Well I find it so

Well I'm not a step parent, but I am the child of a broken home and now have a stepfather who has three children from a previous marriage.

My mum and stepdad have been together for 11 years, but his ex-wife is still bitter, and therefore has told her children that when they come over to my mum's house that they aren't to speak to her.
The eldest one has never spoken to my mother, insisting that she has 'stolen' her dad, the middle one is a misanthropic little turd and the youngest will do whatever she is told.
It's very hard when they visit, they're never polite to my mother (or even my stepdad), creating a lot of tension over the weekends.

my boyfriend is step dad to my oldest son and it hard, hes only 5 but its really hard and causes many of arguement. but its both of them not just my son, i have to say that sometimes my son is more mature than my boyfriend

quote:

Originally posted by cloudybay:
Well I find it so

Well cloudybay I have been a step father to a now 20 soon to be 21 year old daughter and a now 18 year old son and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent 18 yrs in the Australian Army, have 2 girls of my own 20 and 18 and being a step parent is by far the hardest. As a matter of fact I came to this forum with the express purpose fo seeking help.

I have barely spoken a word to my stepdaughter for 4 years now since trying to discipline her for having sex in our bed (we caught her. My step daughter told me it has nothing to do with me, I have no rights in this house and no rights over her, my wife agreed and would not support me. My wife then said it would be no point in disciplining the children as I was not their father and she would not stand for it.

Monday of this week I found out my stepson made his girlfriend pregnant, I spoke to him as two men would offered him any help he required and he told me my advice is not required or needed as I am not his father. I spoke to his mother about this and she agreed.

So Cloudybay all families are different unfortunatly the on I have is let's say lacking.

ozinuk i find your partners attitude shocking, in a relationship involving kids everything needs to be united, if you are to live together as a family then you need to be able to participate in this family with advice and discipline if needed.
And CryingShaman i really hope that your stepfathers ex wife realises what she is doing to her children before it's to late, if it isn't already. Messing with kids minds, now that's what i would call child abuse.

In the beginning I found it very difficult because when I married my husband, my stepdaughter was 15 years. Hubby spent 9 months on the border (late 70's) and it was left up to me to buy the kid clothes. I was and still am living in Pretoria, and my stepdaughter, Esprance, was living in Cape Town.

I used to buy clothes at Woolworths (Marks and Spences in England) and posted it down to her with the necessary till slips in case she had to exchange any article.

In 1981 she came and stayed the year with us in Pretoria and it was a living hell. Somehow I just couldn't get through to the kid. Then she went back to Cape Town and in August 1983 we got a phone call saying how unhappy she was. Well, we decided to take her in again but made clear what the rules would be.

Later it came out that the only reason why she came up to Pretoria the second time, was due to the fact that she was pregnant and didn't want her mother to know (her mother was an alcoholic).

At that stage in my life I didn't know anything about raising a baby or a teenager and Esprance eventually went back to her mother taking the baby with her.

About 8 years ago I e-mailed Esprance to clear the air and ever since then we have become the biggest of friends and I am the proud grandmother of Sandra (21 years) and Jaco (20 years).

They have been an absolute joy in my life for the past 8 years. Wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

quote:

Originally posted by ozinuk:

quote:

Originally posted by cloudybay:
Well I find it so

Well cloudybay I have been a step father to a now 20 soon to be 21 year old daughter and a now 18 year old son and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I spent 18 yrs in the Australian Army, have 2 girls of my own 20 and 18 and being a step parent is by far the hardest. As a matter of fact I came to this forum with the express purpose fo seeking help.

I have barely spoken a word to my stepdaughter for 4 years now since trying to discipline her for having sex in our bed (we caught her. My step daughter told me it has nothing to do with me, I have no rights in this house and no rights over her, my wife agreed and would not support me. My wife then said it would be no point in disciplining the children as I was not their father and she would not stand for it.

Monday of this week I found out my stepson made his girlfriend pregnant, I spoke to him as two men would offered him any help he required and he told me my advice is not required or needed as I am not his father. I spoke to his mother about this and she agreed.

