3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie. The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
hehehe
------------------------------ (L) Lost&Desperate housewives Hell even Locke hit you one.. thats' like getting Ghandi to beat his kids! Desmond can be my constant anyday! Scottish if you havent noticed ^.^
Man walks into a bar in Scotland and orders a pint. Barman pulls him one and says "That will be 50p please". Man says "Wow, that's really cheap". He starts drinking and has a look around the bar. No one else is drinking. He is rather curious. He says to the barman "How come no one else is drinking?" Barman says "They're waiting for happy hour".
Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the tolet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.
So he says; "What's all this about?"
She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".
To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up." She replies!
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Two irishmen are sat in a bar with a long mirror along one wall. One starts getting disgruntled. The other one says 'whats wrong, Paddy?' Paddy replies 'If that fella over there keeps starin' at me I'm gonna smash him in the face'. He starts to stand, aggressively, at which his mate pulls him back - 'Sit down, you daft fool- he's now standing up to buy you a drink'.
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in deepest darkest Glasgow sat Hughie, a huge bear of a man. A man of few words, Hughie was a typical weegie. He was having a dozen or two pints of heavy, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to Hughie. Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, Hughie leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the holy shit out of the gay man. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the boozer, before chucking him bruised and battered into the gutter. He then returned quietly to his seat.
Amazed, the barman quickly brought over another pint for Hughie and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," Hughie replied. "Something about a job."
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers bar, drinking beer. Tam turns to Shuie and says, "You know, I'm tired of goin' through life withoot an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."
Shuie thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.
"Logic?" Tam says. "Fit's that?"
The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"
"Aye"
"Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden."
"That's true, I dae huv a Garden."
"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house." "Aye, I do have a hoose." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a femily." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Aye, I dae have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a strimmer." Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub.
He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.
"Logic?" Shuie says, "Fit's that?"
Tam says, "I'll show you. Do you have a strimmer?"
"No."
"Then you're a poof."
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again. "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!" Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
A wedding occurred just outside Govan in Glasgow. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm
with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
The court room goes silent and Ronny (the best man) stands up and says "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened".
The Judge agrees and asks Ronny to take the stand. Ronny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Govan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says "OK".
"Well", said Ronny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs". Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"HURT!", Ronny replies "He broke three of my fingers
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
seriously...You are from Moray Firth (Cullen?) something about your pigeons pecking gran (poor gran!) and you were working today and you're pretty tired
Originally posted by jimjamstew: seriously...You are from Moray Firth (Cullen?) something about your pigeons pecking gran (poor gran!) and you were working today and you're pretty tired
is that the gist?
Spot on ma loon, Skink rules.
I'm not from Cullen but if the wind is in the right direction I can smell it. the gran, means grand. We loss a lot of d's in this area. as for the Moray firth, twa spianges an i'd be in it.
Noo, fit wid he like for his Christmas, the loon? Fit aboot a pair o’ fitba beets? Beets. Beets. B-O-O-T-S, beets. Weel, I ken that, but he’ll surely grow intae them. Weel I’ll tell ye fit I’ve got. It’s something very suitable. It’s oor ain special line in soft toys, and it is a cuddly futret. A futret. Div ye nae ken fit a futret is? Futret. F-E-R-R-E-T, futret. Now, cuddly futrets is exclusive tae the Toy Shop, Ballater. We get them specially made up by a wee wifie, in Hong Kong. Oh, an’ fit a job I hid explainin’ tae her fit a futret is. Ye wid like a futret? Oh we’ll fairly manage ye a futret. Noo fit size o’ a futret wid ye like? We’ve got a dinkie futret, a mini futret, a life-size futret, a jumbo futret or a mega-futret. Ye’d like a jumbo futret? No, it disnae hae a trunk. No, it’s got a string that ye pull, an’ it sings Run, Rabbit, Run. Weel, fit else div ye expect a futret tae sing? Now is there onythin’ else the loon wid like? Fit aboot a rubber duke...for his bath? A duke. No, no, nae that kinda Duke. D-U-C-K, duke. A quack quack duke. Like Donald Duke. Donald Duke. He’s a freen’ o’ Mickey Moose...Moose...M-O-U-S-E, Moose! God, div ye nae understan’ English, lassie?
Excerpts Taken from Scotland the what?
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Scotland the what, top comedy, pity it doesn't travel. The phone conversations with the queen, brilliant. my favorite is the "Auchnagatt bring and buy" just thinking about it makes me laugh. Nice one Torrycoo. So, jimjamstew far are you fae?
It's rather embarrassing...ma folks are fae Glasgow and Auld Reekie, however, I myself, was born in London and raised in Yorkshire.
I was the first in a rather long line of scots to be born south of the border, a fact that they all delight in rubbing my nose in whenever I visit. I just say to them "Oh what a gift fer God tae gie us, to see worselves as others see us!"
Wor Wor the tattie howkers...an' aw that, an' aw that, aye an' aw that...
Originally posted by Missyme25: scotland the what!! Top class comedy! I have agree. Being a fello scot i can comprehend the fact that it doesnt travel tho!!
Oh I dunno, your man Rolf Harris did well for himself!
Spare a thought this year, and remember: JUNKMALES aren't just for Ch
