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A husband said to his wife 'Get your coat on love, it's time to go down the pub'. She replied 'But you NEVER take me out'. 'I'm not,' said the husband, 'but I'm turning the heating off before I go.'
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!: A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." hi JJ..hope im keeping them clean!! 
this is the best joke i have heard for years, ab brilliant, very well done, by the way.................................have you got any more? |
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
A husband said to his wife 'Get your coat on love, it's time to go down the pub'. She replied 'But you NEVER take me out'. 'I'm not,' said the husband, 'but I'm turning the heating off before I go.'
b...bo...bor...bori...borin...boring!!! |
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quote: Originally posted by jumbo jimbo: [QUOTE]Originally posted by ohdearieme!: A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." hi JJ..hope im keeping them clean!!
this is the best joke i have heard for years, ab brilliant, very well done, by the way.................................have you got any more?[/QUOTE forget the next one a shame but this really is ab fab |
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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
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Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
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Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
trash joke |
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quote: Originally posted by jumbo jimbo: quote: Originally posted by jumbo jimbo: [QUOTE]Originally posted by ohdearieme!: A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away. A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'." hi JJ..hope im keeping them clean!!
this is the best joke i have heard for years, ab brilliant, very well done, by the way.................................have you got any more?[/QUOTE forget the next one a shame but this really is ab fab
 see what i can do |
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quote: Originally posted by jumbo jimbo: quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
trash joke
ok |
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good joke quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares!
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
top joke |
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
another top of the range joke ....what a player.............you are a total star...........your top top jokes are just total ab fab ab fab ab fab .....<why ruin it with some of the crummy ones> ..........................................this is a mega ultra unbelieviable top notch ab fab joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.
He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.
"Notice anything?", He said.
"All I can see is a limp d**k". She replied.
"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.
"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!
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quote: Originally posted by jumbo jimbo: quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
another top of the range joke ....what a player.............you are a total star...........your top top jokes are just total ab fab ab fab ab fab .....<why ruin it with some of the crummy ones> ..........................................this is a mega ultra unbelieviable top notch ab fab joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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this one slightly rude...sorry A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!" |
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This guy is walking along a dirt road when he stubbles upon a bloke lying on the ground with his ear in the dirt.
"Are you alright? What are you doing?" the man asks but gets no answer at all.
The bloke doesn't even acknowledge that he is there.
So after a while of silence the man asks again, "Can I help you sir?"
The bloke replies this time. "Ford pick-up truck, blue, 18 inch rims, two passengers, female driver."
"Wow! You can tell all that by listening to the ground!" the man says.
"NO" The bloke replies with a shocked look on his face "The bit-ch ran over me 10 minutes ago!"
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Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in s**t up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
An old farmer went out and bought a new pair of boots.
He got home and tried to get his old lady to notice them, but she didn't. So he went in the bedroom, took off all his clothes, and came out wearing only the new boots.
"Notice anything?", He said.
"All I can see is a limp d**k". She replied.
"Yes, but look at what its pointing at, My new boots". He said.
"Huh" she replied, "Then you should have bought a new hat"!
wow this is brill....its a hatrick top top top top top joke!!!!!!!!!! |
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!: this one slightly rude...sorry A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
i do not want to get barred as well so how can i comment on such a joke by a pure genius |
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In the back woods of Scotland, Ian's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there Ian!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come yet."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"
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quote: Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, ro
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