Twisted nursery rhymes indeed...lol

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.


Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said *beep* him, He's only an egg.


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.


Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Oh and also..

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana
Jack got high, unzipped his fly and Jill said "I don't wanna"

lol

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her Tufet
eating her curds and Whey
There came a big spider which sat down beside her
So she ate that too


Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas Pie
He put in his thumb
And Pulled out a plum
And said 'What the feck is that doing in here?'


Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross
To see a fine lady ride on a white horse
With rings on her fingers and bells on her toes
And a meatfork right through her head.

..............................................................

Old man Saddam
was a scary madman
Blowing all the Kurds away
There came a big leader
Who had no idea either
So they'll kill Saddam this or that way

I love those, well done - very funny about the bread.

What about the one from Grampa Simpson:

Old MacDonald had a farm,
E I E I O,
And on that farm he had a chick,
The wildest chick I know!

----------
Mary has a little lamb,
She also has a bear,
I often see her little lamb,
But I'd love to see her...

----------
Baa Baa Black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Of course I have, I'm a sheep you plank!

Mary had a little lamb
The midwife passed out

Mary Mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow
&%$# off Titchmarsh

There was a crooked man
Who walked a crooked mile
He found a crooked sixpence
By a crooked stile
His name was Tony "crooked" Blair

Hickory Dickory Dock
The mouse ran up a huge bar bill

Higgledy Piddledy my fat hen
That's quite enough, you Scottish sexist

Hey diddle diddle
The cat did a piddle
All over the kitchen floor
The little dog laughed
To see such fun
And the cat went and piddled some more.

Diddle diddle dumpling my son John
Went to bed with his trousers on
One shoe off and the other shoe on
He's a 14 year old binge drinker, what can you do

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Wish I'd learnt to read a book
Or asked that Patrick Moore bloke

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jump over the candlestick
Then over a fence, stole a car and hijacked a plane
Well he'd do anything to get away from Jade.

Baa Baa black sheep have you any wool
Sure, I have a national chain of knitting shops

Incy wincy spider, climbing up the spout
Along came the raindrops and wash poor Incy out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
Incy wincy spider gave up his job as spout climber and formed a boy band

LMAO at all of those!

Lovin them all

mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon


mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
every time that mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
mary had another skirt
t'was given to her by her granny
....but she didnt wear that one very often

Mary had a little lamb
you've heard this tale before
But did you know she passed her plate
And had a little more.

Jack & jill went up the hill
To fetch a pale of water
silly Jill forgot her pill
And now they have a daughter.

Hey diddle diddle
the cat did a piddle
all over the front door mat
The little dog laughed
To see such fun
And piddled all over the cat.

Love this post, hope it doesn't get pulled!

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white as snow
She pimped it out to lonely farmers
To make herself some dough

Old macdonnald was dyslexic
A O I O E.

quote:

Originally posted by Littley:
Old macdonnald was dyslexic
A O I O E.

Hickory dickory dock
the mice ran up the clock
the clock struck one...
the other one got away with minor injuries.

Bernard Matthews had a farm
E I E I O
And on that farm he had bird flu
E I E Achoo!
with a BONK cull here
and a BONK cull there
here a BONK there a BONK
Lorry loads of BONK BONK
Bernard Matthews killed his birds
Pray the next aint you

haha ace

I have one but I duno if it would be 'too rude' for here.

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white & wispy
Silly lamb caught foot & mouth
And now it's black & crispy!!!

i know a good riddle

mary had a little lamb
she thought it was quite silly
she threw it up into the air
and caught it by its..
willy was a watchdog sitting on the grass
along came a bee and stung him up the..
ask no questions tell no lies
i saw a policeman doing up his..
flies are a nousanse bees are worse
that is the end of my little verse

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
But Jill's old Dad was flamin' mad
About Jack and his daughter.


"Yer stupid clott,
Yer should be shot
I'll 'ave nowt o' that caper
Yer went ter bed, you'll 'ave ter wed,
I'll announce it in t'paper."