Ok, here goes...

A guy is sitting at home watching the news and a live update catches his eye. He reaches for his mobile and dials his mates number. "Hey mate, i've just seen somefink on telly!"
"oh yeah?!" says his mate.(Driving)
"Yeah, this loony is driving on the wrong side of the motorway and is causing complete mayhem!"
" Well I don't know what you're talking about mate, there's 'undreds of cars driving in the oppisite direction on the motorway!" ("GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU IDIOT!")

LOL

Thats a good one

Another driving joke here.

You're in a car driving along and to the left of you is a valley. In front of you is a pig, the same size as your car going along at the same speed. To the right of you is a fire engine, the same size as your car going along at the same speed. Behind you is a helicopter, the same size as your car going along at the same speed flying at ground level. You are completely surrounded. How do you get out?

Your best mate pulls you off the kiddies round-a-bout cos you're drunk!

quote:

Originally posted by ~Ella~:
Another driving joke here.

You're in a car driving along and to the left of you is a valley. In front of you is a pig, the same size as your car going along at the same speed. To the right of you is a fire engine, the same size as your car going along at the same speed. Behind you is a helicopter, the same size as your car going along at the same speed flying at ground level. You are completely surrounded. How do you get out?

Your best mate pulls you off the kiddies round-a-bout cos you're drunk!

Like it!!

quote:

Originally posted by ~Ella~:


Your best mate pulls you off the kiddies round-a-bout cos you're drunk!

That didn't happen to me

What you mean they left you on there drunk?? Charming!!

quote:

Originally posted by Littley:
What you mean they left you on there drunk?? Charming!!

They didn't leave me on there, they found me on there!

Ooh you naughty girl!!!

Me?!

Heh heh! I think you're a little devil!!

I've got another joke here which should teach anybody a lesson in any situation

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Johnny followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself, he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane . . . ."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny this is such an interesting story suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight".

At the dinner table Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Moumy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army".

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

He he he. Excellent!

Now for some seriousness.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

High fever

Congestion

Nausea

Fatigue

Aching in the joints

An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield.

Ella xx

#34 of the Paul O'Grady fan club!

#7 of the Buster fan club

#10 of the Olga fan club

#6 of the Louie fan club

Friends are the family you can choose!

I was driving down the motorway on Monday and my boss rang me on my mobile and said "You've been promoted to Office manager." At this news I wobbled the steering wheel, but steered straight again.

On Tuesday he rang and told me I had been promoted to Senior Office Manager. Again I wobbled the steering wheel but recovered.

On Wednesday he rang again to tell me I had been promoted to Managing Director. Hearing this news I lost control of the car and crashed into a ditch at the side of the motorway.

When I recovered consciousness there was a policeman tapping on the window.

"Hello, hello hello, what's happened here?" said plod.

"I'm sorry Officer," I replied, "I careered off the road"

A man asked his blonde girlfriend to lean out of the car window to see if his nearside indicator was working. She leaned out and said,
"Yes...no.....yes....no....yes....no...."

lol