Woo! Mega concrit on the way!

Firstly, to Mrs Eyre, that was an amazing piece of poetry. It was very short in length, but it was so poignant that it didn't need to be any longer. It worked really really well. The length of the third line seems a little stumbley, however, and when I read it aloud I seem to forget the 'and it'. This might just be me, however, and my reading it too fast. Otherwise, it's amazing. It's very poignant and very powerful and I especially love the last lines:

quote:

at least my eyes do no sting

and see -

if I step aside I am in the light again

~

To Poppie, I can tell that that was very heartfelt. The fact that it was, I feel, makes it so strong. It conveyed a lot of emotion - of a lovelorn, confused, and heartbroken person - but it was just the right length and it was written with the right amount of tact for it not to seem over-written or overly angst-ridden or for it to be over-dramatised. It was very very good.
My favourite part was:

quote:

You’ve hurt me, without even knowing simply because I can’t buck up the courage to make the step myself. And now it’s too late. I missed my chance. I missed that stop.
I just need to know, could it have ever happened? Ever? Or is it just a figment of my lonely imagination, because I can’t let this go without knowing. Was there ever a chance? Is there still a chance?

It conveys so much topical confusion and uncertainty and it is so true, I think it has so much power for the readers to identify with. And generally, when reading about this type of thing, I like to be able to relate with the author. Here, I could do just that. Fantastic!

~

And...SF, I really liked this poem. I liked how the first lines all started with 'A...' and then continued because in this repetition, it seemed to show the emphasis on the flippancy; to the people this poem is based upon, this is an everyday occurrence and I think through that repetition, you portray it as just that, something flippant and expected. I don't know whether or not it was accidental or not, but it was excellent either way. Additionally, I love your rhyming scheme. It's somewhat sophisticated ryhming - IMO - throughout and I think it works well to show the speed of it. It keeps up a good pace throughout.

My only small criticism is in the line

quote:

A Flippant talk and its all distant memory blur

I think it's a little to long and clumsy and doesn't keep up with the pace of the poem, and maybe, all you need to do is to simple remove a word. Maybe 'memory', leaving it: 'flippant talk and its all distant blur'. I don't even know if that works, but to me, it just seemed a little too long.

Otherwise, I like how the rest of it goes and although you change the method of rhyming, I still think it works really well. Excellent.

More! Post! More! Everyone!

And thankyou Poppie and Mrs.E for sharing your work with us. Please do so more often because none of it deserves to be missed!

holy CRAPINABUCKET! Okay, I'll get through all these - you're gonna have to give me some time cos I'm going out today but I'd just like to say that it's really fantastic to see so much stuff up here, especially from a whole load of un-regulars. Or is that irregulars? I don't know. Anyway - Hurrah!

Becky, that was great. I can't even pretend to pick holes in that one! You've got the whole flow of the piece perfectly, and the emotion is nicely worded. It's a sad, reflective little piece. Great stuff.

Mrs Eyre, that was also very good. It amused me though, as I couldn't quite decide whether the "Panteeees!" was the final line or your sig.


SF, you pick out that line as being really bad, but I think that bit works well. His explanation sounds like it's tumbling over itself. The way that the rhythm changes for his verse is effective (whether or not it was intentional ). The only thing I would suggest here is that you're a little over-concerned with rhyme, which at times disturbs the narrative. Look at the first verse, for instance - the last line in particular. "It's all distant memory blur" sounds a little clumsy. I like rhyming poetry myself, so this isn't a criticism, but try not to be so determined to get everything to rhyme, that you wind up with sentences that aren't quite right. Er... if you get my drift. I know I'm not saying that too well. You can toy with your rhymes where necessary. Blurred can be used to rhyme with her, for instance, even though it doesn't, technically. I guess what I'm saying is think of the narrative as much as you think of the rhymes.

i did try, Thanks though,
I hardly ever write rhyming poetry, and i think it came out quite well. I'm really bad with rhyme actually, so seeing as that was your main -if only?- critisism im super-pleased.

