quote:

Originally posted by lilstarr:
thats ment to say.. lmao thats good is the last line part of the joke? the car thing?

No Lil, thats just me sig!

just got barred from B&Q.
i went in and somebody in a orange apron asked me if i wanted decking, luckily i got the first punch.

JOKE: two rats in a sewer - one says iam bloody sick off this.
S H I T for breakfast, S H I T for lunch &
S H I T for tea.
the other rat says cheer up, we'll go on the PI SS
later!!!

MEN = opause.
MEN = strul pain.
MEN = tal illness.
GUY = necologist.
HIS = terectomy..........
ever noticed that all womens problems start with men???

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

This young lady, a flighty young thing, got a job cleaning the bank windows
in the evening after the bank closed for business. Anyway, she was up this
ladder, cleaning good and proper and as she was in the habit of wearing no
knickers, every young man who would come along would stop and stare for a
second or two. But this evening an old geezer came along and stayed
looking.
"What are you looking at" she said.
"I'm looking at the moon" he said.
"Well, if you were here last night, you would have seen a man in it" she
said.

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and
read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day, John
suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. David jumped in
and saved him, and the medical director came to know of his heroic act.
He immediately order David to be discharged from the mental hospital as
he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The good news is
that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses,
since you are able to jump in and save another patient you are now a
normal person. The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where
apparently three blondes have leaped to their death
from a very tall building... he suddenly notices that
one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks:
"why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out
of that building?"
The blond answers in a very weak voice: "we wanted to
try out our new maxi-pads with wings"...

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church... Haven't seen one back since!"

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner
wearing a neck brace.
He sat down and asked his mate what happened.
"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his
friend.
"Then I met a chick who was looking for her ball too. Finding mine, I
thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that
every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went
over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball. I
called out to the chick and said, 'Lady, does this look like yours?' And
the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

A lawyer returns to his parked car to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Porsche. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

he he he there funny

quote:

Originally posted by depth charge:
A lawyer returns to his parked car to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Porsche. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

thats hilarious ha!... i like the 1 about the 3 blondes aswel thats funny and the dads ashes

quote:

Originally posted by depth charge:
A lawyer returns to his parked car to find the headlights broken and
his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle,
but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield
wiper. The lawyer picks up the note.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Porsche. The witnesses who saw the
accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving
my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

thats hilarious ha!... i like the 1 about the 3 blondes aswel thats funny and the dads ashes

Lilstarr..heres another one for ya

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.While the man is having his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

With all the recent talk of cloning, you'd think it was a new thing.
But in fact, a very wealthy westerner had himself cloned many years ago.
The boy grew up to have very foul mouth. The more the son swore, the\
madder the father got.
One day, the father got so mad he pushed his son off a high cliff.
The sheriff arrested him for making an obscene clone fall.