Hi i have been directed here from another forum by the C4 people. hope you don't mind me joining in.
i am a mother of 2 teens the youngest is severly autistic. at the moment everything seems to be going wrong. he has lost some skills since his bcg, and as he is a teen but mentally about 3 i am finding it hard to cope with him and his moods which i completely understand.
my daughter is 14 and ok in the main, but due to my son at the moment i feel a bit neglectful of her. i try to spend as much time as i can but am totally exhausted most of the time.
My oh is currently looking after his sick parents and i see him couple times a week. i don't want to burden him with the way i am feeling.
i feel like a failure. like there isn't enough for anyone and doing a half assed job with everything.
does anyone else ever feel like this and how do i get through it.
sorry for the long post.

Awwww ST . I don't have any perals of wisdom, but it sounds like you are doing the best that you can so objectively there is no way you are failing anybody.

Do you have any friends or family living fairly near who could perhaps help out or at least be someone for you to talk to?

Can your daughter go to friend's houses- perhaps stay over sometimes?

I'll try to think of some more suggestions.

Have you tried sitting down with your daughter for a private chat to reassure her that you love her very much and share with her that you feel sad that it's not possible to spend more time with her at the moment? She will probably be very understanding.

Hi So Tired I won`t pretend to know what your going through but I can sympathise, my Sister has a 17 year old Daughter with dyspraxia, shes mentally the same age as your Son but still going through all the normal developement of a teen and she also has a Son due to start his final year at Secondary in September, shes always felt that she hasn`t given her Son as much attention as her Daughter and felt guilty for the help her Son gives with his Sister, she does over compensate for her Son which has back fired a few times as he is still a teenager who given an inch will take a mile but hes certainly never felt neglected, as I`m sure your Daughter doesn`t but what your feeling is natural, as a Mum who hasn`t got a special needs child, I always feel guilty for things I should and shouldn`t have done during the day with mine and it must be worse with all the added pressure your going through

I know you don`t want to burden your partner, although I`m sure he wouldn`t see it like that, so is there anyone else you could talk to? although you can always come in here, we can`t do alot but we can offer support but don`t take this the wrong way but maybe a visit to your Doctor for a chat, you sound absolutely knackered and he maybe able to advise you on a pick me up, just to give you some energy

Is there any after School clubs etc that your Son could go to? I know my Sister has to keep her Daughter very occupied to make life easier and happier for them all but she has had to find alot of them for herself, although the "College" her Daughter goes to are very helpful

I hope things soon look up for you

hi everyone and thanks for responding.
i had a chat to my feller last night cos he walked through the door took one look and said right now tell me what's going on. so i did and he says i should have told him before it got to this point. don't have any family support they are too busy trying to deny our "problem" except my sister who lives in the midlands, so phoned her too for a chat, and she has been great.
felt a lot better for the chat and the cry and even though there isn't much we can change at the moment it did make me feel better for sharing it. he was annoyed that i left it though.
my daughter said that she wasn't stupid or blind and was capable of washing pots and making a meal. i explained that i wanted her to have a childhood and she said that she does but washing up wouldn't scar her for life and i should learn to chill out. maybe she is right.
so not totally ok, but feeling a bit more positive, for now anyway, just everything seems to happen at once. like my OH said, my daughters attitude shows that i can't be a failure.
many thanks to you for putting up with my ramblings and if i can ever repay the favour.... i will try my best.

Hello, it is hard being a parent without having other complications on top of that. I struggle being a parent sometimes...i feel like handing in my notice sometimes...but...i have no choice. Don't get me wrong i love my family but they push you and test you all the time.

Sometimes i feel like a failure but thats due to lack of confidence in myself. But family and friends say i do a fantastic job!!?? I always look at other mothers and think they have everything in control...but when you actually talk to them they often feel the same. It is a testing time however old your children are or if they do have special needs.

Your daughter sounds amazing. Totally got her head screwed on! You are doing a great job with your children but you shouldn't let it all slip onto your own shoulders...thats what OH's are for!! Always give yourself time out too!! You will feel refreshed!!

