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Oh hon.. what a rotten situation to be in.
How old is your baby? Old enough for you to maybe go and find a part time job if you can find the right childcare? It might give you some more financial independence.
I'm no expert, but it sounds to me as if you have post natal depression, and you need to get help from your doc or health visitor as soon as you can. It's not easy asking for help - I've been there and worn the t-shirt, but it is there.
As for your boyfriend, he needs to realise that being a parent is a full time job in itself, you work hard to care for your baby, provide all of you with a clean and happy home, and make sure that you aren't in debt by paying all the bills. I know from my own experiences that a lot of people will assume that you have it easy, but it's not the case. Sometimes it's easy to feel like a single mother even when you are not.
You say you love him, but do the two of you actually talk about this? Does he realise how unhappy you are? When you have a baby, your world gets blown apart. The life you had before just doesn't exist any more. I wonder if he's finding it hard to accept that. When I had my daughter, at 4AM in the morning when she had colic, and I was breastfeeding her, and her Dad was snoring away while I was trying to get her to sleep, I felt like the only person in the world. Of course I wasn't. Everyone goes through it. But I felt so resentful towards him, but didn't say anything because he was the one going out to work and coming home shattered, and I felt guilty for being at home all day with the baby and doing much the same as you, all the housework, cooking, paying the bills, even taking my baby and doing a Tesco run was a massive challenge, but I didn't open my mouth once and tell him how I felt.
My biggest regret is that we didn't talk. We split up when our daughter was 6 months old and it was me that ended it. He was devastated to the point where I lived with him as friends for a year so that he wouldn't miss out on seeing her grow up. I am lucky that we are still very good friends and he sees his daughter as often as he wants to, even though we live over 200 miles away now. IF you really want to leave this man, or want him to leave then think long and hard about it, please... it's tough being a single mum, and you need him on your side.
I have only one piece of advice for you - TALK TO HIM.
Go out, get someone else to look after the wee one and go somewhere neutral. Get it all off your chest and go from there. Listen to him in return, and go from there. It won't sort itself out overnight, but if you really want the three of you to be a family, that's what you need to do.
I wish you all the luck in the world, hon. xxx
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