After my successful attempt at killing the collaboration thread with my attempt at poor...poor poor poor...attempt at humour I was wondering what other peoples jokes were - the jokes that you utter forth and immediately realise you should have left them at the bottom of your wardrobe in a very secure box....
Mine are mostly essex girl jokes....and are far too risqué to be allowed on a respectable forum like this....
Cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. As the barman's pouring it the cowboy looks about him. "Where is everybody?" he says. "Gone to the hanging," says the barman. "Hanging?" says the cowboy. "Who they hanging?" "Brownpaper Pete," replies the barman. "Brownpaper Pete? Why do they call him that?" "Well," says the barman. "His hat's made of brownpaper, his shirt's made of brownpaper, his jacket's made of brownpaper and his trousers are made of brownpaper." "Really?" says the cowboy. "What they hanging him for?" "Rustling."
A man was driving along the coastal road in northern California when he decided to have a break and sit on the beach. While he was there a dolphin poked it’s head out of the water and said, “Hey mister – we need your help’ Not quite believing he was talking to a dolphin the man asked what he could do. “I belong to a special group and providing we can eat a parrot every five years we are immortal, but we need you to go and get dozen of them for us.” “But the area is deserted where would I find parrots round here?” The man replied. “The nearest pet shop is in Portland, Oregon but if you grant our wish the riches of the sea shall be yours.” The man agreed and drove to Portland to buy the parrots. “Sorry” said the pet shop owner showing the man some smaller black birds “We’re right out of parrots but we have these which come from the same family.” “I suppose they will have to do.” Replied the weary traveller and loaded the cages into the back of his pick up. He had just crossed back into California when he was pulled over by the police and arrested. The charge? Transporting mynas across a state line for immortal porpoises.
A magician was working in his lab when there was a knock at the door. A young lad stood there in a state of agitation and asked if he could help his Grandmother who had fallen down the stairs. “No, I haven’t got the time, now beat it!” Replied the magician. A short while later the same lad knocked again and asked if the magician could help get his gran into the car. “No replied the magician – I have very poor health and could injure my weak back. Now beat it!” The lad knocked again and as soon as the door was opened said “Listen you weird old man not only are you unfeeling but your breath stinks.”
“Of course it does.” Replied the magician. “I collect it in bottles and send it to China where they use it in a secret ceremony to turn little boys into donkeys. Now I won’t tell you again . . “ And with that he gave the lad a clip round the ear and sent him spinning.
Later on another knock at his door and the boys father stood there.
“I’ve come to sort you out.” He started. First you refuse to help my mother when she has fallen down, then you say you won’t help to get her into the car because you might hurt your back. Finally when my lad tells you you have bad breath you tell him some story and hit him. Who do you think you are?
And the magician replied:-
I am a super callous fragile mystic who exports halitosis.
Anyone got the number for the witness protection scheme?
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and the waiter Jervais, shows him a tank full of live fish, lobster, crab etc. Have you got any Squid the man asks? The waiter reluctantly points to a sad looking squid at the bottom of the tank. “That ugly green one is all we have sir”. “That will be fine” says the man. “But sir” says the waiter “it is so ugly and it has a hairy lip”. “That’s ok” says the man. “But he has been here since we opened sir no one has ever chosen him. Try the lobster it is fantastic!” The man insists on the squid and requests that it is prepared at the table.
The waiter stands with his knife poised over the quivering grotesquely green squid, then says he cannot do it. He will fetch the German dishwasher from the kitchen to dispatch the squid. Out from the kitchen emerges a huge menacing looking blond man with a scar across his cheek. He is sharpening a meat cleaver and approaches the table. However when he sees it is the green squid he bursts into tears and rushes back to the kitchen followed by the waiter.
“What is going on?” exclaims the man.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and says
(This bit should be sung)
“Hans that do dishes can be soft as Jervais with vile green hairy lipped squid!”
Sorry, i'll log off now.........
'All we see and seem is but a dream within a dream' Poe
A Jewish Grandmother is playing with her adored grandson on the beach one day, when a huge wave sweeps him off the shore and out of sight beyond the horizon.
Naturally, the grandmother is absolutely distraught. She weeps and wails, tears her hair out, falls to her knees and begs God to return her beloved grandson.
A few moments later, another huge wave crashes onto the shore, miraculously depositing the little boy back at his Grandmother's feet.
She looks down at the child, then looks back up to the heavens and says,
It's an old TV advertising Jingle. If you feel brave enough (or have absolutely nothing better to do) show the joke to a British friend and get them to sing it to you!
Naomi,
Bet you tell it next time your p*ssed in the pub.
'All we see and seem is but a dream within a dream' Poe
So this playwright walks into a bar and begins to act up. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave Sir," the barman tells him. "Why?" he asks. "Well Sir," the barman says, "we can't have you causing a scene now can we...."
So this playwright logs onto a forum and goes up to the toolbar. "I'll have a long slow comfortable screw against the wall," he says. "Sorry pal," the moderator tells him," all i've got's a long slow uncomfortable wait for an announcement..."
So this playwright, he walks into a cloakroom and, as is only right and proper, he gets his coat......
I've been playing this with my 4yr old nephew whose latest is;
so this giraffe walks into a teacup and... no..no...listen.... he...er ..ha...ha...ha..
exit throwing ketchup at me
very theatre of the absurd i thought. the bright red ketchup must be a metaphor for the pain and anguish of the loss of innocence or something? the boy's going to be a star
Adman - your signature? Is that a quote from the Life of Brian or an ancient classic?
A gag I overheard in a Las Vegas casino a year or two back ...
A broke American woman decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "it's been a bad weekend, I've lost on the loosest slots, shot a packet on Blackjack and dropped a thousand bucks on Roulette. If I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win on Keno tonight."
The American doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My kids will starve. Please just let me win just this once."
The American doesn't win. The following night she prays even harder "God, why won't you help me? I bought a Watchtower. I gave to the foundation at the Liberace Museum. Please, please help."
She doesn't win. She's about to pray again when suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the American hears God speak.
"Honey, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."
I don't know why, but I always find the idea of God talking in an American accent the funniest part!
I wonder if God hears George Bush speaking to him ...
I really liked Playfull - I really did....but after that I'm not sure we should let him return.