Take care x

I`m so pleased you were able to chat to your partner SoTired, its almost as if he sensed something was going on and came back at the right time

From the sounds of your Daughter, shes a credit to you, so stop beating yourself up and yes chill a bit, easier said than done sometimes I know but maybe a girlie evening with a DVD and loads of rubbish food, just a break from the normal

quote:

I`m so pleased you were able to chat to your partner SoTired, its almost as if he sensed something was going on and came back at the right time

well he comes round on saturday and wednesdays to see kids. those are definite days and then anything else is a bonus.

think that when you are tired everything looks a lot bleaker and paranoia does creep up on me. once again thanks and it's nice to know i am not the only one.

quote:

Originally posted by so tired:

well he comes round on saturday and wednesdays to see kids. those are definite days and then anything else is a bonus.

think that when you are tired everything looks a lot bleaker and paranoia does creep up on me. once again thanks and it's nice to know i am not the only one.

Have a lovely day (Saturday) I hope it does you good, onwards and upwards

Hi St, you sound like you have a really full plate. I dont know if you would feel able to doit, but have you considered respite care? Its my understanding that anyone caring full time for family members is legally entitled to two weeks of respite care a year for that relative, in your case, that would be for 3 people.

It seems to me like you and your husband and daughter could really do with some quality time together where you guys can just relax and have fun without worrying about your son and your hubbies parents.

Have a look at THIS website for info. On that website there are also suggestions of who to contact, how to get respite, and specialist organisations where you can take your son on holiday (if you feel unable to leave him). I dont know how helpful this will be to you, but hun, you really sound like you need some you time and also some you n hubby time

Bestest wishes in the world for the future and ginormous hugs xxxx

Forgot to add, you are NOT a failure, you are doing a fantastic job Your daughter sounds absolutely amazing, and I bet you are very proud of her. Don't suppose you can have a word with my kids on how to get them to be more helpful around the place could you?

I used to be a youth and family worker a few years ago and the bit of advice I would give to parents in situations like yourself is REWARD YOURSELF. You do an amazing job and sometimes you get so bogged down by being mum,that you forget yourself.

Very easy for me to say but I am a parent myself and I forget who I am.

Yes take time out with your daughter, but do take time out for yourself. Who will look after number 1 if you dont.

Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself

How many times did I say Yourself........!!!!!!ha ha ha ha

hello, i have 3 children and my middle child whos 3 1/2 is just starting the tests to see where he is on the autisic spectrum. ive always known something was wrong and since he turned two alarm bells were ringing. so my health visitor got me a place in a special needs nursery that only takes 12 children, and at the moment hes doing so well and hes turned from a child who would barly look at me and with very little emotion to a happy child who is talking more and can comunicate with me, although we have never had a proper conversation. we have come along way since the headbutting too.

im pleased the right people are getting involved now and im pleased that hes making so much progress but at the same time im sickened - does that make sense?

ST,

You know me from the other place on C4, And of course HH!(ILH, is you, isn't it?)

I will leave you a PM with the link to the ASD forum I use, it has been a real support for me and my son on there, and there are loads of great people and practical support and advice.

Pearldaisy and Citrine are also there.

You're not alone.

we have 28 days a year respite, but the woman is always on holiday or busy when i need her, so trying to sort out an alternative. last big summer holiday i got 2 nights, which was ridiculous.
anyway thanks for the feedback.

and good luck becky.

ST honey if you ever need to chat you know where I am...
I have a child with learning difficulties that can be very tiring and a hubby with mental health issues so I can relate to how you feel.
Listen here though you are NOT a failure I feel like my 14 year old has had to grow up too quickly sometimes and I also have a 5 year old.
I found as hanky said it's good to sit down sometimes and just have a chat with your 14 year old. Just to let them know you appreciate them and care for them too. Good luck

Hi so tired....I'm the 'poorly' one in our house...and as you know have 3 boys 10 and under......I do everything at 50% but it's the best I can do and that just has to be enough....I have no choice.

I had to learn not to feel guilty years ago now...as long as we are doing the best we can with what life dealt us...then we have no reason to feel bad.

The funny thing is though my kids don't care that they have to be more independant than perhaps many others.....they know no different I suppose and for them it's just the way it is. I worry myself sick that they are missing out....but they don't give a flying fig!!!

I dunno if this helps to make you feel better in anyway...but I hope so.