Your old friend Swann1719 has come back to say hello - wow, even Adman has been here! I do miss our old discussions and the inspiration from this forum. I tried writersdock but never really got the hang of it.
In case you think you had the worst holidays in the world, think again. We spent a a grim non-drinking Christmas with the in-laws,where our continued residence in London came under a lot of high-stress criticism. We returned back to London to find our flat burgled - every last scrap of my jewelry, from graduation presents to maid-of-honor presents, from travels and people dear to me over my whole life - gone.
Then the next day, I had a miscarriage and lost a 7 week pregnancy. Now you see why I wasn't drinking over Christmas. I had also gone off all bipolar meds which was pretty challenging for my husband.
I will spare you the details but suffice it to say I got out of the hospital on Jan. 2.
But you know what - having bipolar disorder makes the emotional pain of a miscarriage relatively bearable. And I am very lucky to have one great kid already.
I seem to be, in response, developing a sort of life philosophy of trying to experience and enjoy the moment I am in.
It came from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind when Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey realise that their relationship will someday be irretrievably over. Kate says, "what do we do?"
Jim says, "Enjoy it."
So Minxy, Aurora, Sadie Sadie, Lewes, Jay, Adman, Shyboy, LML and everyone else, I hope you are enjoying it.
Things aren't all platitudes and sedating medication though. I have felt desperate to write, but completely unable to get into my play.
My situation is ludicrous - how can this play have taken me nearly five years? Why can't I finish it?
You may have noticed that Harriet Miers nomination to the Supreme Court was withdrawn. Remember how I used to sign off GOD, NO, NOT HARRIET? Maybe you don't, no one used to comment. But anyway, it's a small mercy but one to hold on to.
Your LIFE is a play! I dropped into this forum for the first time in months and I'm so sorry to hear about all your difficult events over Christmas. I can't begin to know what it's like to lose a pregnancy, but I too had all my jewellery stolen some years ago (including all the remaining family heirlooms that my grandmother had smuggled out of Germany in the hems of her clothes during the war!) and felt so utterly bereft and violated by the experience. I never really understood what 'irreplacable' meant until then. However, what I have found is that every single piece of jewellery I receive now has enormous significance and is much more appreciated than before. These are the NEW heirlooms I suppose.
I too had a HORRENDOUS spate of depression during the Autumn last year. I'd say it lasted 3 months in total and it was a lot to do with feeling creatively thwarted in every direction. I've been in a creative career for 16 years now and finally realised that my 'big break' dream was actually killing me! It took me those three months of misery to come to terms with the situation (for the first time in my life) and, although the process was intensely painful my approach to life is so fundamentally changed as a consequence that I'm very grateful for all that pain! I feel liberated at last! I'll always be a performer and writer but (echoing your own sentiments) I'm going to make the most of the opportunities I DO have, as opposed to hankering after MORE all the time.
Naturally, as soon as I came to that conclusion, unexpected opportunities started flooding into my life - whereas last year, when I was DESPERATE for opportunity, life went completely into suspended animation! I've just got my third writing commision - YES, I'm actually getting PAID - and the one-woman play I've been working on is going to be produced in the Spring. All seems like a dream. I'll keep you all posted!
So Swann, old friend and fascinating human being. I wish you luck and love and continued HUGE living. I realise that you must be on a rollercoaster much of the time, but wouldn't you rather have the euphoric highs (albeit paying the price with the dismal lows) than coast along on a straight, dull path? I know which I prefer!
I am very curious as to how you got over your thirst for more: my writing has turned into a millstone, and I feel like my "Big break dream" is actually killing me too. At least I feel that I have my creativity in a chokehold in the corner of my consciousness screaming at it "come up with a great play!" and hitting it with sticks. I don't feel like writing because every time I sit down to write I see this enormous gulf, uncrossed after five years of work, between what is on the screen and a truly great play.
I would like to reconcile this disturbance in my karma and in my life. I have a day job and the responsibilities of parenthood but I am desperate to write. How did you come to peace?
