Beloved, let us rejoice, for this is a time of celebration. In the true spirit of this season, let our hearts be gladdened, and let us pray and pay tribute to the deity in whose honor this holiday comes...
...Eastre, the Germanic goddess of spring.
No, no, wait, that's not right. Let's try again.
Please forgive our previous silly mistake. As we all well know, beloved, this holiday comes not because of any primitive druidic goddess, but rather in honor of a heroic figure, a true god among men, who was born of a mortal woman and a divine Father. As should be obvious by now, the name of this very special child was...
...Hercules.
No - hold on. That can't be right either.
Of course, of course. The hero of our story, the one whom we have gathered here to thank, was no figure of pagan Greek polytheism. He was a redeemer, one who came to earth to lift up sinful and ignorant humans, knowing full well he would pay the ultimate price for his actions, but willing to go ahead anyway out of love and compassion. As you all know, this blessed Savior was called...
...Prometheus.
No, no, give us just a minute. We'll get it right.
We all know full well who is being described here, of course. He is the one, the One, who defeated death itself and rose from the grave, in a miracle that no other would-be savior has ever been able to duplicate. By dramatically displaying his power over death, he proved once and for all that he was the single true god. And his name was...
...Osiris.
No, wait. That's not right either. Of course! What a ridiculous error to make. Our apologies.
Beloved, only one god fits this description. You know him well -- millions of you around the world today worship him. He was conceived miraculously and visited while still an infant by wise men who were guided to him by a star. He lived in a small province whose evil ruler sought to have him killed before he could rise to power, but his parents were warned by a heavenly messenger who instructed them to take their child to a neighboring district, where he would be safe from the slaughter. This miracle child would come to grow up and perform many great deeds, and the timeless and moving story of his life was recounted throughout history and still rings true today. I refer of course to...
...Krishna.
Is that right? That can't be right, can it?
No! Beloved, the god to whom I refer stands alone, unique, head and shoulders above the myths and fables of the false religions. No other savior ever claimed to duplicate his deeds. No other prophet was anything at all like him. He was the mediator between God and man, he helps departed souls ascend to heaven, and he will judge the human race at the end of the world. He shed the blood of an innocent to wash away the sins of the world and established a sacred meal ritual where flesh and blood were symbolically consumed by initiates. Only one person fits that description. You know this person well - his birthday falls near the end of the year, on December 25. As should be more than obvious by now, this person can only be the one who was called...
...Mithras.
That doesn't seem right either...
Of course. That, too, is incorrect. My most sincere apologies. Beloved, do not let these slight slips of the tongue distract you from the power of the message I bring. Our religion is the one true religion. The claims of all others crumble under scrutiny, but ours and ours alone is validated, again and again, by historical fact. It was the first of its kind to make such claims as these; all others are merely impostors which sought to capitalize on its fame. Our savior cannot be mistaken for any other. He performed countless miracles on earth, miracles well attested to by bystanders. He healed the sick and the crippled, restored sight to the blind, cast out demons, yea, even raised the dead! His birth was of a virgin, foretold by an angel. While still a child, he exhibited extraordinary knowledge of religious scripture. He reformed the corrupt and worldly religions of his day. After his death, he rose from the grave and appeared to his disciples to prove to them his miraculous power, after which he ascended to Heaven to sit at the right hand of the Father. He was known as "the Son of God!" No other religion can make such claims! No other savior proved his divinity again and again to so many! No one can doubt his power or the truth of the message he brought. His memory will live forever. How can he be mistaken for anyone else? Of course, by now there is not a shred of doubt in any of your minds. You know as well as I do to whom I am referring. We must worship him, pay tribute to his memory, and focus on spreading his message of love and compassion; that, after everything, is the true meaning of Easter. Come, beloved, let us pray and honor the divine prophet whom I have just described. Let us glory in the everlasting love of...
It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down, Luis, even as you lounge, like an indolent ape, at your computer screen.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down, Luis, even as you lounge, like an indolent ape, at your computer screen.
There are about 2,500 gods up there who might decide to strike him down. Maybe they are trying to decide who'll do it.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down
Hmmm, I think you'll have a hard time defending that assertion of your gods nature given his various great and minor acts of violence in the bible. He comes over as a psychopathic mass murderer rather than some graceful pacifist.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down, Luis, even as you lounge, like an indolent ape, at your computer screen.