The last stanza was supposed to have its own rhyming scheme, but it was supposed to flow really well, thats what i wanted and didn't get. I wanted to try to make it sound like this guy was arrrogantly perfect, if perfect's the right word. I wanted it to sound like he can talk, walk, everything and it's flowing and perfect and not a single thing wrong with it, and his explanation was supposed to flow as to see his reaosn clearly, instead of clumsily, like i think it does.

I don't think that last verse is at all clumsy.

My lame contribution, cause I havent been writing much recently

When people state "I've lost it",
What exactly is it they have lost?
Has the line between calm sanity
and pure insanity been crossed?
Or is it just the desire to live that
has silently faded from broken view?
Or simply just a material object,
an old treasure belonging to you.

When people state "I've lost it",
Is it something that I can replace?
Can I make things better for you?
Can I fix what's been misplaced?
What piece of lifes ruined puzzle
Is it that we are searching for?
What exactly is it you have lost?
Your frown says you aren't too sure.

When people state "I've lost it"
Do they know what they mean?
Is what they've lost the unknown?
A deep yearning for the unseen?
Are they quite sure themselves,
Of what they can no longer find?
Or is it just a joke, a nasty trick,
A prank from a depressed mind?

wow, didnt realise it was that crap...

quote:

Originally posted by Hopkinsl:
My lame contribution, cause I havent been writing much recently

When people state "I've lost it",
What exactly is it they have lost?
Has the line between calm sanity
and pure insanity been crossed?
Or is it just the desire to live that
has silently faded from broken view?
Or simply just a material object,
an old treasure belonging to you.

When people state "I've lost it",
Is it something that I can replace?
Can I make things better for you?
Can I fix what's been misplaced?
What piece of lifes ruined puzzle
Is it that we are searching for?
What exactly is it you have lost?
Your frown says you aren't too sure.

When people state "I've lost it"
Do they know what they mean?
Is what they've lost the unknown?
A deep yearning for the unseen?
Are they quite sure themselves,
Of what they can no longer find?
Or is it just a joke, a nasty trick,
A prank from a depressed mind?

i like it

I like it, Loz. I like the repetition from every first line of each verse. I think that helps to convey the repeated confusion. I also like the last line very much. It works very very well.

Aw Loz - not at all. I've been really bad with this whole keeping-up thing and I'm gonna mass review everything I haven't reviewed already right now.

But I have been reading all of the stuff as it goes up and it's really, really great to see so much stuff up. Don't stop now - really!

Becky - Breaking Me, Breaking You

A really souper poem - really. I'm glad also that you didn't stick to a definite structure for it, too - it made it much more flowing and natural and put more emphasis on the words themselves rather than how it all stuck together. And, by doing that, I think you pretty much let the structure take care of itself - which it did.

I really loved this line:

it wasnt black on black, white on white
Not for you, not tonight.

I don't know why that one stood out at me - I think it sounded like some kind of very good song (I can very much picture Jenny Lewis singing it )

And I also love the "monochrome", "monotonous" linkage.

Souper.


SubtleFaery - A Nice Guy

You already got some real good tips from Mickey there and I know you've given it in already, right? (Also - don't feel as though the work isn't yours because you acted on the concrit that Mickey gave you. That doesn't make the work any less your own - it was your idea and your words. It's very good that you let yourself make changes based on feedback from other people.)

I think you did very well to confront a theme which can so easily turn out horrendously cliché - but it still seemed unique in the sense that it went a bit deeper than the usual.

You didn't spell it out for us the way through but the awkwardness and mixed emotions were very well hinted at through the small actions of your characters and the things that they said, "I sent you flowers. Big red and yellow ones, I thought you’d like them. You really captured the tension well throughout.

How much did you change it afterwards, can I ask? If you changed it a lot - maybe post it up again? Just to see the difference?


Becky - "I'm sorry..."

First of all, can I just say that I think you are the Queen of Enjambment.

You don't seem to use it with forced intention - although I thought that it sounded better in the first two stanzas (felt the ground/beneath us move and let us/get so involved) but only because, in the last three, the fact that it fell after "I needed/hated/wanted" made it seem as though you decided mid-way to use it to make a point - whereas in the first two it was just more natural. This isn't a big point but I think that if you'd used it following "needed/hated/wanted etc" all the way through then the transition wouldn't have been so noticeable.

