Just saying, I've finished my story, its totally diff from before, thanks to Micks mostly.
I feel kinda bad handing it in as MY work now though cause you contributed so much...hmmm...how annoying.

mmmmm sins I'm new here I'm going to ask a question....Is this like a chit-chat thread? cuz i don't see what the topic is? and if it is a chit chat thread of sorts I like it

It's mostly for people to post their creative writing up (hence the whole "Budding Writer's" part.

quote:

Just saying, I've finished my story, its totally diff from before, thanks to Micks mostly.
I feel kinda bad handing it in as MY work now though cause you contributed so much...hmmm...how annoying.

SF, you shouldn't have changed it significantly based on what I said. What you wrote was great. All I suggested changing were a couple of punctuation marks!

and some sentence structures hehe.
No matter, it's got alot more depth to it now (ie, the red and yellow floweres have changed to romantic red and golden yellow roses) And I;m glad ure comments made me more aware of things so i went back and thought "should i have it like that, or would this be better?"

So thanks for your "few punctuation marks" hehe.

quote:

Originally posted by lemon jelly:
It's mostly for people to post their creative writing up (hence the whole "Budding Writer's" part.

Oh ok thanks that makes sense...you guys really need a chit chat thread!

But every thread is a chit chat thread

we make general chit chat threads and they never get used so there's no point. We talk about many random things in many random threads. And you thought this was an ER forum

I think the Double L is probably our biggest chit-chat thread.

Writing, anyone?

Don't know where it came from...It just happened. Any comments and inevitable constructive criticisms would be greatly appreciated!

quote:

do you have a gravel pathway?
or a green-grassed lane?
a route to travel and some place to go
all fresh and new and undiscovered,
with hopeful promise and few expectations.
My future's like a tapestry;
waiting for threads to be sewn.

do you have a compass?
or a know-it-all map?
a piece of advice and some direction
routes we should go, and paths we should travel
though some don't suit us; not me and you.
Yet nobody writes a plan for you---
it would take too long.

do you have a reference guide?
or a book of foreign words?
a small translation of whats to come, with footnotes
what to use, with what and when
because to us, this world makes little sense.
We need all the help we can get---
but what about you?

will you be there with me?
or across an unknown world?
a mere tip on the memory that was yesterday
but still an eternal friend,
waiting in the wings of the play that is my life.
I don't write my life, or plan it
but I promise to help with yours.

quote:

do you have a reference guide?
or a book of foreign words?
a small translation of whats to come, with footnotes
what to use, with what and when
because to us, this world makes little sense.
We need all the help we can get---
but what about you?

Favourite stanza in all of this just because, I reckon, by this point you've got right into your flow of things before having to think about how you'll end it. Correct me if I'm wrong - this just seems like the stanza that came to you most easily... (I'm probably wrong, aren't I? It just seems the most effortless and I like that about it).

Admittedly, the rest doesn't seem to fall as naturally as this particular stanza, but it's highly probable that it's just the way I read things. (And you know I wouldn't be saying this if I wasn't already so sure of the very high standard you already uphold). And no it's not, "rubbishly clumsy"

You're very right, LJ. It was the easiest stanza written and all of it, really, just happened. That's why I said it was clumsy. And I still think it is. It isn't very flowy and a lot of it is forced. I wanted to write but didn't know how, y'know?

Thankyou for your very helpful concrit.

*whispers: POST*

That was really good, Becky. I did feel that the first three verses were more natural than the last one, though. Having a different rhythm for your final verse can work, so that's not necessarily an issue, but somehow you seemed to have lost the thread a little. The first three verses are terrific, though.

Love this bit:

quote:

though some don't suit us; not me and you.
Yet nobody writes a plan for you---
it would take too long.

Thankoo Mickey. I'm gonna cut that last verse out, methinks.

Only if it's what you really want to do.

It is. It doesn't work. It doesn't flow. It doesn't...do what I want it to do or say what I want it to say. I could re-write it, but then again, I feel rather happy on leaving it as a final question. Hmmm.

*ponders*

I think maybe yes, you shouild change the last verse, but dont get rid of it, i like the last lines, see,
"I don't write my life, or plan it
but I promise to help with yours."

just seems a good way to end it, i dunno, maybe you should ignore me.

*bump*

ouch.

Friday is like writing day for me!

quote:

I'm sorry,
I pushed you away, felt the ground
beneath us move; and widen.
I remember the relief was rekindled
Because, because I was back on my own.

I'm sorry,
I let it get so far, let us
get so involved; and in love.
I remember feeling safe and secure
But it wasn't, it wasn't because of you.

I'm sorry,
I shut you out, although I needed
someone; needed the concern and care.
I remember feeling wanted
But it wasn't, it wasn't by you.

