Hi, i've just noticed this forum, and thought i'd ask for some advice on my current predicament.
Basically, i've never known my dad, he was an abusive cretin who can rot as far as i'm concerned. BUT, last week i got a call from a girl who turns out to be my half-sister. We have arranged to meet up next Monday, but i'm worried how this will work out, as to her, her dad is great and she knows nothing of his past. How can i sit there listening to her go on about how lovely he is (she's already started doing this on the phone), without shattering her illusions. Plus, it's not my place to reveal what her father is/was really like is it? I'm finding this really confusing and difficult to deal with. Has anyone been through anything like this, meeting up with new-found siblings etc, abusive parent turning up on the scene again? (oh yeah, she's putting pressure on me to meet him, says he's always crying, looking sad blah blah blah, whatever!) Any advice welcome......

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Lei-Lei Jayenne:
Plus, it's not my place to reveal what her father is/was really like is it? [QUOTE]

I don't see why not. That's the truth of how he behaved. He made his choice about how he behaved towards you. You don't have to cover up for him. You shouldn't have to deny your truth.

I think that you could only be storing up problems if you go into this new relationship on the premise that you can't be honest.

It doesn't matter if she believes you or not. Or if she doesn't care that you were hurt. You still have the right to speak the truth.

By the way, I've been in a similar predicament in having broken contact with an abusive parent.

I too get the "ooh, she cries about you all the time" stuff. It's hard but I remember all the times she did me down when I was younger and I felt pain. She should always have expected a day of reckoning.

When parents like ours shed these tears, I tend to regard them as tears of self-pity. They aren't crying for us. They are crying for themselves. The realisation dawns of the mess they made and how powerless they are now that we are adults and have made the same choice about them that they made about us years ago.

If you're not happy talking to her about your father perhaps you could just say something like "I didn't have a happy time with him and I'd rather not talk about him", or something similar. Maybe that way you could talk about her and you as seperate people instead of her talking about the person who links you.

Hope that makes sense!

Hi

I haven`t been through anything like you are now but I stopped seeing my Dad about 14 years ago, so did my Sister, my Sister contacted him a few years ago because it was his 70th and shes a forgiving person, I`m not and although she tried to get me to see him, he had asked her to try, I didn`t, which I`m still fine about.

We are both grown adults and it was her choice to see him, which I respected, as did she respect the fact I wanted nothing to do with him, we agreed that he would not be discussed and we don`t.

If you and your Sister are going to be able to have any sort of relationship, be honest and just say from the begining that you would like to get to know her but you both have different views on your Dad, so its best to keep him out of any chats.

I hope your meeting goes well

quote:

---

Originally posted by vbland:
By the way, I've been in a similar predicament in having broken contact with an abusive parent.

I too get the "ooh, she cries about you all the time" stuff. It's hard but I remember all the times she did me down when I was younger and I felt pain. She should always have expected a day of reckoning.

When parents like ours shed these tears, I tend to regard them as tears of self-pity. They aren't crying for us. They are crying for themselves. The realisation dawns of the mess they made and how powerless they are now that we are adults and have made the same choice about them that they made about us years ago.

---

Very true Vbland, although my Dad wasn`t abusive but his tears were tears of guilt and in old age missing out on visits from a Daughter, Grandchildren and now a great Grandchild, he was feeling sorry for himself.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mrs Bump:
you could just say something like "I didn't have a happy time with him and I'd rather not talk about him"

---

I agree with this. If she then asks you what he did, you have every right to tell her. You haven't said your age, but if you're both handling such a tough situation, then she's old enough to make her own mind up about how she wants to handle it. Just keep clear in your mind that it's not her fault- she doesn't know what he's like, so don't take it out on her. I get the guilt trip thing all the time from other family members about my dad being lonely, needing me and even being sorry. Never directly from him, of course. Don't let anyone else convince you. You're the one that knows.

If you can, let us know how it goes. Good luck

Thanks for all the help and suggestions people, very much appreciated. I have to say, i've had a terrible week thinking about it all, and am now in two minds about cancelling it all.
I think honesty on my part is definately the thing to do, whether i meet her or not, but at the moment i'm so scared that he'll get to me through her. Stupid isn't it, still scared of him and i'm in my twenties. I don't know what to do now. Maybe i should call him and tell him to be honest with her....

Whatever you decide to do or say I hope it goes well. xxx

By you contacting him you could be playing into his hands

I think you have to decide how much you want to meet your Sister, as to what you do but whatever it is, you have to be happy with it. Good luck

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lei-Lei Jayenne:
Stupid isn't it, still scared of him and i'm in my twenties.

---

not at all. i can't speak for anyone else, but i think my father will always a piece of me that he controls. call it weakness or whatever, but i don't think it ever goes away, no matter what age you are.

quote:

---

Originally posted by SouthernGirl:
By you contacting him you could be playing into his hands

---

i agree. and i feel that going through him will only cause you to get even more frustrated and confused.

whatever you choose, you're the one that has to live with it, so do what's right for you. if meeting her is already making you so anxious, you may want to think about speaking to her on the phone a few more times, until you feel comfortable with seeing her. just a suggestion. good luck

I've spoken to my sister about how i feel, and we've agreed to leave him out of it. She seemed to understand, though i didn't go into any details whatsoever, so i guess i'll see. Still got this feeling she's gonna turn up with him in tow on Monday, but i guess i'll have to just see what happens now. Thanks for the good wishes and everything, they've helped me a lot. I'll let you know how it goes.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lei-Lei Jayenne:
Still got this feeling she's gonna turn up with him in tow on Monday, but i guess i'll have to just see what happens now.