So Cloudybay all families are different unfortunatly the on I have is let's say lacking.

Wow poor you.

As a person with a step dad + mum , I have to say, the BIGGEST mistake parents make is when they takes sides. So what if your Kids say the man you are with is not their father. I think when you get married, he/ she agrees to take on the mother / father role, although biologically this may not be so. But technically you become the other parent, and like all Parents, Kids must be disciplined, by both you cannot shut the other parent out.
It is difficult if the children live part time with both biological parents, sometimes causes too much trouble.

I have been a step mum for 4 years now and I can honestly say there is nothing harder in the world!

However it is also the most rewarding thing i have ever done and I love the kids as if they were my own, maybe one day they will be joined by one of my own.

step by step peranting should be invented ....

My stepson is 14 and has grown up with a severly autistic brother so in effect was like an only child. I have 3 children of my own and i have to say sometimes it's a struggle to try to find the balance between them all. He's settling down a bit now after a bad start (more an issue with his mum than with his dad and i).

hello every one,
im new here, and would really like advice from anyone that can give it.
i am 21, and living with my partner of 1 year, who has a 20 month old son from is last relationship. I love my partner, and his child dearly, but i am having difficulty understanding some aspects of this life.
- i totally understand that it is important for my partner and his ex to have a good relationship- for the sake of the child, but, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR???? last week, my partner, his ex, and the baby went swimming together,and to the park and for lunch. He says its what is best for the baby, but i think this would just confuse the child- in my eyes, this is a step too far- as their relationship is over. AM I BEING UNREASONABLE TO SAY HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS???

thanks to anyone that can help,

sally x x x

Its the most painfull and thankless job in the world the only way my hubby and i have made it work with two children each living with us from previous marriages is to have firm boundaries,lots of fun family times and the understanding on all parts that this family will only work if we all contribute,we have regular family meetings so that anyone with a gripe gets it off their chest and we can all try to sort it out! sounds a bit anal i know.
yes its hard,but i had my step children from a young age which helps but i went into this with my eyes wide open and for me theres been more secret tears than smiles.
the main advantage is that both ex spouses chose to opt out of the childrens lifes before my hubby and i met so this smoothed the path for us but has left a trail of destruction with feeling rejected in the children minds.
I think you get it wrong more than you get it right!

I'm a nearly step parent (not married you see) and I have to say i hate my "step son".
And he has AS!
I have my own kids and love them to bits.

My parents split when i was 12 so ive had a stepmum and dad for nearly 9 years. Me and my brothers didnt see my mum and step dad for 6 years but the past 2 years since we've been back in contact he's been nothing but brilliant and treats us like his own. My brothers are 22 and 14.
Then theres my step-mum who i can honestly say i hate. When she 1st got together with my dad she was ok but she hates us 3 kids because of how close we are with my dad as it was just us and him for a long time. My dad has now moved in with her and my little brother has too. Me and my older bro were old enuff to escape thank god...Her kids are little s**ts and are always in trouble in school and have the police at the door all the time whereas my brother is well behaved and has never caused the kind of trouble they have. im not saying he's an angel. But My brother is always in the wrong at home no matter what he does. She always picks at the littlest thing to have a go at him for like he doesnt take his shoes off at the door. But when her kids skiv school and get in fights its always someone elses fault. Like their being bullied whereas in truth their more likely the bullies.... Theres so many things she does that makes me so mad i could type for hours... I think being a step parent must be hard but trust me when you have a step-mother like ours its bloody hard being a step-child....

My hubbie has two kids from his previous marriage, now 14 and 10. I've looked after them like my own and done my best for them for the last 9 years, infact, the eldest lived with us for 5 years and I was his 'mum' in every sense of the word. We've got two together now, 5 and 2, but I still try to do my best by the others. A couple of weeks ago, after a difficult period between my hub and his eldest - it transpired that his two kids "hate my guts" and apprently, according to the ex wife - it's been brewing for around 2 years.

I am gutted, angry, hurt, upset and feel that our relationship is beyond repair. My hub has been great and has taken my side - but behind closed doors he's told me that I need to "let it go, they're only kids and that I'm blowing it out of all proportion".

