Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Forum…….from the darkest recesses of some of the sickest minds……using the strangest accents and the thinnest of plot lines……..coming soon to a pc near you………
From the people who brought you ‘What is West Endy?’, ‘Post a joke here’ and ‘Ask Aunty’.
DEAD MANS FEET II (US title Dead man’s two feet)
'All we see and seem is but a dream within a dream' Poe
CREDITS ROLL. ORCHESTRAL BACKTRACK - THINK 'THE SHINING' MEETS 'BANANAS IN PAJAMAS'.
A SUBURB OF LOS ANGELES; TODAY. SHYBOY IS SITTING ON A SWING IN A YARD, SWINGING SLOWLY TOO AND FRO, WATCHING OTHER CHILDREN PLAY IN THE STREET. AS THE SWING SWINGS, THE 'SQUEAK' FROM THE CHAIN GETS SLOWLY LOUDER.
SLOW PAN ACROSS TO CHILDREN PLAYING IN THE STREET. WITH EACH SQUEAK, FAST CUT TO A HALF SECOND FRAME OF THE HORRIBLE DEATH OF EACH (DRAW FROM THE MOVIE).
BRING BACKTRACK DOWN. COMPLETE 360 DEGREE SLOW PAN TO BACK DOOR OF HOUSE.
ENTER AURORA.
AUR Shy? Oh, Shy! What are you doin out here on the swing, honey? Why don't you go play with the other kids darlin?
SHY They don't want me to play with them, momma. They don't wanna. Oh, mom, why'd we have to move to this big house with a a garden, why'd we have to move from that smokey tenement in New York where I was so happy - playin in the fire hydrant, running up and down p*ss soaked stairs, pushin heroin addicts off the roof when they were stoned ...
AUR Now, honey, don't talk like that!
SHY Like what, momma?
AUR Like an American, honey - you know we're from Birmingham.
SHYBOY LEAPS FROM THE SWING
SHY That's the problem, momma! The other kids don't wanna play with me - except that Crampy, and he's weird!
Meanwhile in Africa, rumours are spreading like wildfire through the seedy bars of the French quarter of Casablanca that the fabled lost mine of scripts has been found! A few days ago a half mad, half starved, half wit staggered out of the dank & deadly rainforest or ‘Manchester’ as the locals call it. Even now he lies at deaths door gripped by delirium and rambling incoherently (could be a writer on this forum), about the lost mine of scripts.
Zabriel: Let go of me! Let go! I have to go, I have to warn them! Release your grip!
Nurse Delirium: I can’t.
Zabriel: I tell you I have seen it……I’ve seen it…You must not look at them…..the scripts, the scripts! I’ve seen um I tell you! (Aside) This is better, I’ll show them, I should have had the lead in Feet I!
Dr Didod: Sedate him nurse we will have to keep him quiet for the next few acts, it’s for his own good. There might be some critics in.
Zabriel: No! No! The first good lines I get and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Dr Didod: And wheel his bed over here Nurse, away from that door. I’m expecting Death in later and you know what he’s like if he can’t get his scythe through the door.
Later that evening. The ward is dark and still with only the sound of snoring and the occasional bottom burp to disturb the silence. High above the beds a skylight silently opens and a figure dressed ninja style, all in black, slips gracefully through and drops cat like to the floor. Moving easily and silently the figure approaches the sleeping Zabriel. Rifling expertly through his belongings the shadowy interloper soon finds what they seek. Pulling out a tattered piece of paper they unfold it and we see – ‘The BBC would like to inform you that you have been short…’ - turning the paper over we see a roughly drawn map, drawn roughly. The figure rises and folding the map tucks it into a pocket, they then freezes as we hear Nurse Delirium approaching. They quickly pull something from a shoulder bag and drop this onto Zabriels bed, disappearing as quickly and silently as they had arrived. We now see across Zabriels bed a Duvet with a single red hair across it and the initials JD Loves LML.
'All we see and seem is but a dream within a dream' Poe
ADMAN (Grumpily) I worked bloody hard at the opening scene. Okay, it didn't look much, but it took some thought to give everyone else a good basis for going forward - a kid on a swing and a character who isn't part of the co-op so we could kill him, reference to Birmingham so we had a nice local setting, obvious opportunity to make the gang the kids in the street, maybe a bit of demonic possession, even gave everyone a lead toward some innovative death scenes - then all of a sudden all that work, ignored, just completely overlooked, and our horror movie becomes a bloody Indiana Jones spoof! Only good thing is I got to wipe out Los Angeles, which anyone who's ever been there will applaud.
