Yes, I know it’s already been done to death, but I’m going to do it to death again!
Dear Agony Frankie, I’ve had a one-night stand and think I’ve picked up an STI. Should I tell my boyfriend? Rita, Plaistow
Dear Reet, Who cares, slag. Love, Frankie xxx
Dear Agony Frankie, I think my boyfriend is having an affair with my best mate. I know her number is in his phone and he’s become very secretive about his texting lately. Should I look in his sent box to know for sure? Bev, Chiswick
Dear Bev, Who cares, slag. Love, Frankie xxx
Dear Agony Frankie, I’m a 14 year-old boy with a crush on my Gym Master, Mr Jefferies. I just can’t stop day-dreaming about him and can’t sleep at night as I’m constantly masturbating while I think about him doing things to me. What shall I do, I can’t go on like this. Jamie, Fulham
Dear Jamie, OK, understandable. The best thing would be to castrate yourself. Hold it, not yet. You need to do it inside the Accident & Emergency Department of your local hospital. That’s because once you cut it off there’ll be a lot of blood (believe me, I know…) and you’ll need medical treatment quite urgently. Anyway, do it and let me know how you get on. Afterwards, you may still have fantasies about your Gym Master, but you definitely won’t be jacking off all night. Love, Frankie xxx
Fx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear Agony Frankie, I am a male gym teacher and I am worried abut one of my pupils. Everytime he looks at me, he walks in a funny way. Also, do 14 yr old boys have periods?
dear agony frankie, Im a doctor in the local A&E and ive noticed an 800% rise in self castrations in the past 3 months will you please just keep it shut in the future!
I have been a Gym teacher for many years in a Boys' school. We used to have fizzy drinks machines outside the male changing rooms. Since your agony column began, I notice that these have been taken away and replaced with Self Mutilation Kits and packets of Tena Lady. Yours sincerely, Mr. Jeffries
Dear Agony Frankie, I'm an Hermaphrodite (got one of each type of tackle). I don't know if I'm a boy, a girl, lesbian or homosexual, bisexual, asexual... normal even...what d'you reckon, Frankie? Hermie, (no fixed abode - ex-certain coastal resort that can't be named...)
Dear Hermie, Mmm, got to be careful here... don't want to cause offence to any one or thing... I know, I'll pass you over to ITV's "Dear Hillie" Love, Frankie xxx
P.S. bring on the Turkeys!!!
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear Agony Frankie, We just read your T shirt slogan stating that "The only fashion is young and skinny". But we are old fatties and we want to be trendy too, is there any hope for us? Brenda and Barry, Rhonda Valley (or was that Sheerness - couldn't decipher post mark...)
Dear Bren and Baz, No, there's no hope whatsoever. If you were old and skinny you could at least be "young at heart" like me. But you're fatties as well? Why are you even writing to me? Get outta here! Love, Frankie xxx
Fx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Originally posted by brian the can: Dear Agony Frankie.
I have been a Gym teacher for many years in a Boys' school. We used to have fizzy drinks machines outside the male changing rooms. Since your agony column began, I notice that these have been taken away and replaced with Self Mutilation Kits and packets of Tena Lady. Yours sincerely, Mr. Jeffries
Dear Sir, Mmm, are you looking for a cut of the action? I do happen to have photographic evidence of some of your "extra-curricular activities" (forged, of course) but mud sticks, Mr Jeffries!!! Love, Frankie xxx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Originally posted by cosmos100: dear agony frankie, Im a doctor in the local A&E and ive noticed an 800% rise in self castrations in the past 3 months will you please just keep it shut in the future!
dear doctor, who cares, slag love frankie xxx
Thanks cosmos100 - you responded for me whilst I was busy and you managed to recreate the essence of my caring attitude!
Thanks again...
Fx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear Frankie, over the last two weeks your face appears to have turned from a floral shade of violet to a Hulk-like shade of green...are you feeling alright?
The strangest thing happened to me last night. Whilst in bed I broke wind and a small, slimy log type thing issued from my back passage. I asked my mother what had happened and she said I had 'followed through'. I have looked on the internet for this phenomenon only to be left in the dark. I still haven't found out what this is and now a strange smell is following me around, the 'log' in my trousers has now hardened after 15 hours and it has started to hurt whenever I sit down! Please Help! Yours Uncomfortably Mr Ida Plop, Lewisham, France
Originally posted by chris n.: Dear Frankie, over the last two weeks your face appears to have turned from a floral shade of violet to a Hulk-like shade of green...are you feeling alright?
Yours, Chris.
Dear Chris, Well, Chris, thanks for your concern about old Frankie. Just to let all my readers know the reality behind this change of face. I recently looked in the mirror in my hovel (after wiping it over with my sleeve, the whole hovel that is) and I realised that the original purpleness of the old Frankie chops was in reality more green than purple these days, and so in the pursuit of comedy truth... I've gone green at the Avatar level too.
