hi, im 24 and have two children who are turniing one and two in a few weeks. i suffer with severe depression and i find things really hard. i am on medication for this a tablet in the mornin and 2 sleepin tablets at nite. i do my general day to day things like clean the house frm top to bottom and then wash, dry and iron the clothes. cook the dinners and everything else. my partner plays on the pc all day and all nite and goes to bed in the early hrs and then wakes up frm 2pm onwards. i feel so alone though because it feel like im a single mum most of the time. but i love him so much and i would never leave him. but i just feel so alone because i live miles away frm any family of my own i moved to his own town to make him happy, my nan even paid for a nice house for us and brought us a new car. but i am reallly alone in all this . any advice would be appreciated

It seems to me that your husband must no that you would never leave him, because he knows what he can get away with.You must start to put your foot down. If he love you as much as you love him he will understand.Tell him if he helps you with jobs and gives you help with the babys you can both have free time. He could go on the p.c when the kids are in bed, for a few hours. say that you would love to spend time with him and the kids as a family, going to the park ect. Remember your only be treated as bad as your let your self be. good luck be strong jude x

Ditto the above.

You should definitely let your partner know how you feel because he may not even realise what you're going through and, therefore, if he doesn't see that there is a problem, he isn't going to do anything to change the situation. Talk to him and see if anything changes. Every relationship is about finding the right compromise between various things and striking the balance that suits everyone. Best of luck and hope you feel better soon.

thanx for the replys but ive tried speaking to my partner and every time i bring the subject up it ends in a big row. so why bother? i really do not know what to do, maybe its my own fault because i have always done everything for him, he just keeps sayin tht i amm too houseproud, but i just like everything to be clean, and remain clean for as long as possible

He knows you'll always be by his side, whether he helps you out in the home or not and he's taking advantage of this. I would suggest showing a little more independence, being less needy of him, and perhaps something you can do to make him a bit jealous of you, i.e. buying a new outfit so that he'll know you may attract the opposite sex from time to time (not that you have to have an affair or anything). Remember, familiarity breeds contempt. Also and this may be difficult, let him know that you can cope/live without him. This may all seem 'easier said than done', but just DO IT! Even if it's just superficially. Men like him need to learn that the world doesn't revolve round him.

YES, all of the above. you could also go out on your own once a week ie swimming or the gym. That will release some happy hormones. Exercise is a very good way to help with depression. Leave the house work for a while and work on mending your self. You might find if your happier and have a out the house life, it might make your partner sit up and see he has a lot to lose. YOUR NOT IN A DRESS REHERSAL. THIS IS YOUR LIFE, HAVE A GOOD GO AT MAKING IT BETTER. YOU CAN DO IT. LUV JUDE

thanx, wiping tears frm my face now. u are so thoughtful. i have brought new clothes in the past and he accuses me of cheatin on him. even if i say im taking the kids to the park for a bit he says ive gt a another man. so i may sound dumb to you guys but ive tried. but i think its a good idea to try and get out for a bit on my own because i need space to think. i really dont know what to do with myself. i love him so much and i can never leave him because i will be a failure without him. my mum wass a single parent and i dont want this for my children because he is the best dad in the world. CONFUSED :-(

catkyleellie, are you having any further input from outside sources for your depression? And how long have you been taking the meds?
If you've not long started on the meds, perhaps they're taking a while to kick in- some can take up to a couple of months to kick in. If you've been on them a while, then perhaps you might want to go back to the G.P and tell him exactly how you're feeling.
It sounds to me as though your depression is not being managed as well as it could be. You cannot rely on your partner to be the reason why you are happy and without wishing to sound unkind, dont forget that it is very hard to be the partner of someone suffering from depression. He may not understand what the problem is, he may blame himself for your depression and maybe feeling guilty for that or he may just find it so hard to deal with that he is switching off emotionally to protect himself.
It might be wothwhile contacting your health visitor to find out about parent groups like Sure start (or anything else in your local area).
Please go and seek out any help you can find. Hope you find peace of mind soon

quote:

Originally posted by cat!kyle!ellie:
hi, im 24 and have two children who are turniing one and two in a few weeks. i suffer with severe depression and i find things really hard. i am on medication for this a tablet in the mornin and 2 sleepin tablets at nite. i do my general day to day things like clean the house frm top to bottom and then wash, dry and iron the clothes. cook the dinners and everything else. my partner plays on the pc all day and all nite and goes to bed in the early hrs and then wakes up frm 2pm onwards. i feel so alone though because it feel like im a single mum most of the time. but i love him so much and i would never leave him. but i just feel so alone because i live miles away frm any family of my own i moved to his own town to make him happy, my nan even paid for a nice house for us and brought us a new car. but i am reallly alone in all this . any advice would be appreciated

You are not alone, you have a partner & 2 lovely children, you have a house that is paid for, and a new car.

