An extreme view, and one I'm not sure will be recieved well, but I have recently started questioning the family aspect of my life, in particular: who says you have to love your parents?
Why do we feel duty-bound to 'love' our parents, when some of them are incapable of showing unconditional care and selflessness towards their children? Why does society believe it's so scandalous for a child to estrange itself from its parents or, in some cases, divorce them? In my case, why am I burdened with a sense of guilt for estranging myself from my father even although I have decided that as a person, I don't actually like or respect the man?
Please don't misunderstand me. I have two parents, both of whom raised me to be a fairly well-rounded individual. I consider myself priveliged in this respect. They are both educated, refined people- but scratch the surface and, just like any other family unit, you will find problems. Unfortunately, things came to a head last Autumn, and I walked out of my parental home, and have not spoken to my father since. Sad as it may be, I don't actually WANT to build any bridges with the man, as I have come to realise that although he is my father, I abhor his manipulative behaviour, his insecurities, and the nasty streak which made him turn on me and tell me never to darken his doorstep again. (Like I said, I've been brought up as a well-rounded individual. Never had police at the door, a teenage pregnancy, or even as much as a detention at school)
Coming to the conclusion that my father is someone that I can't actually be bothered with (to hate would show that I care) has been an uphill stuggle for me, because it feels fundemantally WRONG. It is taken as read that all children grow up to love and respect their parents and my mother often tells me that my father simply loves me 'too much', as if this should explain his behaviour. After years of feeling vaguely sympathetic that this might be true, I've decided it isn't. I've also decided I don't love him either.
I feel as if there is some automatic default in my conscience which assures me that one day, my father and me will be back on speaking terms- but I know we probably won't, until he apologises and makes a genuine effort to change, and stop mistreating my mother and me. Being a realist therefore, I feel that our rift is permanant- but I cannot help this overriding feeling of 'this isn't right.'
I know other people who have estranged themselves from their families- and parents- in such a way. Previously I would have thought this was very sad, but I am now coming to realise how commonplace it is.
What I'm trying to say is: being family isn't a reason to be loved.
Harsh, but, I feel, true. Does anyone else agree with me?
It may sound silly, but my theory is that all family should be loved but not necessarily liked (unless there are serious issues of course)
I don't know how I came up with this when I was 12, but I remember asking my mum "do you like me?" and she said "of course, i love you" and I replied "No, but do you like me". And she looked at me smiling and replied "lots". I have a cousin I love, but don't like to be in the same room with for more than 30 minutes because all he does is complain all the live-long day. And unfortunately, due to my own stupidity, I love my father, even though he's been awful to my mother and I. But I definitely don't like him.
That's just my little theory
I also hadn't spoken to my father in almost two years, and altogether it's been on and off for almost 5 years. Recently my boyfriend has brought up the subject of marriage, and it made me think as much as I despise him, I do want him at my wedding (call me crazy, I know, but I can't help it). So I then spoke to a friend's mum who said she had major problems with her brother, and all she does is phone him, once a month, and have a short conversation. She suggested I do the same. So I do now. For the past 4 months, I have called him for a 10 minute chat once a month, and that's that. If he's not there, I leave a message, and don't call back til the next month. This suits me just fine.
Originally posted by vbland: It's never a child's duty to keep in touch with a parent. But, particularly if you've had bad ones, you have a right to walk away.
I haven't spoken to my dad since last June, and we live on the same street. I've accepted that nothing i do or say will make him respect me and my family. My mom just acts like he's still part of my life though even though he has behaved badly to her too.
----------------------------- Lift up the receiver I'll make you a believer
Chica - I don't think you should feel at all guilty about it, or feel that you should love him. Sometimes parents do the most selfish things to their children - not mine, I have to say, they've always stood by me even though they might not have necessarily agreed with what I was doing. But I've known other people whose parents had nothing more to do with their kids simply because the parents put their reputation/other family members first. Your kids should come first.
Mine certainly will when she's old enough to make her own mistakes! I know I'm being quite specific here and this may not apply to you, I just mean that I know this happens and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
"One day a black cloud appeared in my office, and shortly after that I departed - under it."
