i wrote this about half a year ago... i should say that this is in NO WAY autobiographical but i just thought it was an interesting topic and i enjoyed using a different style to write a poem in... so here goes... Be nice

DESPERATE DIALOGUES


Mother:
Darling I know I should leave him
When he lies I shouldn’t believe him
But you don’t know what it’s like this fear
That he controls you and all you hold dear
That he could always keep you here
And no matter where, he’ll always be near
I’m sorry you saw him cause me hurt
I’m sorry for all the screams you heard
I’m sorry for every angry word
But somehow with every hour
He seems to gain more and more power
He seems to know just what to say
To make me feel weak in every way
And to persuade me to promise to always say
And to put up with it all at the end of the day
Your father, now he controls me
And this is where I’ll always be
Being trapped is just my destiny
I’m sorry but this you must see

Daughter:
This, this, this I must see?
What about love, support, a family?
Shouldn’t that be some part of me?
Mum please tell me why couldn’t we
Leave and never look back
Make last night his final attack
Leave behind his heroin and crack
We could creep away at night
Be gone before it is light
Maybe then, then he just might
Look back on every fight
And wish he’d treated you right
But we’ll be gone and out of his sight
Mum, we’ll never again have to hide
Oh mum imagine his fright!

Mother:
Oh darling if only we could
If I thought it’d work then I would
And I know you’re right and we should
I know it’s my job to make your life good
But I have nothing to give
And hardly the will to live
I’m now and forever his
He has reduced me to this
And yes, it’s life that I miss
With love, light, and happiness
But for some reason I just was not blessed
Sometimes I feel naked undressed
When I know I make do with less
But see I don’t get to chose
I’ve accepted that in life I will lose

Daughter:
I can’ believe you’ll accept that
Close your eyes, turn away and lean back
As he destroys all that you had
Come on mum, please understand
If you don’t you know we’re both dammed
I’ll grow up and marry some man
Who shouts and acts just like dad
And maybe he’ll be twice as bad
And he won’t just stop at that
He’ll bruise my body blue and black
Until my corpse is found on the floor
Please mum walk out the door
Put a stop to it end it before
YOUR body is found on the floor
I know mum, I’m certain, I’m sure
He’ll always come back for more
He’ll never have had enough
If you stay you’ll never know love
Do you need a sign from up above?
Please mum fight, don’t give up
I know that all this is tough
But I can’t just simply sit by
And watch him cheat and lie
While I silently wonder why
For our sake you won’t even try
To turn away and say goodbye
Before on of us has to die

Mother:
Oh darling I know that you’re right
But I don’t see the answer in flight
I wish you could see my side
That on the day that I was a bride
This picture was not what I saw
This was not what I had hoped for
I really wanted much more
A future, a home and a life
To be a happy mother and wife
But things didn’t go the way I had planned
What I wanted had slipped through my hand
But believe me I do understand
Why you’re angry bitter and sad
That I gave you a horrible dad
And please believe when I say
That what hurt the most every day
Was not that he hit and let him
It was that I delivered his next victim
And like a lamb to the slaughter
I had sent him our innocent daughter

That's really clever and powerful, the ending line is so cleverly woven into the poem, I didn't see it ending like that!

It's got an ace rythemic structure, wow! It flows so well and accurately! I like it alot, and the idea is really interesting, you've got the voices of the two charectors really well.

Thanks for sharing it with us!!!!

I liked that Jen. The basic principle worked really well, I felt, what with having a conversation between people. I liked that idea in itself and I think you pulled it off really well. Great stuff.

My only small little thing, that I picked up on, was a missing comma. Then again, I could be really very wrong...I see it in the line:

quote:

Put a stop to it end it before

...I just feel there should be a comma before end, making it: ''Put a stop to it, end it before''

It's just a thought and you can completely disregard it if you'd like - I understand.

But really, Jen, I liked it. It had power and poignancy. Undoubted poignancy.

Good stuff! Post more, people!

thank you both for your kind comments. it is one of the poems i am more proud of. (trust me some of mine i doN't show anyone 'cause i don't really like them) thanks for the enoucragement it feels good to read such nice stuff..

becky you are right. it would seem good with a comma there. i rarely put commas or full stops in my poems but i can see how it would fit there. thanks for the tip!

Middle of the story writer's block strikes again, but what do you all think of this so far?

Dear Michael,

It’s been seven years since I last saw you and it’s been too long since I last wrote to you. I understand why you are in Iraq, you feel obliged to serve your country. But there are people here who miss you. Like Pratt for example. Do you know he’s the Chief of Emergency Medicine now? Luka and Abby moved to Atlanta and Clemente got himself into a lot of trouble, so the slot was open for Greg to fill. And he’s actually pretty good at it, Dubenko is certainly impressed with his work. Who knew? Dubenko is our new Chief of Staff by the way, Weaver was tragically killed in a car crash 2 years ago but I think I may have mentioned this in my last letter.

Can you believe that Jerry, Haleh and Chuny are still here after all this time? It is quite unbelievable how they’ve managed to survive this long at County, but I guess I’ve been here for almost 10 years so I could go down in County history as well. I am still an Attending here down in the ER and I’m actually in line for a job as Senior Attending, but with that job comes plenty of responsibility. I’m also up against that Jake bloke I was telling you about and he’s skilled at medicine but he’s only been here a year and hasn’t gained much respect from the interns. Plus, Haleh doesn’t like him a lot and you know the effect Haleh has on people. Sam has been living in fear ever since she fired her that one time.

I like it so far, it'll be interesting to see where you take it - if you get over this bout of writers block.

I'm the same, I start writing something and am really enthusiastic about it. Normally I can make it to a couple of pages before I run out of steam, but then I get a new idea and the whole thing starts again.

BM, do you write on any websites? 'Coz I've read a few stories written in a similar style to this and I was wondering if they were yours.

Haha, very smooth BM - I love the casual mention of poor Weaver's tragic end...

And Jen, finally got round to reviewing your writing. It sounds to me like some kind of tragic song in a musical, for some reason - I'd like to see it in one some day, I think it would fit very well.

But Broadway aside, I thought the concept was very clever and original - telling the story from both view points is more freeing and allows two different perspectives to be given which is interesting to read.

I liked the repetition of "I'm sorry" at the beginning - made it more powerful. And the last line was cleverly done to make it more...I don't know - more of a shock.

Anyway, it was some good work - you should post more.

And keep working on that letter, BM!

I will, I'll try. And I haven't published anything on ff.net or anything.

Jen that was great...I especially like the first 2 lines, last 2 lines and 'Make last night his final attack.' All very powerful stuff

Woohoo this thread is alive again

Y'know, I think we might even have enough people here for a party at the moment.

We might indeed. I'll bring the punch!

Cocktail sausage anyone?
A party ring perhaps?

Do we have those little umbrella thingies? I'm not coming if not...

Just for you Becky, here they are. And those sticks witht he tinselly bits on them...

Woo!

*dances*

what about cheese and pineapple on sticks?

I'll dance.

Heh.

In an attempt to bump...

www.midicibooks.net

Check it out, guys!

And where is the one you submitted and told me you'd put up here?

WHERE?!

Oh, you've seen it already. I did a little recycling.

Ahhh well...

Although my sister did just hand me a leaflet for an upcoming poetry competition so maybe, just maybe, they'll be something semi-productive from that. Maybe.

Good good - you know what'll happen if there's a sudden writing drought anyway. Yes indeedy, I'll reel out/dig up reams of stuff to spread around like manure, in more ways than one.