This is not to be interpreted as green in the "lets save the planet" green, of course, as clearly the planet's not worth saving but more a gangrene type green. You'll be relieved to know that I'm still tossing my old glass HP Sauce bottles into the skip marked "Plastics Only" and grinning lopsidedly as I do it in the most offensive non-PC manner I can!
So not that much has changed... Love, Frankie xxx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Originally posted by Chorlton: Dear Agony Frankie,
The strangest thing happened to me last night. Whilst in bed I broke wind and a small, slimy log type thing issued from my back passage. I asked my mother what had happened and she said I had 'followed through'. I have looked on the internet for this phenomenon only to be left in the dark. I still haven't found out what this is and now a strange smell is following me around, the 'log' in my trousers has now hardened after 15 hours and it has started to hurt whenever I sit down! Please Help! Yours Uncomfortably Mr Ida Plop, Lewisham, France
Dear Ide, OK, so you've got to make a little sacrifice for your country here. Just so you know, there seems to be what my Mom used to call a 'little soldier' in your trousers. Named thus as he gets 'harder' the longer he 'trains' in your under-panties. If you look closely you'll see first his Corporal and then his Sergeant's stripes registered on your under garments and then at some point after that, sure enough, he'll be marching off down your trouser leg to 'fight for his country'. When he does appear out of the bottom of your trousers, please do give him a salute via your bum trumpet, as he's trained long and hard for his chance of glory. He does deserve your support as he has sprung from your loins, after all. Be brave and well done, Love, Frankie xxx P.S. I've provided a whole batallion over the years!
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Originally posted by Chorlton: Dear Agony Frankie,
The strangest thing happened to me last night. Whilst in bed I broke wind and a small, slimy log type thing issued from my back passage. I asked my mother what had happened and she said I had 'followed through'. I have looked on the internet for this phenomenon only to be left in the dark. I still haven't found out what this is and now a strange smell is following me around, the 'log' in my trousers has now hardened after 15 hours and it has started to hurt whenever I sit down! Please Help! Yours Uncomfortably Mr Ida Plop, Lewisham, France
Follow through is a snooker term. Is your name Gwynn Fropp? (SEE knock knock jokes) Next time you're passing wind, say Hi from me
Dear Agony Frankie, I am very disappointed in my boyfriend. He keeps saying that he'd die for me but never does. What do you think I should do about it? Sincerely, Naomi, Basingstoke
Dear Naomi, It's awful when people are so selfish. One of my rich old ladies is similar. She said she will love me 'til the day she dies and then got really shirty when I asked her when that would be. Anyway, as for what you should do about your selfish boyfriend, who cares, slag? Love, Frankie xxx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear Agony Frankie, The doctor of one of MY old ladies told her that she only had one week to live. I told her not to worry as it would soon pass.Can you suggest any more soothing words?
Originally posted by brian the can: Dear Agony Frankie, The doctor of one of MY old ladies told her that she only had one week to live. I told her not to worry as it would soon pass.Can you suggest any more soothing words?
Jacob
Dear Jake, You could try "there, there...just sign here to transfer all your assets over to me before you peg it, dear..." Appart from that, I'm not sure... what does soothing mean? Love, Frankie xxx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear agony frankie, My son recently watched the new borat movie and is very impressionable and now has little to know respect for women plus he wont stop asking for horse meat! thanks kath
dear kath, Yes this sounds like a big problem you have to tell your son that this is'nt real and its just a movie and that horse meat isnt easy to find in england try france!
dear kath, Yes this sounds like a big problem you have to tell your son that this is'nt real and its just a movie and that horse meat isnt easy to find in england try france!
love frankie's aid xxxx[/QUOTE] ....................................
Dear Agony Frankie, I have a problem, with which your contacts may be able to assist. My brother is an ace computer hacker..He has hacked into the 4laughs website and as a prank he has reduced my comedy ladder points by a factor of 30. Could you please contact the team and ask them to restore my rightful total.
Best wishes, he was still alive and scoring goals. Jacob
Dear Jacob And it was begot that the poor man pays for all and even the few points thy has will now be taken away from thee and given to him that deserveth most, i.e. Sir Frankie Rage... Hey ho! Love, Frankie xxx No. 5 on the Comedy Bladder
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
Dear Agony Frankie, I'm quite a successful stand up and I've been sending scripts to that new low-budget Production Company Junk Males and do you know what, they've been nicking my ideas and are now saying that they've written 'em. Cor, what should I do? Russell Brand
Russ, Get real mate, why would they nick your bottom output? Get a life mate! Frankie xxx
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Christmas...
bring on the Turkeys!!!
