When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs,
aren't you?"

the seven dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each
other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
go along."
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,
where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
the canal."

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into boots
and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.
When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks
quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took
five or six pills at once you might."

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Q. Whats a mixed feeling?
A. when you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q, whats the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?

A, A guy will actully search for a golf ball!!

Q. Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A. 45 minutes

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were
skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or
velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death."

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble
task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

I cannot really say my jokes as they are racist an i dont want to offend people or get myself suspended off the forum haha

quote:

Originally posted by Alexjohn!:
I cannot really say my jokes as they are racist an i dont want to offend people or get myself suspended off the forum haha

Same here lol, mine are either racist or really rude

Hahahaha Lovin this thread!

x

quote:

Originally posted by Lil_Miss_Naughty:

quote:

Originally posted by Alexjohn!:
I cannot really say my jokes as they are racist an i dont want to offend people or get myself suspended off the forum haha

Same here lol, mine are either racist or really rude

Yeah.. i have a few rude jokes aswell!!

Knock Knock....

who's there?