Aside from that - it was really brilliant. The opening statement of each stanza really set them all apart and began the new stanzas with a kind of new silence which really worked for it.


Mrs Eyre - Umbra

For someone whose never written a poem before in their lives, I think you'd better get started in writing some more.

This really was excellent - not just in a patronising "for a first attempt" way - it was just excellent by itself.

The ambiguity of whole thing - the imagery (or was it?) of this really got me. I thought it was beautiful, really beautiful.

Thinking over Becky's point about the length of the third line, I don't think you need to change the words themselves, or even the order of them, but maybe set the two sections of this line apart. You could put "and my eyes..." on a line of its own or after a hyphen on the same line? I don't know - I just don't think you should compromise the words themselves which are fantastic, but I do see Becky's issue with the rhythm.

And, without a doubt, write more. Really - this was brilliant.


Popelli, PastaSauceMaker Extraordinaire - "Heartbreak..."

It's great to see you posting some stuff up, by the way - even if you just came across something and wanted it read.

Is this a true thing? That wasn't very eloquently worded - what I mean to as is, is this something written based on what you really felt at the time as a result of something happening? (You don't have to answer that.) It seemed to hold some kind of secret cathartic element, that's all.

I liked this line,

Maybe I’m a girl, maybe I’m a lonely girl who’s in the middle of something, that she doesn’t really understand

most of all. (I'm not the greatest at comma-placing, but is the second one needed? Someone who's read Eats, Shoots and Leaves maybe to answer that one...?)

Anyway, the way in which it's written really seems quite personal - like we're just sort of intruding in someone's deeper thoughts at they turn things over in their mind. And, not because I'm a crazy stalker with a penchant for voyeurism , that kind of open rawness worked very well in this.

Write more!


SubtleFaery - "A tiny fuse..."

Honestly - I really wouldn't have picked that part out as a section that didn't fit. It's not bad at all. Nothing in the poem seems to stand out to me as a particularly bad section so don't worry about it.

I actually really liked that part, strangely enough - even before you drew attention to it. The difference in length of "And let it all out." really made it all that bit more powerful.

(Reading on further to Becky's comments, I see her point about the last line of the first stanza - I'd go with that, too.)

The last line of the second stanza really changed the whole thing though and made it completely different to what I thought it was going to be. It really changed the tone rather unexpectedly for me - but I liked that about it. You weren't conventional - just like in your last piece - you start with an idea which has been done a fair few times before, if you don't mind me saying (don't take it as an insult - the stuff I write about is some of the most cliché stuff the world has ever seen.) - and then you change it subtley to hint at something different - with a different angle.

And I did like it.


Loz - "When people state..."

Sorry if the major silence made you question your writing! You should have more confidence in your own ability than to think that my intensive laziness is at all linked to what I thought of your poem

I liked the constant questioning of this poem, particularly "Is it something I can replace?" and I like the second stanza most of all. It seems to hold all the hope that's not so present in the rest of the poem - and hope is always good.

"Are they quite sure themselves,
Of what they can no longer find?"
was also a particularly good couple of lines there for putting across a strong point.

And it wasn't lame.

But if you're having issues with not writing much lately, I'd really like to see you do some free verse stuff - I think you'd come out with some really great writing.

---

And with that, I am off...

And I will never leave it so long to respond again.

I'm gonna go have some lunch.

Keep writing, folks!

Aw I wish I was good at writing! Some excellent contributions there!

I totally loved LJ's mass reviewing there! That was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong post!

And thankyou.

But wait! Where is your contribution? Hmm?! **raises an accusing eyebrow**

No problem - I'm only sorry I didn't do it sooner; it was pretty intensive.

And ha - yknow I really haven't written much lately at all. I've been uber busy panicking over my AS levels and it's killed all kind of creativity in my head.

I'll search through my writing folder on the computer and see if there's something I haven't stuck up yet...

[QUOTE]Originally posted by lemon jelly:

Popelli, PastaSauceMaker Extraordinaire - "Heartbreak..."

Is this a true thing? That wasn't very eloquently worded - what I mean to as is, is this something written based on what you really felt at the time as a result of something happening? (You don't have to answer that.) It seemed to hold some kind of secret cathartic element, that's all.