There are about 2,500 gods up there who might decide to strike him down. Maybe they are trying to decide who'll do it.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down, Luis, even as you lounge, like an indolent ape, at your computer screen.
There are about 2,500 gods up there who might decide to strike him down. Maybe they are trying to decide who'll do it.
Just the one, I'd heard?
Just the one with the worst homicidal tendencies, you mean? That's the one you worship, isn't it? It's ok, they are all fictitious. But deep down you know that. At least when the haloperidol kicks in.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down, Luis, even as you lounge, like an indolent ape, at your computer screen.
There are about 2,500 gods up there who might decide to strike him down. Maybe they are trying to decide who'll do it.
Just the one, I'd heard?
Just the one with the worst homicidal tendencies, you mean? That's the one you worship, isn't it? It's ok, they are all fictitious. But deep down you know that. At least when the haloperidol kicks in.
You're so very nearly right: 2,499 of them are indeed fictitious.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: You're so very nearly right: 2,499 of them are indeed fictitious.
By my calculations, that makes you 99.96% atheist.
"Without free speech no search for truth is possible... no discovery of truth is useful... Better a thousandfold abuse of free speech than denial of free speech. The abuse dies in a day, but the denial slays the life of the people, and entombs the hope of the race." - Charles Bradlaugh.
Originally posted by Mr Woolf: It is a testimony to the grace and foebearance of the Almighty that you are not struck down
Hmmm, I think you'll have a hard time defending that assertion of your gods nature given his various great and minor acts of violence in the bible. He comes over as a psychopathic mass murderer rather than some graceful pacifist.
Hey Woolfie, I don't know about you, but I have noticed an ever increasing abundance of followers of the Dawkinsian faith on here... all regurgitating passages from one of his popular texts.
It's almost as though they have all been brain-washed... mass hysteria... I imagine that they all convene in countryside retreats, dressed in white gowns and wait for their guru to arrive.
Dawkins arrives and they all repeat parot fashion, chapters from his book, accompanied by whoops of 'yeah... go for it Richie...' followed by grinning exercises, where metal clips are inserted in either side of the mouth and pulled up repeatedly... working those muscles that are otherwise redundant, unless on tv or a platform somewhere he's flogging his latest wares!
p.s. I do have a fondness for Dawkins really... kind of that embarassing Uncle, that always says something inappropriate just at the most inopportune moment! Quality!!
Y'Know: You're absolutely right. I was thinking myself just this morning, how these guys must feel this sense of warmth that all of this stuff has been scientifically proven in some way, and that the evidence is out there, and there are lots of web sites which say it, so it must be so. If any of them bothered to scratch the surface slightly, they would inevitably see this great balloon deflating as it farted around the room, to reveal the ultimate substance of the theory that is the big bang, evolution, abiogenesis et al, bundled into a gossamer envelope, and inflated with hot air. How sad it is that the Prince of Darkness has such a silver tongue that he has persuaded these not unintelligent guys to an eternity of perdition.
Originally posted by Greenjack: I would be careful with your own balloon guys, it's far more delicate than ours
But ours is floating way above yours (filled with Helium of course)... yours is just buffeting the ground (filled with the hot air of Dawkins\Gould et al) heading towards a prickly thorn bush... I am looking on in eager anticipation of that day!!
Originally posted by RedJooles: kind of that embarassing Uncle, that always says something inappropriate just at the most inopportune moment! Quality!!
Originally posted by Greenjack: I would be careful with your own balloon guys, it's far more delicate than ours
But ours is floating way above yours (filled with Helium of course)... yours is just buffeting the ground (filled with the hot air of Dawkins\Gould et al) heading towards a prickly thorn bush... I am looking on in eager anticipation of that day!!
I interpret it as being down to earth while you are away with the fairies
Originally posted by Heselbine: I come, bringing greetings, from another place.
Where, incidentally, the fundamentalists are much more fundamental than you guys. Call yourselves Christians? Pah!
Hope you're all well, by the way.
I think I know where you've been. I was then redirected by Floopowder to another site which is open during the evening. I tend to spend some of my time there. However they are much more delicate there. Get upset quite easily.
