Don't say I didn't warn ya. Misery in every corner
...
It's called Grey Rainbow. It was actually first written as a fan fic, I won't say what for, but I altered it a little. Reading it again, I realise how much it sucks, but I promised you something, so here goes.
He stands by her grave, their baby in his arms. He brings her here once a month and he himself comes far more often. He is told that this is unhealthy, that he is harming himself. That he should move on, but he can't.
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He remembers a game they used to play when she was pregnant. They would take it in turns to say what parts of each other they would like their baby to have.
"Your eyes" she would say, examining them deeply. Or a variation along these lines, such as his smile. Or, if she was in an especially good mood then maybe his eyebrows, or even his toenails.
He would then look at her long and hard, as though assessing every inch. Finally he would look up with a smile and a conclusion he inevitably came to.
"Your everything. Just every part of you, that would be perfect."
Invariably she would then fall into his arms, her arms around his neck and his hands protectively on her stomach.
***************************
Their baby was born by Cesarian. But it was nothing to worry about they were told. A routine procedure, sometimes necessary for the safety of the unborn child and mother. But something went wrong. The baby was out, a little girl, and she was beautiful. But the mother, she wouldn't stop bleeding, she just wouldn't stop. They tried everything they could, or so the doctor said. But it was too late, and she was lost, everything was. But the little baby girl, she was fine.
He was in the waiting room, unaware, while it was happening. Slightly anxious but unable not to be happy. His first child was being born, he'd been reassured that everything would be fine. But when the blood scarred doctor emerged, he knew what had happened. He turned away, punching the wall, even before any words were spoken. He just knew.
"I'm so sorry. We tried everything we could, but we lost your wife." He left a heavy respectful pause here, but didn't leave nearly enough grieving space before moving on. "Your daughter however, she is fine. You have a healthy baby girl."
It wasn't enough somehow. It just couldn't be, he'd just lost the woman who to him was his life. She just was, and now she had been ripped away and there was nothing that could be done about it. He couldn't help thinking that if he could just step back in time for a second then he could change things. That was the cruelest thing, the what ifs. There must have been something he could have done. There were many things he regretted in his life but he had never wanted to live a moment differently so much before.
He didn't want to look at his child too close. Doing so brought back so many memories that tore him up inside. He became mechanical, a robot father. He did all the necessary things but he didn't feel them.
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Back at his apartment he stares listlessly around the room. His daughter is sleeping in her cot along the hall. This room is a shrine to his old life, with Jenny. It was a celebration and reminder of their once complete happiness. There are photos coating every surface; walls, tables, shelves.
There is the one from their wedding day. It was a simple affair, but perfect. It didn't need anything more than it had. A few selected guests from work were there, and of course the families of the bride and groom.
Then his eyes settle on his favourite photo. The two of them, well, three really, on their honeymoon. A harassed father of four had taken it for them, on a beach in Hawaii.
"Don't end up like me" he had joked cheerily, one child clinging to his leg, another dangling from his arm.
"We're already on our way" Adam had replied proudly, possesively touching her stomach.
The man laughed and wished them luck. "You'll need it" he joked, moving back to his colourful beach blanket which was stained with marks of chocolate.
This man still takes his children to the beach often, and occasionly thinks of the friendly, beaming couple he once took a photo for. The woman, lovely as she was, had reminded him of his wife. She had left him a few years ago, just up and gone, leaving him with their four children, as though she didn't care. Somehow, he couldn't imagine the woman on the beach doing such a thing. And for all his joking about the chaos of having many children he would not trade them for anything, not for the world.
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Guilty thoughts sometimes wake Adam in the night where he lies crumpled on the couch. He never bothers to go to bed properly anymore, what is the point? There is no one waiting for him there. And when he looks at this photo, he always remembers the man who took it. The man who wished him luck, for when his baby was born. A man who, for all his sarcastic words clearly loved his children more than anything and would always carry on with them there.
He tries to avoid asking the question that he can never answer. Would he trade his baby, little Megan, to have his wife back? It is just an impossible dilemma but what scares him the most is the feeling that deep down inside he knows the answer. He would give himself, easy as anything, to have Jenny alive and happy with her baby in her arms. The rest is unclear. All he knows is that he still loves her so much, it doesn't fade, so much that there is never a moment when he isn't thinking about her.
***********
More memories from the honeymoon come flooding back. Somehow he had scraped the money together and their hotel room in Hawaii had a balcony overlooking the resort swimming pool and in the corner the glittering sea was visible. They spent a lot of time on that balcony, the view was beautiful and there were comfy chairs laid out where they could relax in the sun. He had never thought before that time that he could be so content to do nothing for hours.
Jen had been all excited one morning, at the sight of a rainbow curving over the sky.
"Quick, come look! It's so nice, our baby's first rainbow."
"You know, he can't actually see it. Your skin kind of gets in the way a bit. And his eyes are probably closed..."
"Use your imagination, just try. Isn't it lovely?" Then her thoughts registered on a single word he had just said. "Hey, what makes you think it's a boy huh?" She teased him gently. "My female intuition says it's a girl..."
"Oh, well, it must be a boy then. I like the name Jake, what do ya think?"
"I think a girl called Jake would get laughed at."
Smirking, he poked her gently. "Fine, have it your way. You'll just have to come up with something better."
She had considered it seriously for a moment. "I've been thinking about this actually. How do you like Megan?"
Head on one side his eyes had danced on her face. "I like it. In the unlikely event of a girl...Megan it is."
Then he had leaned over and tickled her until she screeched with delighted laughter. The elderly couple on the next balcony peered over, suspecting someone was being murdered. Seeing only intense happiness, they shuffled back to their seats, disappointed.
********************
Looking over these memories it comes to him just how much they were looking forward to this baby. The arrival of their child was going to seal the life they had woven together. They were going to show him or her everything, and give their baby all that they themselves had been denied. He suddenly realises how stupid he has been and to his great relief he knows the answer to the question that has plagued him night after night. He couldn't trade her, he just couldn't. He had wanted to be a father for so long, and now he was. That was too precious to lose.
Hearing her cry out from where she had been sleeping he goes along to greet her. He picks her up, surprised as ever at how light and fragile she feels.
"It's ok, daddy's here."
He carries her so softly over to the door further down the hall. The bedroom that has been unused for months. He pulls open the door, flipping the light on. Tonight he is going to sleep in here. Still craddling Megan, he returns to where her cot is and drags it along the floor, to his bedroom.
"I'm moving your bed, little one. So that way I can be near you, ok?"
He places it right by his bed. Sitting on his own, he rocks her gently, still whispering about what the future will bring for them.
"Tomorrow, I'm gonna paint it in here. Nice and bright, like a rainbow. I'm gonna give you everything. Your life isn't gonna be grey anymore, I promise."
"Let me just put down this bag of rats and I'll tell you..."
"What could possibly make us even for the Tampa job...
"Why would you get a tattoo of a mop?"
It was very moving, and I have a heart of stone. Practically. Anywho, I like the way that it moves around to different times, and the ending was great. 
I'm waiting....
I went through a phase of two characters....kind of embarassing really. Ahem. Anyway what was yours then Ria?