One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

quote:

Originally posted by ohdearieme!:
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss."

So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account.

For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and a Porsche appeared, but at the same time outside his boss' house appeared two of each car.

Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully", and so the man replied... "I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

this is just brill ..................will cath up with your back of the net jokes soon.......geniuse!!!!!!

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

No offence meant with this...

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"


see you next time!!

a man is in a prison cell with no windows and no doors; there are no holes in the ceiling or trapdoors in the floor, yet in the morning the wardens find him gone.How did he get out?
Through the doorway-there were no doors remember!

you are the bus driver
it is not a sum

1+1 5+6 231524524+1 745+7+4+545737+55457+6554+5654 111+222+333+444+555+666+777+888+999+10101032615+656456565+677463643+43532+545+4324213+99=87^*7+457465+535454+424352+54432324=2347732503285 71537097598739521563p summert like that hu is the bus driver

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman,

"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door

bags of crisps are walking done the road, a policeman pulls up beside them and asks "do you want a lift?", they both reply

"sorry mate, were walkers!!"

An ugly woman walks into to a psychiatrist's office. "My life is a mess, doctor," she began. "I am so ugly that no one will associate with me, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?"

"Why, certainly! Helping people feel better about themselves is my area of expertise. I can start making you feel more confident about your appearance right here and now."

"Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?" she asked.

"First, just walk over to the other side of the room and lie face down on my couch."

A guy desperately needs to make some money and he sees an ad for a toothbrush salesman in the local paper. "well it can't be that hard" he says to himself. He calls the number on the ad and is asked in for an interveiw which he passes and is given the job.
On his first day he goes to one of the posher neighbourhoods thinking that he will make more money but after a hard 6 hours he has only made £15.
The next day he tries again and only makes £17. so he decides to have a word with his employer."i've tried really hard" he says "but i just cant seem to make any money".
"well" says his boss "your going to have to come up with a gimmick or something to shift the toothbrushes". The man thinks about this and goes home. the next day he has a stall set up outside the train station with a few bowls and bags of doritos, and a sign that announces free chips and dip. A guy comes over and asks "is this right free chips and dip" "yes" replies the salesman "help yourself". The man does but immediately spits it out and says "urgh that tastes like sh*t". "yeah it is" replies the salesman "u wanna buy a toothbrush"

A particularly stupid man and his wife were lying in bed one night when their neighbours new dog started barking. this continued all night and caused them to have no sleep. for a week this went on until on the eigth night the man jumped out of bed and marched outside. in 5 minutes he was back and was giggling as he got into bed " what did you do?" asked his wife.
"well" he replied "i've put the dog in our garden lets see how they like it"!!!

I was watching Carol Vorderman the other day and I got horny... 5 letters, not bad.

a girl fell asleep in a park in israel and woke up with a heavy dew on her

Here's a joke in which you can subsitute friends' names:

Me, you and John Prescott die together in a car crash and get sent straight to Hell. After desparate pleas to the Devil, he agrees to give us our prematurely ended lives back if we 'do it' with the ugliest person we can find.

So after a frantic search I find a sweaty, hairy, toothless crone, do the deed and get granted my freedom. After your own frantic search, you too find a sweaty, hairy, hunch-backed crone to do the deed with and earn your freedom.

Looking down into Hell we see Prescott getting his jollies with Pamela Anderson. We go and complain to the Devil at the sheer unfairness, to which he replies, "It's ok, Pam wants to get out too!"

A boating lake attendant calls to a boat through his megaphone:

'Come in Number 9, your time is up.'

He pauses, then calls again:

'Number 6, are you in trouble?'

MAN 1: I say, I say, I say: my wife has no nose.

MAN 2: How does she smell?

MAN 1: That's the least of her problems.

MAN 1: I say, I say, I say: my dog has no nose.

MAN 2: How does he smell?

MAN 1: He doesn't - I just told you, he doesn't have a nose.
Aren't you listening to me...?

A man walks into a bakery and asks the baker for a loaf of bread. The baker says: "Certainly sir: brown or white?" The man replies: "Either will do, I've got my bike outside."

Wouldn't you declare war on any country that offered your ambassador "Ferrero Rocher"? Especially if it was Belgium!?

A rider brings his horse into a blacksmith and asks him: "How much to shoe my horse?" The blacksmith looks at him and the horse and says: "Five pounds" The rider thinks that is incredibly reasonable and gives him the money. The smithy walks up to the horse and shouts: "Shoo! Go away!"

its a world cup one with the english team lol
its the final (i kno its a joke in itsekf that england got that far lol) and england are playin brazil
ronaldinho says to the brazilian team i want to play this match by myself u guys go and have fun for 90mins i will play the whole england team by myself, so the brazil team agrees and goes.
when they return after the match they find ronaldinho sitting in the corner of the changing room with his head in his hands
they ask him how he got on and he says "they won 1 nil"
the rest of the team congratulate him and say thats brillian a hwole 90mins and only one goal and ronaldhino says no its not and the brazil team asks why? and he says I GOT SENT OFF ON THE 20TH MINUTE!!!

haha i found this quite funny, and most likely would be true lol

During the cold war, the Head of the KGB is briefing Boris (their top agent): "You will fly to Britain; take a train to Cardiff in Wales; and look for our local agent: Mr Jones. When you think you have identified him, say to him: 'The Great Bear embraces the Red Dragon!' He will reply: 'Leningrad for the Eisteddfod!' This phrase will confirm your identities to each other."

Boris arrives at Cardiff station and asks the first porter he meets where Mr Jones can be found. The porter laughs: "Well, boyo, that's a bit difficult, look you: Jones is a very common name here: down the High Street there's: Jones the Chemist; Jones the Builder; Jones the Butcher...the Station Master's name is Jones - even I am called Jones!" Boris thinks for a moment, then leans forward conspiratorially: "The Great Bear embraces the Red Dragon!" The porter smiles with realisation: "Oh, it's Jones the Spy you'll be wanting,boy!"

This actually happened. One day, two Jewish friends of mine came to our flat (mid-evening), taking a break from the indoor concert they were attending - it was also mid-summer - and one said: "It's like an oven in there." The other added: "You think we'd be used to that by now, wouldn't you?"

Doesn't not knowing what 'necrotizing fasciitis' is just eat away at you?

Nursery Rhymes:

"As I was going up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there;
He wasn't there again today,
I think they're going to take me away."

"Baa-baa black sheep, have you any wool?"
"Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full!"
"Hey look, guys - a talking sheep!"

One for Quentin Tarantino:

"Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them die;
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgy blew them away."