quote:

Originally posted by ~ Temps ~:


I giggled all the way through

quote:

Originally posted by chrisatbrid:
pmsl you fool , hope you are ok now

quote:

Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
hopefully it'll make a few more smile too.

_{Exercising Squatters Rights in the A-Team thread
Toots my Smutking and forum betrothed
I like to drink Bovril at bedtime}

quote:

Originally posted by ~ Temps ~:

quote:

Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
hopefully it'll make a few more smile too.

looks that way

quote:

Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:
another of those text files dragged off an old hdd, found on the net around 3-4 years ago.



My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch
this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near
future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.

For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun
gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you
flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,
whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing!

I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee .. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said
that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss
of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea
of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on withher head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so
obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.

(Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .........

HOLY **************!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of
that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel
compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by ! a violent thrashing about on the floor.

Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh (like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A
minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

How did they get there???

My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy,
and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.


END


hope you enjoyed it

quote:

Originally posted by sadbeeach:

OMG that was sooo funny thanx for sharing hun xxhope u find ur b*lls lol

quote:

Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:

quote:

Originally posted by sadbeeach:

OMG that was sooo funny thanx for sharing hun xxhope u find ur b*lls lol

mine are just fine, dunno about the guy who wrote that though, glad you enjoyed it though, since you did you might want to check out "one for the ladies" thread as thats got another with a diferent subject matter

_{Exercising Squatters Rights in the A-Team thread
Toots my Smutking and forum betrothed
I like to drink Bovril at bedtime}

quote:

Originally posted by ~ Temps ~:

quote:

Originally posted by Big Brothers Big Scam:

quote:

Originally posted by sadbeeach:

OMG that was sooo funny thanx for sharing hun xxhope u find ur b*lls lol

mine are just fine, dunno about the guy who wrote that though, glad you enjoyed it though, since you did you might want to check out "one for the ladies" thread as thats got another with a diferent subject matter

I'm laughing so much at folk thinking it's you