Ooooh...Yeh. Duh.

So I figured...
...I'd, uh, post something.

Check me out!

quote:

Breaking Me, Breaking You

I saw him as I saw you
In the doorway, together.
A whisper, a smile, a flicker of hope.
Monochrome patterned, simple and straight
But it wasn't
it wasnt black on black, white on white
Not for you, not tonight.

A little step closer,
To the doorway, together
A tear, a frown, a hand cupped in one
the blacks, they merged
merged to gray and colour
a simple hello, for a star-crossed lover?

A couple standing,
In the doorway, together
hands brush, lips touch, hearts beat
Dizzying patterns race through your mind
Maybe, just maybe, cupid is kind

You wait, you watch, you wonder
In the doorway, together
A separation, detachment, divorce
monotonous tones and a basic reality...
...this isn't a hello, charged on a romantic high
But a heart-aching, mood-breaking goodbye.

all i can say

Wow.

In a good way?

Of course in a good way, you berk.

That's terrific, Becks. The first and last verses are especially impressive. If you don't mind me saying so, the last line of the second verse is a little bit clichéd, but I don't know that it especially matters. I'm trying to decide why it stood out when I read it, but I think it's just because it has been used so often before. That doesn't make it a bad line, though. It just rather leapt out as maybe not quite as distinctive as the rest of the piece. Terrific work, though.

Now about that coloured paper poem...

Thankyou Micks. (Was the journey tiring? )

I see what you mean about the cliche, definitely. I'll take a look at it, maybe tweak it a little. Interestingly enough, the first and last verses were the easiest to write, , the rest needed a little bit more thought.

I'll get started on that coloured paper poem just as soon as I've done the SB one.

We've gotta do a short story for English (well, don't have to and Becky shouldn't) but i have now and i just wanted to see what people say bout it, i don't think it's that surprising and its a bit dull, so any constructive critisism would be appreciated

A Nice Guy

She was sitting on the bed with the duvet wrapped round her body frame carefully, as if it was a bandage. Her eyes were blearily focused on the lamp with its translucent stand made of silver, sparkly metal. At the foot of the dark, deep red duvet he sat, knowing she was deliberately finding fascinating features of the lamp as to not look at him.

“I sent you flowers. Big red and yellow ones, I thought you’d like them.” He told her, smiling a heart-warming smile. His hair was ruffled, his eyes were kind and he had this happy aura about him. She carried on sulking. He brought out a chocolate box from the bag he had placed at his feet “And chocolate. I brought you chocolate. Would you like to try some?” he asked, opening the box eagerly as she turned to look at him. “Look, truffle and cappuccino and toffee and…” he trailed off, shoving the silky cardboard selection sheet into her hands. She threw it away onto the floor and turned away from him.

“Thanks” she replied monotonously, blatantly not meaning it. He sighed and got up.

“I’ll go make us a coffee. White, two sugars, right?” he submitted as he walked out, the girl giving a tight nod to his question. He walked from the room, and then put his head round the door again “the cups are in the cupboard above the fridge, yeah?” she didn’t reply so he took his word to be true and slipped from the room again.

She picked up the chocolate box from when he’d put it down on the floor and fussily chose a cappuccino flavoured chocolate. It melted satisfactorily on her tongue. She unfurled herself from the duvet, her clothes statically catching to the sheets, and straightened the bedding roughly. Sitting back onto her pillow, she picked at a loose thread, trying to decide why life was so cruel.

When he came back in, carrying two mugs of steaming coffee, she looked at him and couldn’t help smile at his school-boy scruffy hair and his rolled up sleeves, like making a cup of coffee was a big effort. Wisps of affection came into her mind as she watched him put the cups down and smile at her, his eyes glinting with a fun magic that had drawn her to him in the first place. They both sat back, leaning against the wall and sipping their coffees. They weren’t talking, but it was a comfortable silence.

“I see you’re happier now then.” He mumbled to her after a few moments and she looked at his cute features

“I’m sorry, was a bit shocked I guess. I’m over it now.” She smiled briskly at him before taking another tentative sip of her coffee. He slipped his hand hesitantly round hers, but as he did so, she moved her hand to hold her coffee cup “This coffee’s really hot” she excused and smiled at him. He smiled back at her, trying to read the expression in her eyes. He could not and the spark in his eyes flared insanely as he thought what he could say to dispel the tension that was seeping over them once more.

“The weather’s been good for the last few days.” He tried, kicking himself for such a poor conversation, she ‘hmm’-ed and then put her coffee onto her bed-side table, but she didn’t say any more or even looked at him. “And what about the news at the moment? Bird Flu?” he tried again and she shrugged

“Oh, we’ll all fight it, but we’ll all ‘lie down and take it’ in the end.” She picked at one of her nails, and the boy was left totally distant from her again.

“Christ, Elaine!” he cried but instead of confrontations, scooped up the coffee mugs and took them to the kitchen. She could hear him pouring the contents down the sink and then it was all silent. Quietly, she went to go find out what was going on, and she saw him just standing at the kitchen sink. “I should go.” He said without turning round.

“Umm, Ok.” She replied quietly and let him pass to the door, not looking at him, the floor was very interesting. He opened the door silently. Taking one step through it, he seemed to remember something and twisted round.

