LilBigMouth - thanks for posting back....it was very interesting. I guess we all have to do what we think is best for our child/ren.....constant love and re-assurance is what is important. My eldest daughter knows that she can come to me anytime.....I just hope that she will as I hope that my youngest will also.

I was feeling very bad, I have to admit over the last few days about some of the comments and I really have started to question whether what I did was right or not....however I feel that I am a good mother and am trying my very best to bring up my children the best way I can.....everyone has different methods/ways but fundamentally love, warmth, affection and plenty of cuddles are what I want to be able to give my children......I just hope when they are older they have not got 'issues' with being able to show their emotions......the CC method which I used and only used for three nights has never been used again....if my baby cries, night or day, then I am there. Some have said that by using this method that I have shown her that her needs are not important but I can assure you that that could not be further from the truth!

I think as parents we all make mistakes....the important thing is to learn from them.

XX

Karen,

I don't think anyone thinks you are a bad mother, a bad mother is someone who either doesn't care about thier children or who does things even though she knows they are not in the best interests of thier child. I know lots of loving, wonderful mothers who have employed COntrolled Crying or switched to formula (or not bf at all) becfor all kinds of reasons. None of them did these things becasue they didn't care about thier children, but because they believed them to be the best thing to do at the time and were assured that it was ok to do it. In many cases, these things were suggested by thier HV's or MW's etc, people that we are supposed to be able to trust to help us do what is right for our children.

The arguements that have raged on this (and every other parenting board) are about they way we are told by "experts" (in this case Claire Verity) that these are good ways of doing things. The problem is, they are not. They are not good ways of doing things, as LilBigMouth says, one of the things that controlled crying can teach a baby/child is that Mummy isn't interested in them when they are crying or sad, just when they are laughing and happy, so they "put on a happy face" for Mummy. All of this is theory, as in all honesty, we can never know what causes what and it is probably different to different people, it is all a balance of nature and nurture after all.

But one thing that is uniting most child psychologists etc at the moment is that controled crying, and other forms of neglect based "training" like rigid feeding routines are not good for babies long term emotional well-being. Another thing that is uniting child nutritionists etc is that formula is not a "choice" but should only be used as a last resort as it has serious, long term health implications, as does introducing solids before 6 months.

If you arm yourself with all the facts and give your children what they truely need, you may find that it is not easy or convenient for you at times, but this is what being a parent is all about, putting your children's needs before your own, and making sure they get the very best that you can give them. If you can say, with total honesty that this is what you have done then you have nothing to feel bad about.

I still stand by my signature.

*sigh* i wish i'd found it so easy to be perfect, but alas i'm not. life to me is made up of shades of grey. we're not all the same, we don't all have someone on hand to pass our babies to. i was very isolated, geographically and from my family, perhaps i should have thought about that and not had a child at all eh.
but she's here now and i'm glad to say she's bright as a button has a well rounded personality despite the 3 nights CC we did.

there are somethings people will never see eye to eye on karen, i know you love your baby and have done the most sensible thing you can in your situation with results that you and your family are happy with. don't stress hun

EclecticLeopard - thanks for that post. It really helps knowing that others have used the CC method.....like you I only had to do it for three nigths and am happy to report that my daughter too is bright as a button and a real wee character!

Hello Karen you have a time off it, You shouldn't feel guilty I brought up all 3 of children the same way as you even weaned them before 6 months it was the 90's afterall having 3 children in 5 years I don't think I would have survived having then with me 24/7, it just wouldn't have worked especially with the school and preschool runs, They are all 14,11 & nearly 9. I say we have a close relationship with all my children, I still hug my hulking great big (in height)14 year old,
Don't feel guilty enjoy your family. its your choice

Rozzie 38 - you are right!!

As the local shopping centre here says "Guilt free shopping"........I shall now adopt "guilt free parenting" as my moto!

