Can't find the old thread for this so i made a new one

This says it all

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.....(applies to engineers mainly). _______________________________________________________
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do. ______________________________________________
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

were do u get virgin wool from?


ugly sheep

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are we allowed to tell ruder ones?

why not

My joke was apparently voted the most funny yet disgusting joke of 2005. Don't know if I can tell it on here though

???????????????????

30 Things You Should Have Learned by Now................



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
7. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
8. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
9. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
10. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
11. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.
12. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
13. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
14. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
15. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
16. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake
when you make it again.
17. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
18. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
19. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"meetings".
20. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
21. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
22. You should not confuse your career with your life.
23. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
24. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
25. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
26. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
27. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
28. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
29. Your friends love you anyway.
30 . Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

^ they were really funny, i especially liked 20, 23 and 30

Why did the skeleton win the nobel prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

All of which reminds me of the Bob Monkhouse joke....


My parents laughed when I told them I was going to be a comedian when I grew up.
Theyre not laughing now.

quote:

Originally posted by Kazrj2000:
Why did the skeleton win the nobel prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field.

Shouldn't that be the scarecrow?

^ i'm so glad someone else noticed that! i was thinking it should be but didn't want to say in case it was just me being dumb.

Yeah, sorry, scarecrow! I'm having some off days.

i prefer the skeleton mistype. HILARIOUS!

Dear Technical Support


18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for many years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.


I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.


I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.


Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.


Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter,
and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These
latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess
what the problem is.


Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation.


Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.


Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2006, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2006, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.


Any ideas?