VOICE OVER; SHE'S BACK IN HER MOST BAFFLING MYSTERY SO FAR;
AURORA L'IONHEART THE(OTHER)GREAT BELGIAN DETECTIVE IN "DEAD MENS' FEET III" The Mystery of The Moonbird WITH GRAVEDIGGER, HER COMPANION/BUTLER/TOYBOY, INSPECTOR LEWES OF SCOTLAND YARD ADMAN, (EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE TV COMMEDIAN) AS ADMAN, EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE COMIC LIGHTHOUSE-KEEPER, JAYPLAYS (AWARD WINNING ACTOR) AS CAPTAIN JAY PLAYFULL AS THE MYSTERIOUS PROFESSOR, ZABRIEL IM A VERY MINOR ROLE DIDDOD AS SIR HEZEKIAH DIDDOD, CORNISH PILCHARD MILLIONAIRE, AND INTRODUCING LILMISSLESLEY, AS THE BEAUTIFULL LILMISSLESSLEY DIDDOD OUR HEROINE
CINEMA TRAILER (CERT "PG")
SCENE; A WINDSWEPT CLIFF. A GALE HOWLS. SOMEONE SLAPS GALE, SHE ONLY HOWLS THE MORE.
LILMISSLESLEY; Someone tell me...my father is alive.
JAY TAKING IN HIS ARMS. JAY CHOKES BACK THE TEARS. Of course, your father's alive...
LILMISS; And the dreadful Moonbird...?
JAY: Only a silly old legend.
THERE IS A HORRIBLE SHRIEK.
THEY ALL LOOK AT GALE.
GALE: That wasn't me that time, honest.
ZABRIEL STAGGERS INTO FRAME. HIS FACE IS BLOODY, HIS CLOTHES TORN.
ZABRIEL; It's ghastly. HE POINTS .
JAY Don't look.
AURORA L'IONHEART: Take Mam'selle back to zee ouse..
JAY What?
GRAVEDIGGER: Take the young lady back to the house.
LILMISS: I still say we need sub-titles.
JAY: No. Gravedigger, you take LilMiss back to zee ouse
ALL: What?
JAY: I'm going with you Aurora. We'll see if this Moonbird is a monster...a legend ...or mere flesh and blood.
AURORA L'IONHEART: Oui mon ami. Allons!
ALL: What?
VOICE OVER: Is the Moonbird a monster or mere flesh and blood? What has happened to Sir Hezekiah Diddod? Who is the mysterious Professor? Are Adman's joke funnier when you're drunk? And........................ Does this script need sub-titles?
SCENE ONE; THE CCONSULTING ROONS OF BELGIUM'S (SECOND) GREATEST DETECTIVE AURORA L'IONHEART AT 221C BAKER STREET
THE ROOM IS DIMLY LIT BY A SINGLE LIGHT. AURORA L'IONHEART BELGIUM'S (SECOND) GREATEST DETECTIVE IS SMOKING A LONG OPIUM PIPE. THE DOOR OPENS. A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE DRESSED IN BLACK ENTERS. HE CARRIES A LONG KNIVE WHICH FLASHES IN THE LIGHT.
HE LUNGES AT AURORA, WHO CATCHES HIM IN A JUDO HOLD, AND EFFORTLESSLY DISARMS HIM AND PINS TO THE FLOOR.
SFX; KNOCK! KNOCK!
AURORA; Sorry, Gravedigger, was that your old warwound?
GRAVEDIGGER: No, Madame, I think there's someone at the door.
GRAVEDIGGER GOES TO THE WINDOW, RAISES IT AND SHOUTS
Yes? What d'you want?
FIRST VOICE (OFF) I say, is this the house of the world's greatest detective?
GRAVEDIGGER: Yes, it is.
FIRST VOICE (OFF) Oh, Mr Holmes...I need your help des...
GRAVEDIGGER: (ANGRILLY) Next door!
SECOND VOICE (OFF) What did he say?
FIRST VOICE (OFF) Wrong door, Doug!
GRAVEDIGGER CLOSES THE WINDOW
GRAVEDIGGER: I still say, we should move..
AURORA: Courage, non brave. I think business weel pick up. Ze little grey cells are waiting...
GRAVEDIGGER: Ze bills they are waiting. Ze salary of ze butler eet is waiting...
Playfull picks up teddy and puts it back in Admans pram. Then wonders to self why we cant have multiple converging story lines as in most films, books and even some plays. Perhaps starting with ‘concurrently in Africa’ instead of ‘meanwhile’ might have avoided the ensuing nuclear holocaust. Sorry to the residents of LA.
