flipping heck,what your dad did to you is shocking,what ever did happen to your husband hasn't affected your MIL as much as it should have,do you think he is a bit scared of her?,for him to be nervous around her,my mum still treats me like a child she is always telling me off,(i am 43)but i do think you and your husband are well suited as you both understand each other a lot,i suppose if it's possible you just have to treat your MIL with pity,you proberly won't ever be friends,or you could move away so she can't just come round your house.

Hi Sizzler,

I love my husband to the extent that I would do anything I could to protect him from any more harm. As I say, I don't want to go into any more detail about what happened to him, as it's his wish that what happened remains private, but let's just say that I feel nothing but fury towards his mum and dad for knowing that something was wrong, but not doing anything and everything in their power to find out, and to put a stop to it. He tries to defend them by saying that he never wanted them to be hurt by it, but to me - if that was my child, NO. NEVER.

If that was my daughter, I would have given up ALL the lifestyle I was living to stop it.

As for my Dad... what he did was and still is unforgiveable, and I understand why my husband finds it hard to come to terms with what Dad did to me. At the time, he and I were work colleagues, and he was a great source of comfort to me, even to the extent of asking if he should take me to hospital, because I was badly injured. We got together not long after.

We are lucky because we can talk to each other about it, and trust each other. As for the in-laws, my Dad couldn't wait to get me out of his life, and my in-laws just won't let their son go, even though I am 33 and he is 42 and we are grown adults.

To see him regress to the point where sometimes he just clams up and is almost in tears when they are around breaks my heart, and I think the fact that I say what I think, and am not afraid to stand up for us really gets to them. It's a case of 'Don't f*** with me, because you will have a fight on your hands'. This is a shame, because as people, I do really like them.

I just am not prepared to be walked and talked over, and they hate that, and that scares my husband, I feel.

I hope all this rambling makes sense..

hi there mrs o ,his parents both sound like dominating people,and what ever it was that happend to your husb they just brushed it under the carpet,also maybe deep down your hubby hasn't forgiven them for not saving or helping him,and he doesn't know how to handle them or her so he just acts like a little boy in her or their presence,but he has a strong minded caring woman by his side and probably will be able to stop acting like he does in his mum's company,i also think but i might be wrong that not many people say no to his mum,she always gets her own way,but she didn't think her daughter in law would be such a strong character and that will unnerve her.I hope some of what i am saying makes some sense and i sort of know bits cos i have a very controlling and bossy,mum it has taken me nearly 20 years to actually stand up for now myself with her she doesn't like it but now i can't be bothered if she doesn't like it,i think tough.

Sizzler, I agree with everything you say - you have summed it up in one post.

That is EXACTLY how my hubby acts - he reverts to being a little boy, and it bewilders me sometimes.

Because what he went through and what I went through are so similar, it makes me identify how he feels much more, and as a result, we are a lot closer.

I've already told MIL a few things tonight re some problems we are having at the mo, and she is already trying to take over. (These probs are MINE, nothing to do with my husband, just a stupid thing that has happened and really threatened our marriage if we were to let it, but we haven't, and we are fine.)

She now wants to come over on Thursday and 'discuss' Christmas - which we have already sorted between us, and everything else. She is
trying to take over from my mother, who died 2 years ago, and sorry, sunshine - NO DEAL.

BACK OFF.

Sorry if I sound angry, it's unintentional.

morning mrs o

i am just glad that i did help a bit,just had a thought,maybe your husband is scared of his mum,i know since the summer i was scared of my mum i know it sounds daft cos i'm 43,but she would talk to me in this bitter voice i would shrink back and just wanted to cry and sit in a corner,but something made me snap and i realised she was the one being on a power trip with me,and i have to stand up to her a lot more and she can't do a thing about it.People like your MIL thinks she can solve everyone's problems so easy,that's cos she wants to be in total control,she won't even realise it is your problem and not hers to deal with it,but you already know this,but try not to bad mouth your MIL wih your husband too much cos he won't want any confrontation with her,he will just agree with her to keep the peace.On the xmas discussion(who does she think she is,saying that in the 1st place? tut),you have got to stick to your guns other wise she has won,but there can be a compromise sp,cos if not she will sulk till she gets the xmas she expects,i think we could write on book of mums and MILS,,no no no someone like her could never take over from your mum,your only angry with her in your post, i know what it's like no need to say sorry i know it isn't aimed at me

Mother in law is ok we dont see a great deal of each other, but no horror stories

Hi Sizzler, thanks as always for your reply.

