hello every one, im new here, and would really like advice from anyone that can give it. i am 21, and living with my partner of 1 year, who has a 20 month old son from is last relationship. I love my partner, and his child dearly, but i am having difficulty understanding some aspects of this life. - i totally understand that it is important for my partner and his ex to have a good relationship- for the sake of the child, but, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR???? last week, my partner, his ex, and the baby went swimming together,and to the park and for lunch. He says its what is best for the baby, but i think this would just confuse the child- in my eyes, this is a step too far- as their relationship is over. AM I BEING UNREASONABLE TO SAY HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS???
Anyone who is a step parent or a step child, i would really appreciate your point of view with any aspect of step parenting, i just want to do the best i can for my relationship and the child, and figure that you are the best people for me to get advise from.
Originally posted by stepmum-2-be: hello every one, im new here, and would really like advice from anyone that can give it. i am 21, and living with my partner of 1 year, who has a 20 month old son from is last relationship. I love my partner, and his child dearly, but i am having difficulty understanding some aspects of this life. - i totally understand that it is important for my partner and his ex to have a good relationship- for the sake of the child, but, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR???? last week, my partner, his ex, and the baby went swimming together,and to the park and for lunch. He says its what is best for the baby, but i think this would just confuse the child- in my eyes, this is a step too far- as their relationship is over. AM I BEING UNREASONABLE TO SAY HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS???
Anyone who is a step parent or a step child, i would really appreciate your point of view with any aspect of step parenting, i just want to do the best i can for my relationship and the child, and figure that you are the best people for me to get advise from.
thanks to anyone that can help,
sally x x x
Hi stepmum-2-be! I AM a step mum but not in the same situation as you.My 2 stepsons were adults when I married their father, as were my children, but in my experience treading carefully is the order of the day!I've read your post over and over, and what shouts out to me is.........can you make a friend of your partners ex? This would be a terrific advantage all round. It may sound odd to a lot of people, but there is obviously no antagonism between your partner and his ex, so I am sure HE would welcome your efforts to be friendly to her, and pretty soon you might find yourself included in their outings, although I would be inclined not to make it every time, allow them a little space. I do understand how you must have felt on their day out, but whatever you do, don't let him feel that he is under pressure when he wants to see his son. My husband was a widower but I was divorced and still in contact with my ex ( afterall he was my childrens father), and luckily my husband understood this. We still meet up with him for a drink when we are in the vicinity, and the children feel able to talk about their father in front of their step father with out any qualms, plus the fact they adore my husband and treat him as a father, likewise my step children, so I feel as though we have got it right, but with your situation being slightly different, it will need extra care. Good luck anyway, I shall be interested to hear how things go!
thank you for taking the time to reply, its really good to hear from someone who is experienced.
I have tried desparatly to befriend his ex, trying to make conversation when she rings the house, offering to make copies of video recording of the baby for her, but she is not interested. She thinks that i am trying to 'mother her son', and that im 'too nice', so i cant really win.
About what you said about my partner feeling under pressure when he wants to see his son- My partner and i have the baby at least 4 nights every week, we are both really involved which is fantastic- but the fact that we have him much of the week, makes me wonder why my partner feels the need to 'play happy families' with his ex. If my partner was one of these dad's that only sees his child every 2 weeks, i could totally understand, but because his son is with us so much, it doesn't really make sence to me. Who ever said being a step mum would be easy though! lol
Oh my heart goes out to you. I would not be happy if i were you. The 'happy family' swimming trip is not right. You and your partner can go swimming with the child but i don't understand the broken family unit doing it. It will send mixed messages.
My great concern is if/when you and your partner have a child of your own. What happens then....?
I've never been a believer in being 'great mates' with a partners ex. It never works.
You are trying sooOOooo hard to do the right thing and my hat goes off to you. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage who was 2 when the relationship ended. She is now 7 and we have 2 boys of our own. His ex is STILL a huge pain in the bum, demanding, unreasonible, needy etc. She has been trying to get us to take his daughter full time but my priorities are with my boys. I'm sorry but i don't see why i have to bring up someone elses child because they don't want her when i have my own family to deal with.
Not sure if any of this will help. You are still very young and have a lot to deal with. I don't think there is an easy answer, but good luck with everything.
"of all the things i've lost, I miss my mind the most"
thanks for that- its reassuring to know that my partners ex isn't the only 'pain in the bum!'. lol.
your right tho, there's no easy answer- people always say that there's no handbook for bringing up children- well i think its even worse for step parents. we're always seen as the bad guy.