Am I. What do you think? The way I feel at the moment - I feel like telling him to forget our 'extended family' and that he's going to have to have two families, because I dont' want anything to do with his two. We all went on holiday last week and the 'naturalness' has gone out of our relationship - and to top it off - their relationship with my 5 year old has deteroirated to the point that it's obvious he gets on their nerves and they are actually quite 'rough' with him - which didn't help matters atall.

Advice please...........................

Parenting is bloody hard work 24/7

In an ideal world there would be
give & take in all relationships,whether
things are going right or not .... Sadly
the latter is more likely to be the case.

I dont agree with forcing any personal views
onto children,they will always make their
own minds up in their own time,and no matter
what "we" as parents would prefer them to think
they will always voice their own oppinions,and
choose their own paths.

I was "step mom" to 2 kids,and they loved coming over to stay,unknown to me at the time..
their natural mother had only agreed to their
father (now my ex-husband)having access to the children at all,because she knew I would be
there too.

I have my own children too,and sadly due to
things being thrown my way over the years,I can
see things from both sides of the coin.

A child is a child!

A parent is a parent! "Step" or not

We can all only do our best to teach them
right from wrong,and be there for them when
they need us....no matter how Thankless it is

JUST GOTTA LOVE 'UM

x

I can`t tell anyone how much I hate the word "step" I have two children from a previous marriage and two children with my Hubby, when I had my third child and he started to call my Hubby by his first name and not Dad because thats what he heard the older two refering to him as, we had my ex Hubby round and talked about the problem because I felt there were two families living in the one house, Hubby, myself and littlen on one side and on the other side there was myself, littlen and my two older children.

My ex Hubbys attitude was that we were bringing his two children up, it was Hubby who was supporting them and he agreed with the way we disiplined them and did leave it to us, although he did have an input when the need arose, so he agreed to his children calling Hubby Dad, we did check with how the children felt and they were happy about it.

For us it was the best thing that could have happened, we have been "one" family now for 16 years and I`m not saying it ended all the problems you have with children but it certainly helped bring the family together, my older two are 23 and 18 now and love both their Dads and hate the word step as much as I do and are quick enough to put people straight if that words used, we have always told them they are special because Hubby wanted them as his children, my ex Hubby treats all four children the same at Birthdays and Christmas, it helps because we all socialise together and get on and I do realise some families aren`t as lucky but when I split from ex Hubby, I knew it had to be amicable because of our children and we did put our differences aside for them

I think parenting can be easy or hard with they are your real parents or not, it depends on what person/s, every family is different.

quote:

Originally posted by treaclepud:
I think parenting can be easy or hard with they are your real parents or not, it depends on what person/s, every family is different.

Very true, we had the same problems with my oldest Son as we had with our youngest Son, all the normal growing up, nothing to do with whose Dad lived where and they were both dealt with the same and ended up the same, nice lads

I told my step son that i have the same house rules for them all, and i didnt want to hear them say they were step brother or sisters or half brother or sisters. I said they are one big family now and we all had to try and get on. It worked for us, but was not all ways easy, sometimes its the parents that make the proplems.

quote:

Originally posted by little_big_woman:
I told my step son that i have the same house rules for them all, and i didnt want to hear them say they were step brother or sisters or half brother or sisters. I said they are one big family now and we all had to try and get on. It worked for us, but was not all ways easy, sometimes its the parents that make the proplems.

Thats very true about the parents sometimes being the problems, I know talking from personal experience when I first met my Hubby, he had two children, as I did and would see his children every weekend when they were small, my two were their ages and when the fighting and squabbles started, Hubby would automatically blame mine, whether they were at fault or not because in his words "I see mine once a week and don`t want to be telling them off all the time" but I felt mine shouldn`t suddenly once a week be told off for things that weren`t always their fault, after all, these things didn`t happen the rest of the week.

It got to the stage where I dreaded them coming over because I knew my two children would be treated unfairly, we did work through it, it got to the stage where we had to, or split up, which thankfully didn`t happen but it was the normal teething problems that come with having children from other relationships and thats on both sides, mine and his