I am really starting to let this get to me now, and I am worried that some sort of confrontation is going to happen on Thursday. I have spoken to my husband about it and he just went quiet.

I know my temper, and if she starts trying to take over and tell me what to do, I will FLIP. I don't lose it often, it takes a lot to rile me, but when I go I GO, and heaven help the person in the firing line. I just keep thinking back to our wedding, and how she tried to take over. I am still amazed how calm I managed to be.

Anyway, I don't want to say too much more on here cos husb sometimes reads these forums, but if anyone wants to mail me or yack on MSN, give me a shout, that'd be great.

hi mrs o

it's no good getting aggitated yet,wait till thursday and see what silly things she comes up with,also as you will know once you start shouting the argument will be lost,just keep imagining she is a baby crying in her cot,lol that might make things more relaxing for you,and good luck for thursday

Thanks Sizzler,hon - *hugs you*..

I am still in a state of WTF is going to happen, and I know my husband will be in the firing line, which he doesn't need as he is working all the hours for us at the mo as I have recently lost my job. He is tired enough, and doesn't need the added stress of this, so I haven't said anything more to him. He has a bad stammer at the best of times, but when she is around.. blimey.

Call me paranoid, but something tells me it is going to kick off when - and if - she comes here on Thursday - got enough to deal with with Christmas and all it entails, kids plays and pantos etc, Hubby working and not able to help out much, I cannot drive at the mo and we live in a rural area, you can imagine what it's like.

We know how we want our first Christmas to be, and we are having it our way, over my dead body.

Just wish husband was around more so we could really talk about how we are going to deal with this, but it's impossible at the mo.

hi mrs o ,i was thinking about you today,so how did it go?,good i hope and that she wasn't too overbearing,and that she didn't try and change your mind,

does she treat your daughter as she should do?

hi mrs o, hope all is good with u n yours. dont let the mil get u down, enjoy the kids n the festivites...if all that fails throw sprouts at her!

Mrs O, You remind me of ME, and your Husband reminds me of mine a little, and your MONSTER in law reminds me of how mine used to be till I laid it on the line!!

Your story is very similar to mine in some ways, cept I have a great Dad!

Good Luck!

My mother in law is alright, she can be a bit overbearing at times, but she's generous and kind, I'm really quite fond of her.

Hi peeps, thanks for all your kind messages - I really appreciate them.

Sorry for the delay in reply..

MIL came over on that day and tried to start lecturing me over what had happened, and I basically laid it on the line and told her all, and then when she started, I told her it wasn't open for discussion. She didn't like that a lot, but let it drop, which is a miracle in itself.

We had a great Christmas, went over to the in-laws on Christmas Eve, and had a very pleasant time. El Kiddo got spoilt rotten and we had a lovely meal, and MIL was no different to usual.

However, we now have a new problem.

New Years Eve, my husband decided that enough is enough - he's going to stop smoking. GREAT! I'm all for it. I smoke myself, but I'm more than happy for him to quit cos it will help me cut down. Lo and behold, midnight on New Years Eve, he stubs out his last fag, puts on a patch, and he hasn't had one since.

MIL calls this morning - I tell her that her beloved son has quit smoking and she refuses to believe me, so I laid the law down. Basically, if he doesn't manage to quit, then I will not give him ONE second of grief about it, and I told her that I expect the same from her. This went down like a tart in the back of a Mini. Hubby comes home and nearly has a panic attack cos I told MIL that he'd quit, cause she is such a control freak, that even at 42, hubby is scared that she will see him as a failure. I then told him that if she gives him any grief, she will have to come through me, and that if he starts smoking again, that is his wish and if she has a problem with him over it, she is going to have me come down on her like a ton of s***.