I liked this line,

Maybe I’m a girl, maybe I’m a lonely girl who’s in the middle of something, that she doesn’t really understand

most of all.

And, not because I'm a crazy stalker with a penchant for voyeurism

[QUOTE]
Thanks Jade
Yeah, I wrote it about something that was going on with me at the time. And it turns out they (the boy and then 'the' girl) discovered they hated each other (again) but hey at least I got something to write about out of it.

I was listening to maybe I'm amazed when I wrote it so just nicked a bit from that and I dunno about the commas. I read the first bit of Eats Shoots and Leaves before putting it back on the shelf in the kitchen so I guess that doesn't count.

Anyway we all know it's not me you're stalking but my vats of pasta sauce as they simmer away on the cooker. No more stealing it!

Well it's very expensive!

Thanks LJ!
That was a really Looooong post, as Becks said, but thanks for it,

I'll dig the 'Nice Guy' story out again, I have it somewhere, I changed it quite alot!

Yeah, put some of your stuff up,

Anyone put more stuff up!

Write people, write!

I plan to write as from the 23rd of June.

Here we go, I just wrote this - thus giving me not enough time to overthink it. So a-posting we go. I haven't written anything in ages and ages, so I'm glad I've actually done something, regardless of its quality.

I don't know what to make of it.

Keep writing, folks. Good luck in your exams. I've go to run away and revise AS Chemistry right now.

PS- How much do we love Alphabites?

Phonetics

A scene of two brothers in the garden
A length of string pulled tight between tin cans
Between the castle in the trees
And the battlefield below.

And a dragon.

We watched the enemy from across the lawn
Marching down, just beyond the washing line.
We shot Him down.
Won the fight.
Spelt our names in Alphabites.
(Remember them?)

I went to play at war
Every little boy’s dream
But I left my wooden sword at home
And radioed for help.

Hotel Echo Lima Papa
I’m crouched down in the sand
Shouting into my tin can.

I see the enemies and the dragons that they ride
Advancing over desert, beyond the lines.
And there are no trees here
They cannot grow or live for long
Like the house I moved away from
And the castle in the garden.

Sierra Oscar Sierra
Send for help
Please, help me.

There was a storm back home
Maybe five or seven years ago.
And I think my castle’s fallen.
Even though we were the good guys.
Food for woodlice.
They crawl across your skin.

Hotel Echo Lima Papa
Help me, help me, help me.
Papa, help me, help me.

Those of you who read Cranky Recaps will know that Jenny has Christened Gallant "Plank" (bit wooden; see what she did there?) so as a bit of fun I've written a bit of thing to mark Plank's demise.

Ode To Plank

So, farewell then, Gallant Plank;
We barely knew Yew,
And now you are gone, to Sycamore
Exalted Plane.
But unlike others who have turned to Ash
You had no prolonged Hawaiian bash,
And we are left to wonder why,
When the writers decided you should die,
You could not do it
On the Beech.

Ohoho - I love it! Inspired, genius, hilarity.

How you managed to stick so many tree-references in there without a hitch is actually remarkable. Very, very, so very smooth.

Jade! In reference to:

quote:

Phonetics

A scene of two brothers in the garden
A length of string pulled tight between tin cans
Between the castle in the trees
And the battlefield below.

And a dragon.

We watched the enemy from across the lawn
Marching down, just beyond the washing line.
We shot Him down.
Won the fight.
Spelt our names in Alphabites.
(Remember them?)

I went to play at war
Every little boy’s dream
But I left my wooden sword at home
And radioed for help.

Hotel Echo Lima Papa
I’m crouched down in the sand
Shouting into my tin can.

I see the enemies and the dragons that they ride
Advancing over desert, beyond the lines.
And there are no trees here
They cannot grow or live for long
Like the house I moved away from
And the castle in the garden.

Sierra Oscar Sierra
Send for help
Please, help me.

There was a storm back home
Maybe five or seven years ago.
And I think my castle’s fallen.
Even though we were the good guys.
Food for woodlice.
They crawl across your skin.

Hotel Echo Lima Papa
Help me, help me, help me.
Papa, help me, help me.

...I have comments.