'All we see and seem is but a dream within a dream' Poe
LILMISS (OFF) I tried next door. There's only some pompous coke-head there. I need the services of a brilliant analytical mind and ideally an intuitive female brain. Men are such ar...
AURORA: Come on up. Mam'zelle.
AURORA CLOSES THE WINDOW. AURORA; Deed I not tell you mon ami...
GRAVEDIGGER: Okay. Don't drive her away. Just listen. No fancy tricks. And ask about money. Try and get an advance.
GRAVEDIGGER EXITS.
AURORA LEAPS UP ONTO THE MANTLEPIECE, AND SQUATS THERE WITH HER EYES CLOSED SMOKING HER LONG PIPE. THE DOOR OPENS. GRAVEDIGGER AND A TALL ELEGANT VEILED FIGURE ENTERS
LILMISSLESLEY SEEING AURORA. Oh LILMISS HESITATES AND MAKES AS IF TO LEAVE. GRAVEDIGGER TOUCHES HER ARM
GRAVEDIGGER: It's all right, Miss. It's just our little way. Madame thinks it impresses. (LOUDLY) I think it just makes Madame seem barmy.
AURORA LEAPS DOWN FROM THE MANTLEPIECE.
AURORA: Non. Do not say a word, Mam'zelle. Just let zee leetle grey cells work.
LILMISS :What?
GRAVEDIGGER WEARILY. This should be good.
AURORA: I know nothing about vous, Mam'zelle. But I know that you're rich...
GRAVEDIGGER: We 'ope...
AURORA: You are from ze West Country. You are connected with ze pilchard trade and ah so..vous left 'ome in an 'urry and dressed by candlelight. Am I not correct?
LILMISS: I must admit I had a little difficulty understanding what you said. But allowing for your quite atrocious English accent, one is quite impressed by your perspicuous observations!
AURORA: What!
GRAVEDIGGER: She's posh! That mean's you've got 'er 'ooked, Madame.
AURORA: You must excuse my parlour treeks, Mam'zelle. Let me explain 'ow I so much about you!
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF INDIAN TOWN. PAN ACROSS AND ZOOM INTO HOSPITAL WINDOW DURING ...
V/O Concurrently, simultaneously, contemporaneously, asynchronously, coeval and and at the same time in Asia, rumours were spreading like wildfire through the seedy bars of the Fijian quarter of Calcutta that the fabled misplaced Ark Of Lost Stand-up gags had been found. A few days ago a half mad, half starved, half grumpy Adman staggered out of the most disgusting buildings in the town - or ‘Saatchi & Saatchi’ as the locals call it - and now he lies at deaths door gripped by delirium and rambling incoherently about a lost teddy bear.
ADMAN Let go of me! Let go! I have to go, I have to warn them! Release your grip!
NURSE DELIRUM I can’t.
ADMAN Well then at least warm your hands before you do that! Oh no ... no ... arrrrgh ... good evening ladies and gentlemen ...
DOCTOR Look out Nurse! He's about to go into ...
NURSE DELERIUM Too late!
ADMAN
What weighs 5,000 lbs and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant! What has 6 legs, 3 ears, 4 tusks, and 2 trunks? An elephant with a spare part kit. What is large and gray and goes around and around in circles? An elephant stuck in a revolving door. What do elephants do for laughs? Tell jokes. What game do elephants like to play most? Squash. What did the cat say to the elephant? Meeow.
NURSE DELERIUM Can't - stand - it. (FAINTS)
ADMAN What's the difference between eating an elephant and eating peanut butter? Elephants don't stick to the roof of your mouth. What should you do to a blue elephant? Cheer it up. What should you do to a green elephant? Wait til it ripens. What should you do to a red elephant? Stop telling it dirty jokes.
DOCTOR No - must - reach - alarm - button (SLUMPS)
ADMAN What should you do to a yellow elephant? Teach it to be brave. What should you do to a white ...
THE SCENE CHANGES TO A DUSTY AND DESERTED CHILDRENS' PLAYGROUND.
THE CHILDREN HAVE GONE LONG SINCE, TAKING THEIR SCUFFED KNEES AND BRUISED EGO'S TO MUMMY (AND A GOOD TEA.)
THE CAMERA PANS AND FOCUSES ON A ROPE TIED TO ONE OF THE SWINGS. SLOWLY THE CAMERA MOVES DOWN THE ROPE (WHICH SWINGS GENTLY TO AND FRO) UNTIL WE REACH THE END OF THE ROPE AND A SINISTER HANGMAN'S KNOT..... ......... THIS IS TIED AROUND THE NECK OF.................................................................................................................................................................................................A TEDDY BEAR!