End of.

TBH Mrs O, I think you would be best to not discuss your Hubby with his Mum, then she can't pick holes in him and cause his fears to emerge.

I know you probably slipped up in what you said beacuse she sounds like you have to humour her and keep up a converstaion with her, but you really should be more careful what you tell seeing as she is so critical about her son!

I understand what you're saying, Lisa, but it wasn't really a discussion, just me dropping it into the conversation, and she picked up on it like a hawk.

I would never discuss anything that he has ever told me with her - he's told me things about his life that she has no idea about, and I do respect his privacy. He and I are incredibly close and he can tell me anything, but as far as she's concerned, he just clams up and won't tell her anything. You'd think that at 42, he shouldn't have to feel like that anymore.

I think part of it is I want her to be proud of him for once, but if he fails I won't tolerate her giving him a hard time. He's been a heavy smoker for many years, and it's fantastic that he's doing his best to quit, but as I say, if he starts again, I will not give him a hard time, but he is scared she will - trouble is, she's not reckoned on me yet.

GOD she's so overbearing it drives me nuts, but I can tell when she knows she's gone too far, and she knows that too.

Hi mrs_o, I get what you mean, but she sounds so awful that I think I just wouldn't offer anything, even little snippets of info, as she sounds as though nothing pleases her!!

My MIL and Hubby haven't spoken for almost two years and she still makes little digs about him when I visit, which I reprimand her for! I found she is so desperate for info on him she is practically foaming, but I stay schtum and the only thing I say is how fabulous he is!!

Your MIL sounds a real handful!

my mother in law is evil, she will do anything to make my life hell and is always trying to have a go at me, she is constantly telling me how i stole her son away from her and its my fault he doesnt see her much anymore, she goes as far as to try telling my hubby to divorce me to threatning to kill her self if he refuses to go round to her house. what makes it worse is she has recently moved house and is now only a few streets away from where we live

Jeez, Dippy - you make my life sound easy.. *hugs you*

Don't fall for it. She sounds like she is an attention seeker, and you and your husband should stick close together and not fall for it. Stay strong and talk to each other, and you will find a way through. She won't kill herself - these are idle threats designed to try and cause trouble between you both.

Your life is yours, and your relationship with your husband should be unaffected by this. It's not fair on you.

This is what I keep telling my husband - it's OUR life now, the one we have made together, and as much as we care for his parents, and even my Dad, we are grown adults and will not be treated like 2 kids that have got a new toy. If you love your husband as much as I love mine, you will be able to stand up and tell her to eff the eff off. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Going to the in-laws tomorrow, for a meal. I asked hubby if she had called him, as she said she would a few days ago - she hadn't so, I suggested he call her, which I know he was dreading. As expected, he couldn't get a word in edgeways.. you could hear the stress in his voice and it made me madder than hell.

(Had a very bad day - hubby had to go to one of my old clients houses, who was found dead this morning, and I am MEGA upset, the other carer that went to her came here for a brew with me, and we ended up sobbing on each other, and I am worried sick about my best friend who is in a world of hurt at the mo - but these are separate stories)

TBH, the last thing I want tomorrow is to go there, but I will do it with good grace, and attempt to behave myself. IF she starts on him about the smoking, and making a big deal out of it, I will tell her straight. We are not kids, we will NOT be treated as such, but I know my husband knows what my temper can be like, and that scares him.. Last thing I want..

mrs_o, does your Hubby have any siblings and if so, is MIL the same with them?

Also did he stay/live at home until he met you, cause she seems to believe he is still a child she manipulate?

Good Luck with the Meal!

Sorry about your bad news

Fanx Lisa.. *hugs ya*

We actually had a really nice time in the end, went round to see hubbys best mate and his wife, who are lovely, and had a good natter (they live next door to in-laws)

MIL on best behaviour, no mention of the smoking, and no hassle about anything else. Hubby went into Parent Mode, but he's calmed down now..