Darling Swan, I haven't been here for ages and I was so very sorry to hear your news. I sincerely wish great things for you, and every happiness for the future, which I'm sure will be with you soon. Hugs and kisses, Steve.
Bless you! I wish I didn't know what your 'significant other' was going through... (I've been there, but I can't talk from the female perspective... don't have the required openings or dangling bits…!)
I hope that this year is your year! Get a play produced, invite us to the opening night and we'll ride on your coat tails!
Sorry for the long delay replying. I forgot to look at this site for ages!
Now then, how did I come to terms with the REALITY of life? Well, I reckon 'Big Breaks' are like lottery wins - almost as random and rare. Unfortunately, because the media focusses solely on the 'lottery winners' of society, and because a large proportion of them are of moderate talent, we're all under the mistaken impression that pretty much anyone can make it...which of course isn't true! For several years, I still thought that my talent, dedication, experience and drive would get me where I deserved to be. However, after 20 years of concentrated effort, it finally dawned on me that, if I STILL wasn't getting through the right doors to do my thing, I might have to change my ultimate goals according to the enforced circumstances. Some things simply ARE beyond our control. My low patch last year was me going through the process of truly understanding how the world works: It's not fair. People who don't deserve breaks get breaks. People who don't deserve to suffer, suffer. It's pretty fundamental - The only thing we can control is the way we deal with whatever life throws at us. I figured I had 2 choices: Carry on plugging within an industry that consistently chooses looks and pushiness over talent and get more and more bitter and frustrated - or accept that what I HAVE achieved (in the face of nothing but obstacles) is exceptional; that I wouldn't be a writer if I hadn't experienced such adversity; that I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband if my life were moving in more 'successful' circles and that I'm proud of who I am and the fact that I haven't shafted anyone to get anywhere in life! I'll always be a creative person and the only way I can work is if I'm proud of what I'm doing, so I'll keep on doing the best I can within the circumstances I have and relish EVERY success - whether large or small.
I also repeatedly remind myself that a successful life is a life lived fully and with (I hate to be cheesy but) plenty of love in it! People that the media holds up for us to worship as 'successful' are certainly no happier in their personal lives than me. Many of them are dysfunctional. All of them have the same problems the rest of us have, just with more money and less privacy! I prefer to define a successful life as a HAPPY one - and it's certainly possible to be happy without starring in a film or having a play on in the West End!
As for your five year play.....I say go away and write something else for a while. Something simple and unambitious so that you can have the pleasure of completing it without too much agony Then go back to the other one with fresh eyes. If you live in London, go to the 'Actors and Writers Group' in Hammersmith (just type it into your search engine) to see other writers' work-in-progress and feel inspired (or appalled!) by what else is out there. Oh, and let go of the necessity for perfection - that's another thing I've learned! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT! And not everyone will like it. My play last year got rejected by about 20 people before it won a play-writing competition, had a performance and got me a lovely commission off the back of it. I was pretty desperate by the time someone picked up on it, but the point is, someone DID...and that's the one that counts!
Phew, lecture over. I don't claim to be any cleverer than anyone else on this forum but I hope you'll forgive me sharing some of the lessons I've learned from my VERY unusual life experiences! I hope they'll be of some use to some of you....
As a post-script to this sad posting, some good news. Spring is here and the play is ready to go out. Just doing that last spit and polish.
Anyone enter the Bruntwood competition in Manchester? I did with this one. Same play as TTPT but this time finished. It was extraordinary to see how much the play had grown - in plot, suspense and characterization - between TTPT and Manchester. I now think TTPT was right not to choose my entry. It wasn't ready. I had a lot more to learn about writing plays. I still do. But I can see an improvement.
I will always be grateful to Adman and Jaysplays and Sadie Sadie, shyboy, Lewes for their practical advice and support. And if it never gets anywhere else - if it never gets put on - at least I have this moment of finishing a play I am proud of.