XX

We have all made mistakes! None of us our quite up for the Perfect Mother of the Year award.. but I don't think that Continuum Mama and the others are trying to knock individual parenting styles.. this is more about people who pass themselves off as 'experts' and give out misinformation willy nilly and make out that it's perfectly fine to do so.

I did CC with my DS on the instruction of the Health Visitor and the GP. It 'worked' in that he slept through the night.. but I do wonder at what cost.

I don't feel guilty about it - I did what I thought was right based on the 'experts' I trusted.. However, now I am looking in to the studies about baby's brain development.. and to be honest.. I feel really angry that this information - scientific and peer reviewed is out there.. and there are STILL people like Claire Verity, Gina Ford et al not keeping up to date with the proper research.

We are all doing the very best we can in the light of the information we are given - so no, no one should feel guilty about something they have done in good faith.

You obviously have not read Gina Ford's, because if you have you will see that she advises babies should be feed every three hours, sooner if they are hungry for the first few months. She does not advocate controlled crying as a way of getting small babies into a routine.
She says that controlled crying should only be used with older babies who have developed a sleep problem. Even then on the advice of a doctor. I would suggest that if you wish to participate in a debate you should get your facts right. check out www.contentedbaby.com.
Gina Ford did not have to go on television to get her books to become a success, as I can testify along with lots of my friends who have successfully used her books.

Can I also add that research done in Romanian orphanges where long term neglect goes on, can hardly be compared to parents who choose to do a few nights of cc, to establish healthy sleep habits with older babies who are waking several times a night.

Franco..

Thanks for posting about the Contented Baby. I had a look at the site - I did try to read the book when my youngest was tiny, but I didn't get very far wit hit, LOL..

I had a look to see if any of her methods have been researched and scientifically peer reviewed - but I couldn't find anything?

I did find that the Continuum Concept theory has had quite a lot of research ploughed in to it - Margot Sunderland, Helen Ball et al have done a lot of research on the whole attachment theory and brain development.. but I couldn't see any thing backing up Gina's theories.

I had a look at Clare Byam Cook as well - I didn't realise she has had no training as a breastfeeding counsellor, nor does she hold any recognised qualifications in the field of lactation.

All I'm saying is, be very careful about training a baby to get in to a routine when you don't know what the after effects years down the line could be. That's all - I'm realy not out to attack any parents. :-|

Also, Franco - I take your point about her not advocating controlled crying from birth.. but that is not the impression I got from reading the book - just the first chapter or so - maybe she changes tack further on in the book - but I never read that far. LOL.

LilBigMouth,

Can you please quote from your copy of The New Contented Little Baby Book that Gina Ford recommends controlled crying for young babies. I have her very first issue from 1999 and her most recent issue, and in neither of these books does she advocate controlled crying for young babies. In fact she say's " she would be horrified if any of her babies cried for more than a total of ten minutes a day"

Forgive me - I got rid of the book very soon after borrowing it.. it really didn't appeal to me! I think it's the routine thing - your baby should do this or that at a suggested or appointed time.. the emphasis is on the routine, the goal is to have a baby that sleeps through the night. The temptation for a new mother (such as myself) is to help the baby fit in to the routine even if he cries. I couldn't see - but please correct me if I'm wrong, that if your baby goes down at 7 pm, and then cries at 7.02 pm, pick the baby up, cuddle it, love it and try to meet its needs. If the infant has an overwhelming biological need for touch -vertical aspect down to souls of feet, will this need be met by Ford's routine?

I am interested - I admit freely to not having read the book in its entirety, and only glancing through the organisation part.. and the fact that you need a clock to do the routine by.

It's a relief that her babies don't ever cry for more than ten minutes a day - but all I can say is, when I tried it with my first, I remember pacing the floor for one, and then two and then five and then ten minutes listening to the crying, going in checking and walking away again.. perhaps I was doing it wrong?

What is her routine?

TIA! :-)

It's the philosophy that panders to the ultimate goal of 'contentment' and the definition of contentment is a baby that fits in a routine and sleeps when you want it to that I find disturbing...