Can someone give me some advice???
My partner and I have 4 children. He has 2 boys and a girl who live with their mother from his previous marriage and I have 1 son who lives with us. The little girl is the youngest (3 years old) and often the naughtiest. We have access at weekends and it is at this point that all the arguments start as my partner constantly gives in to his daughter and sticks up for her by pretending he hasn’t seen her do something when she starts behaving badly. He talks to her totally different and never seems to get angry with her like he does the others when they are naughty and she is by far the worst behaved. His tolerance levels just go on and on.
He gives her all his attention and the others seem to be in the background all the time. She is very selfish and expects to be given anything she wants and regularly throws tantrums which I tell him to ignore. (This is how the older boys say she behaves at home.)
When I first started going out with my partner it was obvious that his children were spoilt and it has taken lots of time and hard work to get to where we are as my partner treated all of them so differently as does their mother. We now try and treat them all the same and I have a tough time ensuring that the same rules apply to all of them. We use things such as the naughty step and don't give attention to bad behaviour and have a star chart.
The only place this falls down is with his daughter as he can see no wrong and lets her get away with murder.
All I can see is the wedge between us getting bigger and the arguments are unbearable as I get so frustrated. I cannot seem to talk to him about it as all he sees is me picking on her which isn’t true I just want all the children to be treat the same. This winds me up so much as I feel it for the other children who are now starting to see that she gets away with so much.
The only reason I can think my partner is like this is because he feels guilty for leaving the family home due to the breakdown in his marriage when his daughter was only 18months old. Any help or advice would be much apreciated as I am at the end of my teather.

Hi Lizzy, I do understand how you feel, been there, done that and bought the t-shirt but thankfully it didn`t last long with my Hubby because he cottoned on very quickly that his Daughter was playing Mum and Dad against each other, just to get what she could out of them and understandably Mum and Dad felt guilty because of the split and spoilt her but as I say it didn`t last long because I had two children already and he had a Son as well as the Daughter and like you I wanted them all treated the same way, he did treat his Son and my two fine though, so at least I didn`t have that worry but his little girl did get away with murder, which was very frustrating for me, especially as she was a total c*w to me behind her Dads back but he soon sussed that too

Your partner really isn`t doing her any favours because she will only get worse as she gets older and alot of teenagers are hard enough anyway and she sounds bad enough now and it also won`t be long before his two Sons see that their Sister is being treated very differently and the resentment will settle in and also for your Son

It actually got to the stage where we would take Hubbys children home and I would start dreading the next weekend straight away, we had row after row over it in the first year we were together, which I wasn`t prepared to put my two children through, so it was make or break, either he realised what was going on or we split, thankfully as I say, it didn`t last long and was sorted out but only because I wasn`t going to sit back and watch what he was doing, knowing it was unfair on the other children, there was no talking to him all the time he was so blinkered but when it came to the crunch, we sat down and I was able to explain how things look from the outside and how unfair it was on the other children and me, he had no idea about alot of what was going on because he was so consummed with guilt and wanting to make it up to his "baby" as if his Son understood it all, which of course he didn`t but all my Hubby could see was that his little girl was upset he left, his Son was too but being older had learnt to accept the situation and was just pleased to see his Dad regularly but of course, that didn`t give him the extra attention but then he didn`t play on it until things were pointed out to him, I can honestly say he had no idea what he was putting everyone through because of his Daughter but he did make changes and it saved out relationship

We had more trouble with her when we got married but because Hubby knew exactly what she was doing, he was able to deal with it straight away before it got out of hand and because he was actually doing something and not pandering to her, it didn`t effect our relationship or the other children. Unless your partner is able to sit down and listen to what you are saying and take it on board and then act accordingly, I fear you have a rocky road ahead, especially as she gets older because I know how I felt for that first year and I was ready to throw the towel in, are you and your partner on speaking terms with her Mum? if so, maybe the three of you could get together and have a chat, if her Brothers say shes like that with her too, it can`t be brilliant for them or the Mum having to deal with her, if not, just keep trying to talk to your partner, the penny has to drop eventually, he may already see that what your saying is correct but hes male and its the pride thing but once a few things have been pointed out to him, I hope he decides on his own to do something for all your sake. Good luck

Sorry this has turned into an essay but I could write a book on step parents and children

Hi Southern Girl

Thanks for the reply, nice to know there are others out there who have the same experiences. I have pointed it out to my Partner and at the time when we have fallen out about it he seems to take on board what I say and he says its hard for him and he will try, but it soon wears off and gets to be as bad as it was before. She has already started to give me the stare so I know the worst is yet to come as she gets older, what I am really looking for is how I can get my Partner to change because unless he does, she won't. Do you have any ideas on what I can do to snap him out of it, because I can't continue to argue and fall out with him?

If your partner does take on board what you have said to him Lizzy then at least thats a start, although short lived but when you notice it wearing off, can you not mention that hes slipping backwards and that that is just going to confuse his Daughter and not help her in the long run? It always amazes me that parents who have bratts can`t see it themselves because other people certainly can, I love my children but I can see their bad points

Hi Sourthern Girl

Thanks again for the reply, you have been mot helpful.

hi lizzy its always the way when dealing with step children though isn't it? you really need to talk to your partner

my daughter can do no wrong.... EVER