As for your situation, thats a tough one too. some things to remember tho, before you make your final decision on whether you want to take your step daughter full time. . . 1- have you ever thought that this young girl could be an asset to your family unit? 2- think about the effect on the child- if her own mother doesnt want her, and you and her dad refuse to take her full time- thats a lot of rejection for a kid to take. 3- she's not just 'someone elses child', she's the child of the man you love, and for you to take on his child, is i believe, the most wonderful thing a person can do.
Trust me, i know how hard it can be, because at the end of the day, you're not her mother, but she is still part of your family, whether she lives with you or not, and you have the chance to build a fantastic relationship with her.
THanks for your advice- us step mum's need to stick together! lol
Hi Stepmum-2be. I became a stepmum when I was about your age to a boy of 15 months. Goodness knows I could have used loads of advice!!! The first problem I encountered was that the ex thought of me as a cuckoo in the nest even though she had well and truly left the nest(not to mention the beautiful baby boy)behind. Second, we had a massive court battle to keep my stepson, as his mother had decided that maybe she did want him after all. The list could go on but instead I will try to advise you...Remember that you are a stepmum which means you chose your step-son!! how amazing is that? Look upon the ex as a great 3-4 days a week babysitter...for free...and smile. remember what brought you and your partner together. I do think the family swim thing is a bad idea because on the odd occasion that my partner, my step-son and the ex did anything together my step-son became convinced that his mum and dad were getting back together. This is something that most children hope for even when they have no living memory of their parents being together. My step-son has only just accepted that his parents will not ever get back togrther-he is 14 years old! I think you should clearlt let your partner know that it has upset you and that whilst you want him to have a full and happy relationship with the child, it must not exclude you in any way. I hope this helps...I could go on for ages...Feel free to ask questions if you want. Us step-mums DO need to stick together. Good luck.
THanks 4 that- it really does help to here from people like you, and ur advise is much appreciated. i knew when i got into this relationship that it wouldnt be easy- taking on his child has never been a problem, ive known him since he was 7 months old, and from day one there has been a strong attachment between us. The only problem we have, is my partners ex. i wasnt expecting that aspect to be so hard. She interferes, and trys to make life hard for me, even when im trying to be nice- because at the end of the day, im trying to do what is best for my step son. She is a few years younger than me, and i dont think that helps- she seems to be very immature (ie- thinking im 'mothering her son') and very much like you, thinking im the cuckoo.
Im trying to remember that, although this is all new to me, that it is also new to my partner- maybe he's just as confused as i am, and doesnt know what to do for the best.
I would really like to here about your court case (sorry if thats too personal) -its just that my partner is considering gettin full custody, as the baby's mother does not put her child 1st- (eg- she lets her boyfriends smoke weed around the baby, gets drunk on a friday night and is incapable of standing, let alone lookin after the child the next day.. . .the list goes on.) My partner is scared he will loose the case, and then not be able to see the baby as much. Id really like your advise on this.
being a step mum is really tough you will never please everyone especially if the x isnt too friendly.if you are nice to her son she will complain and if you wernt she and your boyfriend would complain. mum and dad playing happy families will only lead to confusion for the child,if they are no longer a family then the child (and adults) has to learn to still have fun and love with parents but at seperate times.this may be harsh but i really do feel it is better not to do happy family things in the long run.tell the x that you are not there to replace her, you will never love the child as if it were your own but that does not mean you cant love or care for the child.it sounds like you are really trying with the x ,keep that up it may be really hard work sometimes but will be worth it as you really dont want to go to war with her!.i wish there was a magic formula i could give you ,my only advice is to be patient. all the best xx
Hi there, sorry it has taken so long for me to reply... Basicly the mother seems to have a stronger chance of winning custody because of the draconian law/legal system!!! In our case (briefly) the mother left the child with his father taking her child from a previous relationship with her. She then moved back... this happened twice then on the 3rd time my partner decided enough was enough and got sorted with childcare and made it clear that mother was not welcome to move back (it was his house and she had no claim to it). I was the Live in nanny.... For the first 6 months we had a great working relationship. It was clear though that the mother resented my being there. My partner and I started having a relationship and the mother decided she wanted her son back.She had contact every other weekend and chose to not return him one sunday night so we took her to court where the judge ruled that as the child had 'most recently resided with the mother, he should stay