In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Our last fight was my fault:
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

pmsl

A man takes his cross-eyed dog to the vet. The vet picks him up and examines him for a while and the vet says "I'm going to have to put this dog down." "What? Because he is cross-eyed?" No, because he is getting heavy."

Shamus was getting irate and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Q: How did they know that Vic Morrow had dandruff?
A: They found his head and shoulders in the bushes

A mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant are being interviewed for a job. The employer asks each one a simple question: "What does 2 + 2 = ?"
The mathematician has no doubts: "Four: absolutely and categorically!"
The statistician replies: "Taking into account seasonal variations, adjustments for standard deviation, and probability: between 3 and 5 - on average."
The accountant rises from his chair, locks the door, pulls down the blind, and huddles close to the employer and whispers: "What do you want it to equal?"

lol

A young man just manages to leap onto a train which is moving out of the station. As he collpases in near-exhaustion into a seat in the compartment, an older female passenger remarks to him: "Really, young man, a person of your age shouldn't be that tired and out of breath simply running after a train!" The young man smiles wanly, and after catching a few breaths replies: "Perhaps...but I've been chasing it since the last station."

procrastination........ A report later.

How do you stop a Dog Shagging your leg???


Pick it up and suck it off

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in Liverpool and said,
"I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "well fookin force yourself"

Why did the women cross he road?
thats not the point, what was she doing out the kitchen in the first place!

Why did god invent gay men?
So fat girls coyuld have friends

A little boy and his father are walking through the park one day, when they come upon a dead bird laying on its back with its feet in the air. The boy asks his dad what has happened, and his dad replies
"The bird knew he was going to die, so he lays like that and says Oh God I'm Coming, just before he dies, so that he can go to heaven"
The boy looks scared and then says:
"Dad! Mum nearly died last week and she would have gone to heaven if it hadn't been for that nice postman holding her down"

What do you do if a Rotweiller starts sh*gging your leg? Let him finish

Guess my last naff joke finished this thread

LOSERS