“That night, I thought you said 'no' ironically.” His parting sentence was slipped to her ears as he closed the door behind him. Her knee’s buckled and she fell down, tears pushing from her eyes.
That night was rape.

SF, this is longer than a lot of the stuff posted here, so I'm going to take it away with me and read it through properly if that's okay. I'll get back to you later.

Okay. Here goes.

What sort of critique are you looking for here, SF? Should I mention punctuation, or would you rather that was left to your teacher? Or do we assume that some of them are just typos? Anyway, for the most part this is very good. You set up the scene well, and the ending is nicely sudden. There’s no foreshadowing of what the problem is, which is effective. Leaving it all to that last revelation is the right way to do it, I think. Prior to that there is obviously awkwardness between them, but it could be anything causing it. Nicely done. My only main criticism is that you go overboard a little on your adjectives. To me, “She unfurled herself from the duvet, her clothes statically catching to the sheets, and straightened the bedding roughly.” Is a little clumsy. I think you could comfortably lose that ‘statically’. That’s just my opinion, though, and you shouldn’t put too much weight in that. Adjectives are highly effective words, but sometimes less is more.

"When he came back in, carrying two mugs of steaming coffee, she looked at him and couldn’t help smile at his school-boy scruffy hair and his rolled up sleeves, like making a cup of coffee was a big effort. Wisps of affection came into her mind as she watched him put the cups down and smile at her, his eyes glinting with a fun magic that had drawn her to him in the first place. They both sat back, leaning against the wall and sipping their coffees. They weren’t talking, but it was a comfortable silence." Terrific paragraph. "Wisps of affection" is a particularly good line.

A question. "His eyes sparked insanely." Maybe too strong a word? They’re your characters, so you’re the one to decide that. You’re the one who knows what they’re thinking. To me, though, "insane" seems a little strong. If his eyes were sparking insanely, maybe she’d have been fleeing the scene in a panic. It sounds a little unhinged. Maybe. Again, just my opinion.

Oh, one thing. "Her eyes were blearily focused". Should be “Her eyes were focused blearily”. When in doubt, remember the world’s most famous split infinitive, courtesy of Star Trek. "To boldly go." It should be "To go boldly". English students the world over have Gene Roddenberry to thank for them getting their words in the right order.

So yeah. Good job. Bold subject. I know my old English teacher would have liked it!

Thanks Micks!

Yeah, Really good points there, thanks you!!!!

I'm actually gunna transfer your response to my other conmputer when i have the story so i can assess it a bit more.

I can see why Becky's so good at English now :P (joking Becks, You're ace and these specimins have nothing to do with it)

Assessing punctuation would probably be a good idea as well btw, I'm never too great on that and my teacher would probably just patronise me.

Oh, and dont worry, this has to be in two weeks from now I got lotsa time.

Becky said that she didnt understand it, it wasn't clear etc. Does anyone else find that.

Again, thank you, that was exactly what i wanted

quote:

Becky said that she didnt understand it, it wasn't clear etc. Does anyone else find that.

I also told you I was probably just being dippy. Which was true! Is, I mean is.

Two weeks from now? Hmmm...Has he said everyone has to do one? I want to write one just so he can patronise me. Hah. Hmmm.

Just quickly gotta say - haven't had time for detailed responses to both of your writing pieces yet. Had a lot to do and I like to think it over anyway - I haven't forgotten about it, anyway. And I will have something to say about it soon!

SF, if you've still got two weeks, there's something I want you to do. Read that second paragraph through aloud, paying particular attention to where the full stops and commas are, then think about their positioning.

No, not everyone has to, only those who want to and because i take stories to be my forte i really want an A*...

I know thats not going to happen, especcially because im so dippy i can see somethings wrong with the 2nd paragraph but cant figure out what.

Try reading the first two sentences of the second paragraph.

I sent you flowers. Big red and yellow ones, I thought you’d like them.” He told her, smiling a heart-warming smile.

I think i should have a semi-colon after the flowers and a full stop after the yellow ones.

that right?

Different teachers will teach different things. I could tell you how I would write those sentences, but your teacher might mark that way as wrong. I've had the same piece of work marked different ways by two different people, so there's no definite answer, SF. I will, however, suggest that you're onto something there.

Consider the full-stop after "them", too. Just consider it. Maybe ask somebody else about it?

Meh. I just tried to post a link to my blog where some of my writing is up but it was a trigger apparently...so it might appear sometime tomorrow. If not...if anyone is interested go to clareisabella dot blogspot dot com it's the Tuesday March 14th post called Swans.
I'd be interested to know what you think if you have time to read as I am finding it so hard to get back into Short Stories as I've been doing Microfiction (very very short stories!) for so long..

..bearing in mind what I wrote just before the story of course

what's the "purpose" of microfiction? surely if fiction gets too small there would be no point to it for you would have no depth to charectors, scenes etc.

And Micks, Yes, that should be a comma really shouldn't it. Because i carry on later with "and chocolate" and you can't start a sentecne with a connective like that...right?

I guess so then you learn how to be concise and choose words carefully so that the ones you leave in are the ones you know will create the best impact - I reckon it'd be kinda fun.

Well..that's part of the module...studying what the actual purpose of it is and is it really different from prose poetry? There are subtle differences but really it's just whatever you make it..
It's fun to write a story in a paragraph though You just have to sacrifice character development for really concise character pictures..which can be quite hard...meh.

oooh, sounds fun