You feel alone because you get lost in routine, which is hardly surprising sinse you have 2 small children you care for & love.
When does your routine contain your partner?

Does he work? Have you any interests yourself?

How much support do you get?
Its tough if you have no family near to you, I live with the same thing - my choice.

We all clean! But with 2 small children, it shouldnt be top priority in your life, you do that to make YOU feel better ---- cleaning can wait, all 4 of you should do something instead, like going out in your new car,playing in the garden, or walking ---- dust always comes back, people dont.

Its time you made a change, quit the tablets, take control and let your partner fill that void of loneliness, also your partner should cut down his PC use -- he needs to love you more, and if you cant communicate --- send him an e-mail or ask him to leave. If you love him, you should put forward your feelings to him, or if you really love him - let him go.

If he comes back, realises & changes, it was meant to be.

Be strong, you have alot to be thankful for.
Remember that when putting your children to bed ......and cleaning your toilet
You'll be ok.

quote:

Originally posted by cat!kyle!ellie:
thanx, wiping tears frm my face now. u are so thoughtful. i have brought new clothes in the past and he accuses me of cheatin on him. even if i say im taking the kids to the park for a bit he says ive gt a another man. so i may sound dumb to you guys but ive tried. but i think its a good idea to try and get out for a bit on my own because i need space to think. i really dont know what to do with myself. i love him so much and i can never leave him because i will be a failure without him. my mum wass a single parent and i dont want this for my children because he is the best dad in the world. CONFUSED :-(

How could you be a failure? My mother was a single parent with 4 kids - though my grandparents bought us up, my mother was always working hard ......she never failed me.

He is failing you, but you have to work at it too.

Does he not tell you how beautiful you look in your new clothes?
Do you not think you two need to kickstart your relationship somehow?

You love him, but it seems he is taking no interest in you, let alone the children.

Arrange a babysitter perhaps, be brave, make the move - disconnect him, so you both can go out for a meal, or a movie w/ever ... a walk, a few hours to find yourselves *you say you love him

You are not alone, there is always someone to help you, find that help.

Put the cleaning on hold - do something else with that time.
All the best.

quote:

my nan even paid for a nice house for us and brought us a new car

I wish I had a nan who'd do that for me.

It's lovely that you love your partner unconditionally like that, but don't let it be an entrance for being taken advantage of. You need to lay down some rules and tell him bye if he doesn't heed to them. In the end, you'll end up feeding each other's hurts. For someone who does nothing but go online every day, he sounds more like the depressed one than you. What a spoilt and ungrateful man he sounds too. All relationships are 'heavy' and all we can do is give 'superficial' opinions, as we don't know you. Just listen to your heart and act upon what it's saying. If something doesn't feel right then it's not. From personal experience, people have given me advice year after year, and in the end you can end up with too much! I think you already know deep down what's to be.

Don't let what happened to my mum happen to you. She moved 300 miles away from her family to be with the man of her dreams and she did nothing but nurse him just 6 months into the marriage and she was a widow at 34. She had no one to turn to either and her family more or less disowned her, because their precious daughter moved away. How about your partner being a gentleman and putting the lady in his life first and move back to be with your family? In that way, you've taken it in turns as regarding moving.

Katkyleellie ive had an idea,to stop your partner geting jealous why dont you go to a keepfit class at you lesuire centre,[a ladys class]you can then ask your partner if he wants to take you there,then he and the childen can go swimming or a playroom. You can meet up in the cafe after. He might just let you go out on your own. Just an idea it might work. keep going strong, you will get there luv jude x

If he really loved you, he'd give his right arm for you. As Miss Fussy says, one can get too much advice and not act upon it. Good luck!!

Ditch him, lovey. Lazy git he is.

thanx again for all the advice i know that they are good inputs. jude it sounds a good idea that last one thank you

quote:

Originally posted by Lacquer:
Ditch him, lovey. Lazy git he is.

