Please, please some advice/opinions - I am getting totally desperate!!

I have two boys, one 3 years 3 mths and one 22 mths. My older boy is SO aggressive towards his brother that I can barely leave them alone for more than 30 seconds at a time. Have tried everything - we have 'time out' corner, toys confiscated, reward chart etc, but NOTHING changes his behaviour. He bites, pushes, kicks, the whole lot and it happens every day.

Feel like my relationship with him is just disintegrating and don't know what else to try. I'm really angry with myself for shouting at him (a lot) but I am so frustrated - just get so upset at the hurt he is causing the little one and worried that soon it will be a serious injury.
I know I am also hurting him by shouting but feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall.

Has anyone else been in this situation/got any advice or ideas? When I ask him why he does it his answer is 'because' (perfect 3 year old logic). Am thinking of going to a child psychologist as I feel so desperate about it and it's reduced me to tears a few times.

i am in the same situation as you hun, my 8 year old attacks my 5 year old on a regular basis, i took them to what i thought was a therapist, but they have said i have parenting issues and that i am too soft my eldest witnessed my abusive relationship and thinks that hitting her sister is the way to go, but obviously it isn't. perhaps talking to your health visitor would help? she may be able to advise you in how to control your eldest? don't feel like you are alone, i have to say, me and my brother fought like cat and dog till i moved out! if you need to chat, i'm here

Try not to be to worried, your 3 year old must find it hard to share you. ive been there. You cauld take your son to one side and ask for his help. make him feel like you need him,ask him if he could help you take care of his brother with you. say that you are pleased with him and you want his brother to turn out the same when his older and more grown up like him.Ask his advise and make him feel inportant. you might feel like you want to frottle him at times but if your 3 year old is helping you with little jobs and playing with his brother somtimes, he might feel he is getting more of your time. Try and make it all possitive but remember he is still only a baby his self. IT WORKED FOR ME. BEST OF LUCK X

My heart goes out to you. My own children were too far apart in age for this to happen (ten years) BUT my best friend's two boys were the same age gap as your two. The elder one (who was a lovely lad really) was so violent towards his younger brother (my godson) that my friend was in despair. This went on the WHOLE time and was very worrying. To be honest I used to dread going to see her (we were and are vry close) as the whole time would be spent in drama and tears and her shouting at the elder child, whom I felt so sorry for (his brother WAS very annoying at times).

Obviously we knew it was due to extreme (and natural, really) jealousy. I did think as an observer that my friend unwittingly made it seem to the elder boy that she 'preferred' the younger one - she did not really - it was just that he was so much smaller and more vulnerable and NOT the instigator - but myself I felt it would have helped to visibly double or triple her efforts in love and appreciation of the elder boy and to be as firm with the little one as she was with him.

I don't have any easy answers other than that and what the last poster said about getting him to feel important and responsible and help you - a little shared gentle fun at the expense of the little one maybe 'my! he IS a silly boy sometimes isn't he, thank goodness I have my Big Boy to help me!' BUT I do have some long-term comfort to offer you.

Despite never getting on during their preschool years, things improved when the boys were at school, and now one is 19 and one 17. They are good friends and very close. When my godson passed his driving test the other day, his elder brother was on hand to congratulate him and was as thrilled as if he had passed himself. So your problems now need not mean that there will be any long-lasting hatred between the two. I know that might seem a very long way off.. but I hope it helps.

Wishing you all the best.

i was going to say basically the same as little big woman and tillia, post's maybe your older son is jealous and hit's out at him for being born,the older son needs to feel he is needed in your life still,you can do things with him like painting cooking,well not cooking but he can help you in the kitchen,all kids need to feel wanted no matter how old they are.

Thank you all for your words. It really does help. We have had a couple of good days and I am determined to build on that!

I must make more effort to involve the older one in jobs etc rather than rushing through them in the hope he doesn't hurt the younger one while I am busy. little_big_woman is right - he is still a baby himself and sometimes I feel so guilty about how quickly he has had to grow up. That's one of the problems with having two so close together.

I think it's taken me a while to realise that it is a jealousy issue as we didn't have any problems when the younger one was first born. But I am determined to get it sorted out. Tillia - your words are very wise and have really helped me clarify things in my own head.

Jet the jinx - hope this doesn't sound awful, but it helps just to know that I am not the only one! I guess if you've been in an abusive relationship then it is slightly different for your two, but hope you are working through it as well.

Thank you all so much.

it doesn't sound awful hun, it does help to know you ain't alone hope things work out for you soon

It's awful at the time. Trust me it does get better. Been there, done that. Years on, you could not come across two brothers closer. They talk, share their problems, support each other, and would do anything for the other one. Oh I do have to say here, they still argue at times, really badly sometimes, but they always work it out.