Went to the zoo and saw a fella chatting up a cheetah.
I thought he's trying to pull a fast one!

I went to the gym and asked them if they could teach me to do the splits. They asked how flexible I was.
I said I can't do Wednesdays.

What do you call a gangster who pulls up the back of your trousers?
Wedgie Kray

Went for a game of darts with a mate. He said nearest to the bull starts. I said Baa. he said moo. he said , Your're closest.

Went back to the supermarket and to complain that the bottle of vinegar had lumps in it. Turns out they were pickled onions.

I won a competition whilst I was there. I won a year's supply of Marmite. One jar.

I rang telecom to report a nuisance caller. He said, 'Not you again'

My friend has fallen in love with two bags at school. I think he's bisatchel.
A truck load of tortoises crashed into a truck load of terrapins . The spokesman said it was a turtle disaster.