My thoughts exactly!

You & your children dont need someone like
that hun.x

Reading this was like i had typed it!

Does he smoke?

my Other half is very similar and i moved away from my family to be closer to his to make him happy too, which in turn made me a little unhappy.

Apart from the meds (and own house and car) my situation was practically the same a couple of years ago including the suspition (sp) of cheating (he saw a pen with hearts on it on the side and was all like where did that come from blah blah i just siad to him its been knocking around for ages it was in a bundle my mom gave to me when he gave me that look i shouted at him how stupid are you ITS A PEN FGS!!)

i now go out clubbing with his sister once every couple of months and just let my hair down. And recently have started to go round to my new neighbours (2 women) for a few drinks on a friday night sometimes not coming back until 3am (i know hes still awake so its not like hes worrying trying to go to sleep!) he kicks off but i just dont care or atleast thats what i make him think it has gotten better as a result dont be so scared to lose him and he will realise this and try harder. If he doesnt then hes not worth being unhappy for.

With the thinking your cheating thing make him realise how stupid he sounds, if he has a problem with you taking the kids to the park invite him along as your just about ready to go (no chance to call off the 'meeting' he thinks you have set up) and if he doesnt want to go (which mine didnt) then just go offf in a huff once your kids get a little older they will guilt trip him into it mine did

The staying up all night on pc and not getting up until just before work i still havent cracked tbh, i thought i had he started getting up a bit earlier etc. but its gone back to how it was now, but he says he has trouble sleeping so i'm working on that one


The best thing i would say to do is to go and stay with YOUR family for a day or two leave him to his own devices prearrange it dont just do a flit but the quiet empty house that doesnt clean its self may give him a shock and make him realise how much you do and how much he loves you all, plus the break away from the pressure of doing everything will do you good too i always feel better after i go to my mom, dad and younger brother and i drag two kids by train too

i really hope you sort things out and feel happy again soon and dont worry if you get those thoughts of leaving him to move back closer to your family cos i know i did and if it comes to it and you just cant get through to him then just focus on making yourself happy

Good Luck xxx

ahh at last some one who is where i am, thanx for the advice much appreciated. but i reallly dont know whats gonna happen with this crap, i know that we will stay together because my mum was a sungle mum and i know how hard it was for her, so i dont wanna go dwn tht road at all. but things will sort them selves out soon i hope because i dont know what wd happen otherwise because the doctor says that my depressiion is gettin worse. i love him so much and i wish he wd realise this and help me be the best mum in the world

i haven't read all the replies, but i just wanted to say that i have suffered severe depression in the past and you are not alone hun. the best thing to do is to treat your depression first, it may change your outlook on life. if you haven't already, pop along to your doctors and explain how things are to them, it may be that you might need to go on anti-depressants for a while, if you don't like the idea of taking pills, you could always try Cognitive Behavioral therapy, this is very good for depression and can give you back some of the confidence you seem to be lacking. secondly, live your life. don't feel that all you can do is stay in and clean and do things only a mother would do, because you aren't just a mother, you are a person with needs. go out with friends and enjoy yourself, get your partner to have the kids. if you don't have many friends, get yourself down to a mother and toddler group where you can meet new people, even if it's only an hour a week, it's still a good way of gaining confidence. i really wish you well and hope you can turn things around for your sake as well as your kids, your feelings will be known by the kids, they will sense them. *hugs*

hi,its your so called partner,hes the problem,lazy and looking at other women on the sites when you are out of it,dont bother telling him anymore,the squabbles aint worth it,leave the son of a bitch,go to your relatives stay away from him and do not beleive him when he says i love you or we are made for each other,GET RID..please go.

I was in a similar position except my husband was a workaholic and as we had our own business he ended up treating me as nothing more than a dogsbody. I know he loves our kids (2) but he would find any work he could to do rather than look after them.

By the time my youngest was 3 years old my husband had managed to avoid having sole responsibility for the kids for more than 30 minutes at any time - quite an achievement over a 6 year period.

Have now ditched him and am so much happier. Yes I'm a single parent as he lives a long way away, but he comes to stay a few times a year and my kids are fine about it so far.

You need to get your self worth back as this man will never change. He is in a comfort zone that he has no incentive to get out of. Do you want to feel like this for the next 18 years?

Whatever you decide best of luck.

Sorry - I've only just noticed how out of date this thread is. Please ignore!