This is my first time doing this but you all seem so friendly and full of advice that I want to share my dilemma with you.
I have a son who is nearly 10, who I have brought up single handed since birth (well since being 5 months pregnant actually). I think I have done a damn good job but I know that questions about his father are not going to be too far away.
I have tried to make contact with him on several occasions over the 10 years but his response is 'the time isnt right'. His father has never wanted to be a part of his life, has never contacted us, never sent a card, never emailed - although I have always ensured that he has my contact details. He does not give me any contact details. He has a son from a previous marriage (who will be my son's half brother), and a step son with his partner.
He pays maintainence and has done so for 9 years. How can someone know that he has a child in the world, pay regularly and never once think to ask how he is. I do not think he has told his family about my son - and I don't want him to be a 'dark' secret. I would very much appreciate your help as I am not sure what to do.
Moral dilema certainly, but not for you, you have done everything right, you are commited to your son and have done everything you could to encourage his father to have a relationship with your son.
Sadly you can do nothing else. You cannot make this man face up to his emotional responsibility to his son, although credit where it's due at least he contributes financially, some don't. But it's not enough really.
I think all you can do is explain the situation to your son as honestly as you can. That although his father has not had contact with him he cares enough to make sure that you both have money, but that sadly he's not up for a proper relationship. I know it will be hard for both of you, but you are the one thats been there all his life, and you will be there forever.
Rejection is never easy for a child, and this will certainly feel like one for him, so the words you use when you tell him about his father will need very careful consideration.
I wonder if perhaps you can't ask your GP or health visitor to refer you to a child psychologist or some other form of advice so that you can ask them how best to deal with it?
Your son is lucky in that he has a mother who cares for him so much that she is willing to put her own personal feelings towards his father to one side in order to encourage them to have a relationship with each other. I know I'd be aboslutely furious with the father for treating my child this way and it takes a very mature mind to realise that this doesn't help your son.
I wish there was a simple answer to this one, but I do wish you all the best with it.
You have summed it up perfectly. I wasnt looking for anyone to take sides, and haven't done that - just given your own view on it. And I appreciate it.
Sometimes it drives me to distraction and then I forget about it for a while - hence trying to contact only about every couple of years. I keep my true feelings for him very much inside and this I felt was a way of dissipating them - an outlet. My son doesn't know how I really feel and I want him to also make his own decisions in time.
I was sounding out whether this situation is common because it can be a lonely and frustrating situation. Thanks again for your reply
It's not a "moral dilemma". The father has made a choice that most people probably sdo not understand, or sympathise with.
But he seems to have made a clear choice. And he's not alone, is he? Take a look around and you will see quite a lot of parents (usually male) who have little to do with their child(ren). Some ever prefer not to pay for them.
One important point not to overlook. Don't assume your child wants or needs contact just because *you* think it's a good thing or have history with him.
Plenty of children and adults who grew up with a parent taking no interest really can't be bothered with that parent. Read famous people who never knew their dads (such as the Gallager brothers, or athletes Kelly Holmes and Denise Lewis) and they are way past caring about men who didn't bother.
