what do you call a camel with three humps? humphrey.
two puddles of sick in a gutter, one says, "I see they've rebuilt the cinema and blocked off the end of the high street to make way for the new shopping centre." "I take it you know this area then?" says the second puddle "Oh yeah, I was brought up round here"
what's black and white on the bottom and brown on top? a nun with a monk on.
what's the difference between light and hard? you can get to sleep with a light on.
what's the difference between an Australian and a yoghurt? if left long enough, a yoghurt will develop a culture.
i was woken this morning by a boeing 747 crashing through my bedroom door! it's my own fault, I'd left the landing lights on.
It is the future:all the resources of the world have been expended on an 'ultimate computer': an AI which will surpass all other minds. After fifty years of intense designing, experimentation, and building, finally, the President of the World - on international tv, of course - stands before the great machine and speaks to it: "Oh Great Computer: I must now ask you the questions which have been plaguing mankind since the dawn of time, and which you must now answer, using your speech unit, so we may at last break free from this terrible quandry we find ourselves in. The questions are: (1) Is there a God?; and (2) Can we communicate with him?" The gigantic artificial intelligence replies clearly and immediately: "Yes." There is a pause, and the World president becomes annoyed. All this time and expense and the computer merely says 'Yes'! The Presidnet does not know whether the computer is answering the first question or both together, and testily demands: "'Yes' what?" The machine replies, somewhat snootily: "Oh dear...'Yes, SIR!'"
A chap walks into a pub and orders himself a beer. He notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next stall, and asks him if he wants a beer. "No thanks," replied Vincent, "I've got one ear."
This is my signature, there are many like it but this one is mine.
Old lady goes out shopping While she's out a meter reader knocks on the door. A pet parrot inside calls out 'Who's that?' He replies politely, 'It's the man to read the gas meter'
'Who's that?' calls the bird again so the man repeats, ' it's the man to read the gas meter!'
'Who's that?' 'I said ... it's -the- man- to- read- the -gas- meter!!' This goes on (and on for as long as you can hold an audience) until the man has a heart attack and dies on the step.
The old lady returns and when she sees the body, says 'Ooh... now who's that?'
A quiet voice from within mutters... ' 'It's the man to read the gas meter'