there'! We were horrified, he was only there for a few weeks and only because she had failed to give him back!!!Two weeks after the ruling she wanted a heart to heart talk with my partner who returned to our home with the child saying that the mother was feeling stressed and needed a couple of weeks without him. That couple of weeks turned out to be about 5 then she took us to court claiming that we were denying her contact! Are you confused yet? A second time the judge ruled temporarily in her favour and arranged for social workers to assess both homes, lifestyles etc... to enable him to make a fair judgement. The social worker we had was a 'womens rights' type and was massively biased in favour of the single mum struggling to make ends meet in a warm comfortable home, as opposed to the father who (in her words) lives in a large house on top of a hill and provides payed care!She did not mention the stream of 'heads' that passed through mothers house nor the fact that both of her children were in a state-funded nursery 3 days a week...not to mention that she had given the child to us TWICE. Alas we lost again. Much the same happened again but this, final, time we came before a different judge as ours was ill. This new judge didn't ask many questions but it was clear that he had read the file and he simply said let's give the father a go! Phew From then on we had custody and mother had regular contact_travelling nearly always done by us. It was a hellish few years and I have to admit that sometimes I felt like walking away because I was young and didn't need all that but we stuck it out and are a big family of six now. However my step-son and his mother have a very troubled relationship, she continues to blow hot and cold towards him but he is learning to deal with that. There have been many times that he has hated me for taking him from his mother but other times that he likes me and things are fine. I've rambled loads, it just came pouring out.... Hope it's of some help. x
Hi Melliemum! Read your story with interest and a great feeling of compassion for you all. Well done for keeping so positive through all the traumas. Your stepchild will undoubtedly grow up respecting you (not always showing it I might add)even though you will probably be unaware of it.It must be very difficult for any child, knowing that 'mother'uses him to score points and to disrupt his life in this way. Thank God he has the stability that you have provided, and the older he gets, the more he will come to realize this.I really hope that you and his father enjoy a happy relationship, as this must be your consolation for all the heartache.
Originally posted by stepmum-2-be: hello every one, im new here, and would really like advice from anyone that can give it. i am 21, and living with my partner of 1 year, who has a 20 month old son from is last relationship. I love my partner, and his child dearly, but i am having difficulty understanding some aspects of this life. - i totally understand that it is important for my partner and his ex to have a good relationship- for the sake of the child, but, HOW FAR IS TOO FAR???? last week, my partner, his ex, and the baby went swimming together,and to the park and for lunch. He says its what is best for the baby, but i think this would just confuse the child- in my eyes, this is a step too far- as their relationship is over. AM I BEING UNREASONABLE TO SAY HE WAS WRONG TO DO THIS???
Anyone who is a step parent or a step child, i would really appreciate your point of view with any aspect of step parenting, i just want to do the best i can for my relationship and the child, and figure that you are the best people for me to get advise from.
thanks to anyone that can help,
sally x x x
i want to be careful in replying to you because advice can cause trouble..im sure you know what i mean... but what i would like to ask is..when your partner went off swimming with the child and his ex...why were you not invited? the very first thing you need to show a child in these situations is that ..everything is okay..if they see you all showing mutual respect and getting along then the example thats being set is one of stability in the child...i speak from experience so i am not jumping in here summising. your partner should invite you to outings involving the child and his ex-partner because he and her will always be the childs parents and if you stay with your partner you will all need to know each other for a very long time..so it should begin with mutuality or you may begin to feel that you are left out of what seems like an exclusive get together between your partner and his ex...and that is NOT a good idea...
the posts on this page are sensitive and personal...not a place for ninjas unless you feel that is your point of view..if that is the case..please dont do it, it is,nt fair.
Hi, im new on here & i'm sort of in a similar situation, as should i say i will be soon! I'm 19 & i've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 months, (i've known him for over a year) and i love him very much. Anyway he's just found out his ex is over 7 months pregnant with his baby. So we have around 5 weeks to come to terms with the fact that he's going to be a dad & i'm going to be.... well there too! Now his ex has told him that she wants to get back with him, but he's told her all about me & basically told her that it's not going to happen, but i'm still having doubts about the whole thing. He doesn't like to talk sbout it & it usually leads to a row if i bring it up. i don''t know whether to stick it out & see how things are when the baby's born or to just walk away now. I'd be really grateful if anyone can offer any advice.