I'm sorry
I never wanted to lie, I hated
those who did; who broke promises.
I remember wanting to be honest
But it wasn’t, it wasn’t to you.

I’m sorry,
I liked somebody else, I wanted
to take a chance on them; to risk it.
I remember wanting to fall in love
But it wasn’t, it wasn’t with you.

It just...happened. It all just came to mind when I was thinking about some people. *shrugs*

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

I've never written a poem before in my life. Shoot it down in flames if you want and then at least I'll know never to write another!



Umbra

When I first saw you
The sun was in my eyes.
You stepped between me and it and my eyes saw nothing
Except the cool, perfect, blackness of you
Featureless
And I was in your shadow.

But the sun is lower in the sky now
and if the shadows have lengthened
at least my eyes do not sting

and see –

if I step aside I am in the light again.

Right, so I found this on my computer today and didn't know what to do with it. I want somebody to read it and so I thought I'd give posting it on here a go. So here goes I guess.

Heart break. That’s all I felt when I heard that song, that’s it, that’s all I felt. It was me. My feelings in a song, it was like Sir Paul had known me when he wrote it, merely manipulating the words for his point of view.
Because maybe I am amazed, just by it all. By everything. By me. By you. The way you love me all the time.
Or at least I was, until it all started to go wrong. It all went pear shaped. Maybe I’m a girl, maybe I’m a lonely girl who’s in the middle of something, that she doesn’t really understand. I really am in the middle of something. Something I don’t understand at all, it puzzles me. I know I love you and you’ve said the same to me before, but just as a way to make me think you’re all innocent and stop me getting mad; letting you off the hook. Then you asked her, the girl who you’ve got a fraught history with, you asked her out. It hurts. You’ve hurt me, without even knowing simply because I can’t buck up the courage to make the step myself. And now it’s too late. I missed my chance. I missed that stop.
I just need to know, could it have ever happened? Ever? Or is it just a figment of my lonely imagination, because I can’t let this go without knowing. Was there ever a chance? Is there still a chance?
Even as I write this I am talking to her on the most impersonal of communication techniques, an internet messenger service. And yet I am still fighting to be nice to her - to bother to speak to her at all. Because she’s got what I want. She’s got you. I need to tell someone, but I’m not good with my own emotions. Other people’s I can deal with but not my own. Never my own. Her IM name mentions yours, not the one I give you, not the on you asked me to call you, not the personal one, but the one that you had nothing to do with. The one your mother decided on. And just looking at that name makes me feel she’s flaunting you, but how can she be? She doesn’t know. I don’t know if anyone does. Apart from maybe you. So I sign off, without saying bye. I feel liberated. It feels good; I’m in control of it. But I’m not in control of my own emotions. My own hurt. My own heart. But you’ve done me a favour by hurting me, you’ve given me back something I thought I’d never see again. I have written all of this from my heart, its always better when writing comes from the heart. It sounds better, flows better.
Thank you for giving me back my emotional outlet. Thank you for giving me emotions to let out. Thank you for my broken heart.

Becky - Nice, it flows really well, I like the cesura and enjamberment (im learnin'!), it adds to it pretty well. I like the third line in each stanza, how you finish a long part with a semi-colon and then put a short ending part.
However, I dont like the last stanza's. It fits, and yes, they're good, but i think they're a bit Clicky, although, due to that being the comma's, that may have been the intention...?

Mrs Eyre - Very nice, Me being me and pretty rubbish at meaning, does it have a hidden meaning or is it just as it is?
Its really excellent if that was your first time at writing poetry!
Only one thing:

quote:

Except the cool, perfect, blackness of you
Featureless

I think you should have a stop somehow after the 'you'? Just a suggestion, but i think 'Featureless' should be on its own to give more emphasis?

Poppie - Super! This is ACE! I can really feel what you're feeling when you say this, and i can really relate to it, this bit especcially:

quote:

Her IM name mentions yours, not the one I give you, not the on you asked me to call you, not the personal one, but the one that you had nothing to do with. The one your mother decided on. And just looking at that name makes me feel she’s flaunting you, but how can she be?

Its really good and really from the heart.
Overall, I really like it!!! I like the way you say something long and then back it up with short sentences (

quote:

But I’m not in control of my own emotions. My own hurt. My own heart.

)
Most of all, i LOVE thew quiet optimism you have at the end:

quote:

Thank you for giving me back my emotional outlet. Thank you for giving me emotions to let out. Thank you for my broken heart.

REALLY nice ending!
Thanks for sharing it with us all, it's ace!!!

All of you -Becky, Mrs Eyre and Poppie, your Poems and Stories were ace!!!!