it was like an invasion of my very soul.
Praying helps it always does, but it doesn’t answer questions, some priests, priests I know personally, say when they pray they can hear god answering them, but I wasn’t blessed with that gift. I try to listen, listening as hard as I possibly can, but the only thing that I hear is the lights buzzing, the traffic outside, which brings my attention away from what I am praying for. My Botticelli, I must stop calling him that it’s comparing him to painting ‘the birth of Venus’ in other words ‘the birth of love’ for it means in the church the birth of love though Christ not the love of another. His name is John Paul and I am his priest, and he is a member of my congregation and that’s that. These thoughts about him are just, well there just stupid.
I'm closing my diary, no more words for today. Tomorrow is a new day!
author of the fic 'Craig and John Paul' pre-sequel to 'Remember Me' And Co-writer of Sins of the Father with Robert
Sorry guys the opening of part XII should have read:-
Sunday didn’t go as I had planned I was pleased that John Paul and his family were there but I was totally unprepared for the onset of emotions that came with it. When I touched his hand it was like an invasion of my very soul
author of the fic 'Craig and John Paul' pre-sequel to 'Remember Me' And Co-writer of Sins of the Father with Robert
Fr. Kieran woke at six am as he did every morning to go get up and ready, and to pray silently at the altar in the church across the road. Recently he was having problems staying focused, his mind was wondering, not about anything of substance, just wondering. John Paul invaded his mind once again, but this time he pushed it out. After his prayers were finished he did some duties around the church, by which time it was almost midday.
‘Oh god this is going to be awkward’ John Paul thought as he entered the changing rooms and saw Liam changing. “Hi.” Liam said as John Paul stood next to him. “Hi.” He replied, his face reddened not entirely sure where to look as Liam was near naked. In a low whisper so the other lads wouldn’t hear him Liam asked. “Why did you run of like that?” “I, look can we talk about this later, meet up for a drink at the dog?” “Okay.” Liam replied looking confused. As John Paul began thinking ‘what the hell am I going to say to him now? Sorry I kissed you. Sorry not sure I like you in that way. Sorry you are fit but I think I like you more as a friend, how do I tell him that after it was me that kissed him. And how do I get myself into these situations, its just like when I kissed Spike after we had broken up. No strings it could have been when I kissed Liam. Enough I need to get my head into the game.’
Kieran decided he would go for a walk before getting ready for evening mass, after having visited the sick in hospital. As he started walking in the park he could see some young men playing football. Kieran decided he would walk over and watch a little of the game.
As he got closer he could see it wasn’t a match, seemed more like a training session, having played the game in his younger days when he was training. It was a good way for the priest to exercise and one of the very few things they were allowed to indulge in. As he got even closer he immediately recognized one of the young men as John Paul ‘Seems I cant get away from this boy’ Kieran thought to himself.
As Kieran stopped at the edge of the pitch he saw John Paul look over to him, Kieran raised his hand in a short wave to knowledge him. John Paul did the same then looked at him. ‘Damn it’s a real pity he has that collar on, he’s one fit looking bloke actually maybe the collar makes him look more fit, what am I doing? He’s a.’ John Paul thoughts ended as the ball hit him hard in right in the groin. Kieran grimaced as he saw what happened then heard John Paul shout something that w
♫ 