---

Good luck. It could be a good idea to think now about your options in the event that she does have him in tow. Whether you will ask him to leave - or whether you will leave - or whether you will just put up with him.

It's important to remember that you don't have to take it as a "fait accompli" if she does choose to bring him. You still have choices. Indeed, one of those other options could be very useful - to set their expectations/ boundaries (ie. that you make decisions about how the relationship will go forward as well as them).

I hope everything went alright for you today, I`ve been popping in from time to time to see if you`ve posted but no news is good news. Heres hoping you had a lovely chat with your Sister

hi,
Well the meeting went okay i guess. She seems like a really nice girl, though we are completely different types of people, but then that's to be expected i guess. We discussed my feelings about the father and she seemed to understand my not wanting to meet him, so i left the meeting feeling more positive about things. However, subsequently she has texted me everyday, putting on some real pressure to meet him etc etc. I'm beginning to think he really has put her up to this. I think i'm just gonna have to stop being so nice about it to her and make it clear in whatever way that it's her i'm interested in getting to know, most certainly not him. Jeez, this is bloody stressful.

It sounds to me like you could be right and when your Sister met you, she couldn`t put the pressure on face to face because she enjoyed her time with you but now shes home, he could be getting her to text about meeting him, especially if he knows you both got on fine, hope that made sense.

I think its a good idea to let her know its her your interested in getting to know and that that has to mean no mention of your Father, hes not in this relationship, you can word it nicely and see what she says.

I hope you can both manage to get past your Father being an issue and can have a Sister relationship, it will take time but it sounds like you enjoyed it, till you got home anyway

I agree with southerngirl. It's not really approrpriate for her to be dealing wtih this matter by text. I think you should be firm for a while. Maybe just don't reply to them if you don't want to address her directly.

Also, it may be that this other woman is in a difficult position - if he's putting pressure on her to be the "go between". So you may take the pressure off her too.

I am glad the meeting went well face to face but the follow up is a bit of a shame.

There may be a clue is what you first said,you never knew your father,so who is it that said that he was a violent cretin.
Go see for yourself,make your own mind up,the choice is totally yours.

kassak, my father ceased to be a part of my life when i was three when my mum ran away to a women's refuge. He went to jail for his abuse, so i know he's a cretin, i remember some incidents vaguely of his behaviour. But since i was 3, i've never seen/spoken to him, therefore don't know him. I guess that's what i meant.

Anyway, it's still going okay with my sister, and it turns out there's another sister and a brother! A little over-whelmed by that.

Thats great, think of all the extra Christmas presents this year Do you all want to meet each other? I hope your Sister has eased up on trying to get you to see your Dad

Then if you are certain that took place, then you and only you can make a decision to see him or not,it may pay to say to your sister and other siblings when you meet them,that you are unhappy to have pressure put on you to meet your father until if and when you choose and no amount of pressure will change your mind.

I really hope things work out with you and your sister and I think Southern Girl has given you good advice.
If the stress is getting to much for you just remember this is your life no-one elses and you have to be strong for your own self presevation tell your sister straight that while you would welcome a relationship with her, she has to understand that you had a bad time as far as your father goes and do not want him in your life again and if she cannot respect this then it maybe better for your own sanity to walk away from the situation.
I do understand how stressfull this is for you as it has happened to one of my family, and my advice is protect yourself first an abusive does not change no matter how many times they tell you they have, I know this from experance
Good luck and I hope things work out the best way for you

I really hope things work out for you,only you can decide what to do for the best but above all protect yourself (I know this has already been said ,but its true and a lesson i learned the hard way).
I have been/am in a situation that is slightly similar in that myself and my sister cut contact with our dad about 4 years ago. I was the first to do this , my sister continued to see him until she too cut contact with him a year after me. We never put any pressure on each other, my sister respected my wishes and I respected her decisions in regard to contact with our father too. To be honest we havnt really discussed how hurt we have both been,we seem to keep all discussions of him pretty sarcastic.
The problem i had was that my dad and some of his family live in the same area as me so i have a constant fear of bumping into him and also my sister has moved to the other side of the world. Part of my dads problem is that he is an alcoholic and im convinced that his drink problem will make him seriously ill or kill him one day.Since my sister has moved so far away she has an excuse not to be around for him but I do not. I know it sounds so selfish but Im scared of the pressure that will be put on me to see him and of dealing with it all alone without my sister.
I have thought alot about this. I think what im trying to say is, in situations like this there are no right or wrong answers (hindsight is a great thing) but above all you must do whats right for YOU and make that clear to others in this situation. Always remember that your not 3 anymore, he cant do anything to hurt you because you have the power and the right to walk away and to make your own decisions.
I will keep checking to see how you get on.
Best Wishes.

Thanks a lot to you all for your great advice and good wishes. It has all calmed down a bit now. I'm talking with my 2 sisters