I have four children aged 9, 10, 12 and 18. Two yars ago, when I got a divorce from their father, I revived an old interest of mine, cats. I bought two, and last year I found two orphaned kittens that I brought home. The latter are now 8 months. My children have constantly been complaining about the cats, though they are well domesticated, see the vet regularly et cetera. A week ago, my children let my cats out, when I was not at home!!! It shows disrespect for living creatures, who are not used for taking care of themselves out-doors, as well as for me. I do allow them to have their hobbies... and I certainly don't go and throw their things or belongings outside!!! I'm also a teacher, by the way.
I was so shocked the first few days, was completely numb, could only put out food and water for the cats and felt paralyzed for the rest. A few days ago, the cats returned, one by one, to my home... And, of course, I took them in again!!! My children were very upset and my son slept outside the home for one night. "You will have to choose between us and the cats" he said.
I live in a foreign community, where having cats is not completely unusual, but still not as common as in my home country! My ex husband wanted to throw the cats out last year, when I was hospitalized...
We had a family talk, I and the children, where my son was very rude and interrupted me practically all the time, though I took back the word, continued until I was finished, but still, I feel really really bad about the way he behaved...
The final compromise, when everyone had had his/her say in turns, which I imposed, became like this: Two cats stay inside, two cats will be taken care of outdoors.
I now wonder, what rights do my children have at all to behave like this towards my pets???! Did i do the right thing to compromise, or should I have driven my will through, as truly I don't interfere with their hobbies...???!
Please help me with your opinions on this... I feel shattered... as a mother, as a person and as a catlover.
The relationship with their father, whom I left, was an abusive one. His stipulated prison sentence was changed through my interference to therapy and community service and a few more things. I am now afraid that my son will walk in his father's footsteps!!!
I am sorry to hear that you have been going through all this - it sounds very stressfull. I don't have older children, just a six month old at the moment, but I am a cat lover and have 3 cats. I would hate to think that my daughter would grow up and dislike my pets, as they mean a great deal to me. I think that pets are a good idea for families as it teaches children about caring for and loving animals. It might sound like an odd question, but do your children feel at all pushed out by the cats? Are you giving affection to the cats that your children might be wanting themselves? If so, they may well be jealous. Also, are they expected to feed/clean up after the cats? There might be some resentment there if they feel that they are looking after your pets (they obviously don't feel as though they are their pets). It might also be a cry for attention. As for the cats, is there a reason why they cannot go outside? My first cat was an indoor cat, but when we moved to a new house with a garden she started to go outdoors. It took a while to get used to, but was fine in the end. Like I said, I have 3 cats, and until recently they were not allowed out at night. I have started letting them out now, and again it has been fine. Maybe if the cats came and went as they chose, your children might be more accepting of them - might even come to appreciate their company. It is important that your children understand that you care for these pets, and that treating them with contempt is hurtful to you. Could you ask them what sort of pet they would like, and maybe see if getting one that they cared about might make them more aware of how you feel about your pets? It sounds to me as if your children are trying to get your attention, remember they have been through the stress of a relationship too, and you might need to reassure them. I notice your oldest is 18 - definately old enough to understand how disrespectful they are being. Talk to the eldest adult to adult (that is what they are now). I hope for you and your cats sake that things have improved for you.
Sorry but if you are letting your children dictate to you at 9,10,12 then you are going to be in for a lot more trouble when they reach the age of your 18 year old, It is your house and your the parent they are pushing the boundaries of your relationship with them and you are letting them.
I completely disagree with zero defects. Your children are old enough to have valid opinions, and you are clearly NOT letting them dictate to you, simply listening to them, as any good parent should.
Did you discuss getting cats with the children before you got them? Of course you are the adult and it is your house, but it is their house too, and if they had absolutely no say in the matter it is quite understandable that they feel somewhat pushed out, particularly in the wake of an unpleasant divorce.
You say you do not interfere with their hobbies, but a pet is not just a hobby. It impacts on everyone who shares the house with it. You would expect to be consulted before your children invited friends over to stay the night, for instance. I think the compromise is perfectly reasonable - as that is what you agreed, you should certainly stick to it.
If you think talking down to your parent or disrespecting their property at the age of 9,10 12, or even 18 is ok then I guess they are not dictating to her, I all for letting my children have an opinion but i have the last say on what goes on in my house and I wouldnt put up with them trying to talk over me while we were discussing something and I wouldnt let them get away with throwing something of mine out because they didnt like it.
To clarify: Motheroffour asked if she was right to compromise. I think she was, you appear to think she wasn't. You think that her children are pushing the boundaries, I think they are expressing their opinions. This is why I said I disagree with you.
They have talked it out and reached a compromise - neither side is "dictating" to the other. Disrespecting a parent is another matter altogether, and on that I do agree with you. I believe that reaching a compromise is far more likely to bring mutual respect into any relationship than one side dictating their will regardless of others' feelings.
I think there is a lot more to this than a cat problem.
You say your relationship with your husband was and abusive one. If your children have witnessed his treatment of you, then sometimes they can get the impression that this is the way to treat people - particularly boys/men towards girls/women.
Your husband had obviously objected to the cats previously and your children have learned from the most dominant member of the household. Your children don't respect you because your husband didn't.
It's not too late, show them that whilst you are prepared to listen to them, you are NOT prepared to be dictated to. Try and show them that women are not there just to be abused and talked down to, teach them, boys and girls, that women are valuable, important members of society and that they deserve the same respect as men.
It may take sometime to acomplish this but please try, give your girls the confidence to stand up for their rights as human beings and teach your boys to respect women.
I wish you nothing but the best, you must be a courageous woman because I know it takes bravery to get out of an abusive marriage, and if you can do that, then you can solve this problem also.