hi wheezey and stepmum-2-be im 25, iv been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and he has a 8month old adorable son who i love as my own. i understand where your both coming from and our situations arnt easy. my boyfriend and his ex split up before they found out she was pregnant. they then got back together for the sake of the baby but he still wasnt happy and so ended the relationship again. as far as i was aware this was a mutual agreement, and his ex knew that the reason they had split was because they just wernt working and it was unfair to stay together for the sake of the child. that was until he met me and she found out. at just over 5months pregnant she was not very impressed and made my ex feel very very guilty about 'moving on'. saying things like i only had this baby to keep you etc. i assumed for her acting the way she did he must have left their relationsip with her feeling that there still mite be a chance (if that was the case i felt for her)so in the beggining i took a step back and tried to encourage him to reassure her that although they wernt together n e more,he wud always be there where the child was concerned. everything seemed to be ok for a while however he continued to tell me that it was definately over had been for a long time even when they were together in his eyes and he really wanted to be happy with me. we spent alot of time together discussing how it could work and he really did assure me that everything was sorted between them both...even that she was gonna keep the house he had bought until he sold it, that he wud then help to find her another place,so she wasnt doin it on her own (she was only 20 and had only lived with him on her own) she could keep everything in the house and that they would sort out proper visiting times so she could have a break and that it would still b a 'shared' responsibility. she never had to feel like she was alone. i was happy with the arrangements they had made and so we continued with our relationship and his ex seemed fine with it all when she realised she wouldnt have to do it on yer own. of course things change when a baby is born (its true no one can quite prepare you for it)and i as well as my boyfriend and his ex were over the moon. so for a while everything was running smoothly, he kept to his end of the bargin, when she stopped breast feeding we started to have the baby stay with us so she had a break to go out with her mates n stuff (this was her decicion too)and everything seemed to be working out pretty well. she even got a new boyfriend n seemed happy 2 until..she decided she wanted my boyfriend back again and started telling him she still loved him. he would tell me that he was fine with the way we were doin it, it was the way he wanted it to be. we had been with each other around six months but i knew deep down he was unhappy and really felt like he wasnt being a good dad and wasnt there for his son enough. his ex started to make him feel so guilty, saying hed never even given it a chance now his son was born, that that was unfair to there child and there child deserved that chance, that she loved him and wanted him back. so not long after he just upped and left me! i was devestated. lots of hard work and emotion had been invoved by all three of us to make it work for the length of time it had and i had fallen in love with him too! he went back to live at his house for a few days and tried to make it work with her,for his son. he even slept with her. he came to me a few days later in tears, apologising saying that he had made a massive mistake, he couldnt be with someone he didnt love and that it had taken sleeping with her to find out that he just didnt feel anything for her anymore. that he was confusing any feeling he thought he had left for her for the feelings he had for his 2month old son, but it had also made him realise how much in love with me he was. i knew from then on it wouldnt be as easy as wed hoped but i couldnt help but feel like he had be trapped in away. that she had used his own guilt and his son against him because she wanted him back. so iv given him a second chance and accepted that he made a mistake. it really is hard for him and me now to be happy. its like because his ex isnt happy he doesnt have a right to be either and i feel like she tries to make our life hell by doing and saying things out of spite,now. its like she blames me n him for 'her' hurt, like we havnt been hurt throughout all this too. it hasnt been easy for him to leave his son who he loves so much and put himself through this situation, all because he feels he has a right to be happy in life too. situations like ours can be very comlicating. weve just got to remember the real reason we r doin this. happy parents = happy children. they are innocent in all of this and its up to us as adults to sort out these problems as well as we can without it affecting the children involved. we r lucky in away that the kids we r involved with are still very young and the situation they are in {being a child and a step child} will be relatively 'normal' to them. although i feel very frustrated at times, and often have blown my top and argued really badly with my boyfriend, regarding some of the things that happen involving his ex,because there is a very fine line as to what is acceptable for my boyfriend to do regarding his ex n what isnt. we are both learning new ways to make it easier on all of us. if it seems like the ex is medling in ways in which u cant conrol, iv learnt that it helps to stay calm,(arguing gets you nowhere, even if it means us girls taking a step down to keep our boyfriends calm) in my eyes it helps to work towards being able to talk deepy with your boyfriend about your emotions, remembering that although it feels like what his ex is doin is aimed at you, it actually effects him too, more that we might realise. anger vents from frustration and lack of understanding one another. alot of trust and respect has to be built between you both, you have to work together as one unit, and disscuss any problems calmly and in privacy away form the kids. it wont be long now until the kids involved start to notice there parents behaviors, if they havnt already! i think we should try to bear this in mind when dealing with the (dreaded) ex's. we cant control what they do but we can control, with our parners how we handle things and what we do. wheezey : i know your boyfriend doesnt want to talk about it now, it seems like he might be very confused and hasnt really got any answers to give you himself right now. if you think he is worth it i dont think you should give up just yet. they obviously split up for a reason to begin with. but i think you should be prepared that he is goin to have to make alot of choices he never thought he would have to make. like you said, this is all new to him as well as you and i think it will help if he knows he can get through this with your support, rather that feeling like hes been accused of wanting to go back (whether he is concidering it or not) you have both got to come to terms with the fact that whatever happens - his ex will always be in your life no matter what, and is that sometimg you can learn to accept? it really does depend how stongly you feel for this guy and if you think you can grow and be strong together to make it work. it isnt all down to you its down to how he is as a person as well. i really do hope it works out for you no matter what u decide. from my experiance in situations like ours, there are many hurdles and many tears, many mistakes will be made but as long as you are willing to learn from them together, as a couple thats half the battle. it takes alot of trust, respect and understanding and dedication to truly be happy. good luck!...sometimes just talking or having a rant to people that understand, really can make all the difference,so let me no how it goes! :-)
Hmm... this whole issue is a tough one for everyone that's concerned in a step-family.