Thanks for the comments everyone. I'd like to make it clear that my father always used to encourage me while I was growing up and was in no way outwardly abusive to me. It was simply that his standards for me were too high and I never felt I could meet them- nor did I want to. He ridiculed me for only being interested in 'boys and pop music' when I was a teen, little realising I was never popular with boys and my musical taste is more eclectic than a lot of my peers. Even recently, the last time I saw him, he tried to tell me, in a roundabout way, that I should be aiming higher than my current job- I took great exception to that, as I'm 27 now, and an adult living an independent life.
The sad irony is that his own mother's constant criticism and put-downs led him to become one seriously screwed-up individual. I've made the decision to walk away in my late twenties because I don't want that to happen to me either.
When my father doesn't like what he hears, or when he realises that he can't manipulate someone, he lashes out verbally- and he has been lashing out at me ever since I hit adolesence and started forming opinions of my own.
This is why I can't love or respect him- mainly because I can see right through him.
I can totally relate to what you are saying about not loving your father.
I had the same feelings towards my father but for different reasons to yourself but I will not go into detail about on here as this is your thread.
Even up until his death when he apologised, I found it hard to even stomach his apologies on his death bed. Your feelings about somebody is something only you can work out and control yourself. I tried to love my father but I found it very difficult to do this. I did eventually learn to forgive him but that was about as much as I could do.
Your father needs to try and accept you for who you are but most importantly, you need to accept yourself and it appears you are doing this.
I agree with you, Secret smiler, love and like are two different things. I love my dad but I don't like him as a person, I couldn't sit down and have a conversation with him.
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This is really difficult, I was abused as a child by my adopted dad, my parents are still together and everything blew up back when I was 17. I am now 37 and it wasn´t until my late 20´s that my father apologised to me for all the beatings that he gave me. I do love my Dad but there are certain times even now that when I see his temper I don´t like him.
My eldest daughter has completely broken ties with her father (my ex-husband), she hates him, she hasn´t spoken to him for 3 years and is looking into changing her name. During our divorce he lied and manipulated her into situations, she realized what a nasty person he really was and now has nothing to do with him.
It is so sad what some parents do to their children, it´s having that power over something so small, so small they can´t answer back. Parents are there to love YOU, and protect YOU and above all else no matter what you DO they should be PROUD!
I hear what you´re saying and you are right there are parents out there that aren´t proud of their children that don´t protect them or love them. I am proud of my children, I stick by them with what ever mistakes they make or what ever wrong decisions they make and I love them unconditionally.
As a parent it is hard watching your children grow up, I have a daughter who is now 18 and I still find it hard to let her grow up and be an adult, I have to really bite my tongue and allow her to grow. I get very protective with my children and if anybody hurts them I am there like a bullet, but now with my 18 year old I have to let go and be there for her if things go wrong.
I am horrified that your friends mum did what she did she should be locked up!!!
Do you feel that your parents aren´t proud of you or love you?
Children are a gift to parents at the end of the day if we didn´t have them we would be forgotten.
i get how u say "abused" but there aint nout no one can do cuz i can get out soon i nt love my family i did but they hav never loved me therefore i am now sortov numb to it and it hurts more in the mind that fisicly why they do it but there is nothing i can do til i get away and ppl say use the help lines n all this i dont want all that i dnt wanna go in a home n all that stuff its madness to do that to ur self but so is stayin in my situation im stuk the onli way out is the thing every one quivers at and i hav tried but i cant giv up that easy even tho sometimes i am that close to it xxxx
I´m sure your parents do love you, but sometimes they may not like what you or your brothers or sisters do. It is hard been a parent just as hard as growing up in your teens. Each day I´m faced with a new task with my kids and each one of them is different and just because I tell them off doesn´t mean I don´t love them. My kids mean the world to me and I do try to do my best as a parent and I do stuff up alot of the time.
Sometimes I feel my head wanting to explode as all my children are at different stages of growing up, an 18 year old just discovering men, a 14 year old girl who´s hormones are causing her problems with her weight and she´s very brave with her attitude (which is getting her into trouble at school), a 10 year old who´s just found hairs growing under her armpits (bless her), a 5 year old boy who gets angry with his sisters bossing him around (I´m always sticking up for him), then I have a 1year old who thinks she can climb mount everest and a 5 month old who gets frustrated because she wants to do things that she cant.
I do try and I love them with all their little highs and lows. I am blessed to have 6 beautiful children.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and when I was growing up i only liked 1 of my sisters and 1 of my brothers, now I´m older I get on better with the other brother and the other sister ... that´s really strange.
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