let me hear your doctor jokes .

here's one I've just made,

Me : Doctor , I'm think Ive got Imsomnia.

Doctor : Before we make any decisions I suggest you sleep on it.

"Doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum"
"how's that-"
"don't you start!"

"Doctor I think I need glasses"
"Why?"
"I've got nothing to put my drinks in"

"Doctor I keep dreaming I'm either a Big Top or a Wigwam"
"You're two tents"

"Doctor, Every time I break wind it sounds like a Japanese car"
"you must have an abcess"
"How do you know?"
"Abcess makes the fart go Honda"

"Mrs Smith, I'm afraid you've got Tom Jones disease"
"I've never heard of that doctor, is it common?"
"It's not unusual"

"Doctor, does your dog bite?"
"I'm terribly sorry but you seem to be in the wrong joke"

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bar of soap.
Thats Lifebuoy.

Doctor, doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck up my bum.
Bend over and I'll put some cream on in.

Doctor doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together, man.

Doctor doctor, I've got 59 seconds to live.
Hang on a minute.

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a goat.
How long have you felt like this?
Ever since I was a kid.

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a bridge.
Whatever's come over you?
3 cars and a lorry.

Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm an onion.
My my, you're in a pickle!

Doctor doctor, my family think I'm mad.
Whatever for?
I like sausages.
So? I like them too.
Really? You must come and see my collection I've got thousands!

Doctor: It's not serious, it's just a wart.
Patient: I want a 2nd opinion.
Doctor: Ok, you're ugly too.

Doctor; I can't get to sleep.

Well lay on the edge of the bed and you might drop off.

Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Well lay down and don't stir.

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a jelly in one ear and a blancmange in the other. The doctor says: "Do you know you have a jelly in one ear and a blancmange in the other?" The man says: "I'm sorry, doctor, you'll have to speak up - I've got a jelly in one ear and a blancmange in the other!" [Heard it already?]

Doctor, doctor, I've got five willies!
How do your pants fit?
Like a glove!

Doctor: Remove your trousers, please.
Patient: I have!
Doctor: In that case, your legs need ironing!

A woman was feeling very depressed, so she went to see her doctor.
He asked, "Do you wake up grumpy in the morning?"
"No I don't", she replied, "I let the old bugger sleep on".

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a dog.
How long have you thought that?
Ever since I was a puppy.
I see. Well, you'd better sit on the couch.
I'm not allowed on the couch.

Receptionist: Doctor, the Invisible Man's here.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now.

Man: My name's Steve, this is my 1st time at A.A. and I'm an alcoholic!
Dr: This isn't A.A.
Man: You're probably right, I'm so drunk I don't know where I am!

That's just got my morning off to a giggle.

A few there I hadn't heard before.

As the receptionist said to the queue at the sperm donor clinic.
Keep em coming.

patient - doctor!, do i have HIV?

doctor - no

patient - oh thank god (great relief)

doctor - you have aids.

5 second sketch there

Man goes into doctors

Doctor doctor

I find myself constatly crashing the car,nagging everybody and watching soaps!!

Doctor

You have Bird Flu

So this dyslexic agnostic insomniac goes to the doctor because he can't sleep worrying about whether there's a dog.......

Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me.

Next please.

Manoctor, doctor..have you got anything for premature ejaculation?
Doctor: I'll just check....
Man: Too late

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a knife.
Don't get so cut up about it!

Doctor, I think my husband's turning into a donkey.
Hee haw hee haw hee haw-t to be alright!

Doctor Doctor
I had this illusion where people were knocking on doors and saying strange things. Then I was in a pub with lots of Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen.

That sounds like a case of the 1927 Old Joke Virus. Its very infectious.

You cannot be serious.

Oh yes I can

Oh no you cant

Patient : Doctor doctor - I suffer from premature ejaculation
Doctor: Come again?

Doctor doctor - I was involved in accidents with three locomotives last week.
What's wrong with me?
Looks like Repetitive Train Injury.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac...

Doctor, look at my swollen ankle.
No, that's a knee Mick.

Patient: Doctor, my friends and family think I'm strange because I like sausages.
Doctor: There is nothing wrong with liking sausages, I like sausages.
Patient: Really, would you like to see my collection.