I have to admit to being very, very lucky in that department. My daughter was 5 when my husband and I got together, and I made sure he knew from the start that she was part of the 'package', would always come first, and that I was still very good friends with her Dad and would make sure she saw him as often as possible. (A bit hard as he lives 200 miles away!) He accepted that straight away, and was fine about it.
It's still not without it's problems though - he was literally hurled in at the deep end. He's in his early 40's and doesn't have kids of his own, and all of a sudden there's this blonde lunatic child to contend with. There's been times when I've had to put them in seperate rooms because they just couldn't get on - just like having 2 kids. They are a lot closer now we're married and living in our own home (we lived with my Dad for 6 months as I was already living there with my daughter, and he spent that time living out of a suitcase!) He still gets very frustrated, but as long as I stay calm, he's learning to get down and talk to her on her level, rather than get wound up.
I'm also VERY lucky in that my husband and my kids Dad get on like a house on fire - Dad is now going out with my oldest and closest friend, believe it or not, and they have my total blessing. It's actually really good fun when they come up here to stay, because we all know each other, I've known them for years and years and we have a stupendous laugh.
I wish all of you the best of British - it can work out, as I've found out - albeit the hard way!
ok so im very knew to this and feel a bit silly but here goes.. iv read all the comments hopin they can help me and alot have. it nice to know other people have similar problems.
iv been with my boyfriend on and off for around 5 years im 20 and we officially got together two years last june. his ex is a very messed up girl and will admit she only got pregnent to try keep him. while me n him were on n off the few years before this so was they and so was me n my ex. so she HATES me. he went bak to her wen she told him she was pregnent and stayed until the baby was a few months. this was so hard for me but i never contacted him. he rang me wen the baby was born n told me he had a daoughter and did not love her and wanted to ba wit me. anyway cut it short we ended up bein together she stopped him from seein the baby scratched his car tormented me and made us kill each other. he went bak to her after we was together a year. it killed me tore me apart he only went up to the house a few times but after two weeks and i finally tried to get on with my life he came bak and broke down to me cried that he loved his child to bits and me and hated her. we got bak but the ex has me in court says i scratched her car and beat her up. he has no communication wit her wat so ever his father does it all. my head is wrecked i love him more than anythin i know he loves me but she still never leaves me alone. not only that im ver jelous and scared bout wat they had. and wat they have wit there child. even tho i love the child to bits. i know thats long but hope someone can help! tanks x
I have 2 step children, twins (boy and girl) now aged 5, although they were just 15 months old when they first entered my life. The great thing about aquiring step-children so early is that they accept you and as they grow have no concept of your never having been there - you are as permanant a fixture in their lives as their biological parents.
My husband has a poor relationship with their mum, unlike yours,so I don't have to deal with that, though we do have the opposite problem, where the relationship has broken down to such a degree that communication is almost impossible.
The only advice I can give you, and I like to think that I have been a successful step-mum, is not to try too hard. Don't try to be a mum, just be yourself, let the child get to know you as you are. It takes time for little ones to get to know you, love you and trust you, so don't start anything you can't keep up!
I have been a step-mum for 4 years now and it has been a fabulously rewarding experience, I love them deeply and can't imagine my life without them. I gave birth to a son 5 weeks ago, but have always seen him as my third child rather than my first. Good luck to you, enjoy your time with your step child and hopefully you'll end up as happy as I am!
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